(Editor's Note: Sorry it took so long to get Part 2 up. To get refreshed, check out Part 1 here)
Diamond Division Title Match-Champion: Nick Mirra vs The Jester goes to No Contest
God, these titles. There should be a chart or something on the wall explaining what the hell a Diamond Division is.
The Jester and Nick Mirra, and I say this with as much positivity as I can muster, was one of those things that I wish would have worked better. It wasn’t due to a lack of zaniness. The Jester is a short, chubby guy with zero shame. He’s basically Cicero from Skyrim if Cicero had gotten into Heath Ledger’s Joker makeup. He’s pretty endearing, and while he isn’t the most polished worker BDW has, he more than makes up for it with enthusiasm. Like a creepy clown-faced Rudy. He wasn’t the problem.
The problem was Nick Mirra, who was easily the most naturally unlikable person on the roster. In wrestling it’s really hard not judge people based on initial assumptions. I’m sure Nick Mirra the guy is lovely, but Nick Mirra the wrestler was the pits. He’s every stock pretty faced good guy character rolled into this hair gelled nightmare of disingenuousness. He was one bad talk show segment away from being The Miz. He even aped an Awesome Clothesline. Jesus Christ.
So here we are, a match with the kind of silly character that I love pitted against the avatar for “Things Andrew Dislikes” and Jester is trying his ass off to get the crowd to do anything other than cheer “Let’s Go Mirra”, “Mirra Sucks” or checking their Twitter accounts. You couldn’t even say the crowd was split, because the people that didn’t like Mirra were two very loud girls in the back and Mirra’s fans were all tween girls. It was like the Cena Effect, only with the volume turned down to like three. It wasn’t easy to watch.
Then, something weird happened. While Jester was incapacitated ringside Mirra got hit by an invisible bag of hammers and dropped. I really hate injury angles, especially because it’s common knowledge that when the ref does the X it’s supposed to mean the injury is legit. I say supposed to because once the fans got smart to the insider terminology the legitimacy of things like the X went out the goddamn window, so while heels are breaking kayfabe to try and sell the injury I’m doing air wanks while typing “injury angles are dumb” on my iPhone’s notepad.
Then the lights hit and the music got creepy and the motherf**king Church of Reznikk emerged, and I was IN. Sean Reznikk got on the mic and talked about how Mirra was his, entered the ring with authority, put his hands on Mirra, and as if he were some flea market version of Nekron, told him “RISE.”
Fortunately at this point Mirra didn’t actually rise, but was carried backstage on Reznikk’s shoulders presumably for some reconditioning courtesy of the Church of Reznikk. If Mirra had actually risen as if he were possessed I would have been out and looking up synonyms for “bad” and “dumb” instead of clapping my hands and thanking Sean Reznikk for making Nick Mirra the most interesting son of a bitch on the card. Now when I go to the next show I’m going to be pumped to see what in God’s name is going on.
If Nick Mirra shows up next week with a black handprint on his face where Reznikk touched him to mark his new allegiance and plays the part of evil lackey to his new dark master, I will take back everything I said about him and love Nick Mirra forever. If he shakes it off in a few minutes and starts aping Mike Mizanian again, I will boo him until I’m hoarse. Can’t wait to see if I’ll be drinking honey in my tea after the next show for pleasure or relief.
"American Psycho" Chris Larusso (w) vs "Wild and Wonderful" Harley T Morris
One thing I learned about Black Diamond Wrestling during this show; they love to book classically regular wrestling types against outrageous gimmicks. First we had Plain Jane against a bowler, Miz Lite vs a clown, and now one of the best technician’s on the show against the Spirit of West Virginia. The guy came out decked in camo, WV logos, and a coonskin cap. All he needed was a mask made out of a case of Natural Ice and set a couch on fire he would have been set. I know I said I love gimmicks, but when one of them is the walking embodiment of every stereotype I hate about my home state, I’m sorry but that character can go straight to the dumpster.
The match itself wasn’t anything memorable, but it was good and really allowed Larusso a chance to show off his wrestling ability. I didn’t really care for his character, but Harley T Morris is a goddamn giver in the ring, and he made Larusso look like a monster. Which was good because aside from being a decent heel on the mic, I was having a hard time understanding what he was all about. I didn’t understand why a guy who was rational, methodical, and calculating would go by the name of American Psycho, except maybe because Cerebral Assassin was already taken. Larusso can go, and would make a strong heel champion for a babyface to chase. He’s got a natural despicability to him. I dunno. It just worked for me. At the next show Chris Larusso gets a title shot against the BDW Champion, which he won by beating Mr. WV I guess? I don’t know. Things are happening!
Tag Team Title Match-Champions: The Industry (w) vs System Elite
I’ve spent the better part of three days typing and retyping this whole part of the review, because storyline stuff happened here that I don’t entirely understand and I keep trying to make sense of it all, but it wasn’t working. So instead I’m just going to tell you the PROS and CONS of the match:
The Industry- During the Corey Futuristic match I directed a lot of criticism toward outside the ring shenanigans. In that match it hurt the whole thing, because I couldn’t keep my attention on where it needed to be. But, because Ronnie Starks got assaulted by Jay Flash in that match, I got to see him be wheeled out to ringside in a wheelchair, and he sold it like he was on a morphine drip. It was glorious, especially when he stopped faking the injury and interjected into the match by first using the bottom rope to choke out the challengers, but later (because of confusion and shenanigans) doing it to his own boy. This match found the perfect amount of outside interference, and it gelled beautifully.
System Elite- While the Fantastic Ones is my favorite character tag team, there’s no doubt that System Elite is the best overall tag team at BDW, and the crowd knows it. They are over as f**k. Tyler Cross and Edric Everhart have taken the Hart Foundation model and made it work for them in their own unique way. Tyler is the Neidhart of the group. He’s the heavy, he’s got a beard, and he rocks a singlet. Edric is closer to Shawn Michaels than Bret Hart with his athleticism and ring presence, but he’s the more well-polished and seems to be inching closer to the break-out status. Knowing Edric personally (he’s pooped in my toilet and drank my beer more than a few times) honestly means that I’m going to try and be harder on him than other people in this review to compensate, but the truth is at the end of the day they know what they’re doing and they wrestle like beasts.
The Return Music- Heading into this match System Elite were coming back from an injury angle and nobody knew who was challenging the Industry. Then the music from the beginning of The Lion King kicked in, and two silhouettes showed up on the screen, and the crowd went ape shit. Trumpeting your return with “The Circle of Life”? YES PLEASE.
Solid Ring Work- All four of these guys worked their asses off. I’ve seen Destine Vaine in the past and wasn’t overly thrilled with his ring work, but I gotta say the guy brought it during this match and impressed me with his selling to the point that I feel like I need to reevaluate him. Chris Marx, while being the most boring looking person I’ve ever seen, is competent and knows how to play his role well. Hell, even Ronnie Starks was enjoyable and brought something to the match. The wrestling was grade A, and the overall match was enjoyable as hell.
The Crowd- After the initial pop, the stuff at the end, and the occasional cheer/jeer when Ronnie did something ringside, the crowd was annoyingly passive. I don’t know if it was because they were worn out and needed a break before the main-event, but they just didn’t seem to be enjoying the match as much as I was. I think this had more to do with their placement on the card than it did with the actual match, but it bothered me that these guys worked as hard as they did and weren’t getting the applause they deserved.
The Ending- A lot of weird stuff happened at the end that I couldn’t even begin to understand since I’m not a regular (yet). Some big guy named Vinnie Stone came out and started wrecking on System Elite, then Jay Flash came out to back them up and started getting creamed, but then a guy named the Iceman (not Marvel Comics) came out and all four of them owned this beast. Then they stood together, put their fists together, and that Spinner Belt Kid shouted “THE INSURGENTS” and the roof exploded off the building.
Black Diamond Wrestling Heavyweight Championship Match-Champion: Dan Sandwich (w) vs The Bulldozer
Okay, this main-event was dope as f**k.
A lot of people accuse me of hyperbole, and while that’s a fair accusation to make (Hornswoggle and Great Khali segments do not literally make me tear my eyes out) I’m not reaching when I say that this match was essentially everything good about BDW with a very tiny amount of bad. The good stuff was really really REALLY good, and the bad stuff was subjectively bad. Does that make sense?
The good was that it was violent as hell. Not CZW levels of violence where both Dan Sandwich and Bulldozer are masked in crimson, but the fun kind of violence that looks like it’s painful, but probably only registers a four on the pain scale. Cartoon violence is the kind of stuff I eat up, and while you might say I’m just used to the watered down PG product that WWE is putting out, I’d like to counter with yeah probably but at least I don’t have to worry if my favorite wrestlers are contracting Hep C to earn their income.
Bulldozer really lived up to my expectations. He was a HOSS of the highest caliber, which means he was aggressive, quick where it counted, and willing to throw himself around a bit. He did a rolling senton into the corner that made the whole ring shake. It was beautiful. It also helped that it was a falls count anywhere match, because Dan Sandwich has link with the crowd that I just don’t understand. He seems super likable and is quite good at wrestling, but the crowd loves him like Chikara loves UltraMantis Black. He can literally do no wrong with them.
They fought in the crowd, literally, all the way back to the announce area, and the whole crowd was enraptured by what was happening, even if they couldn’t see it. The finish was well planned, as Bulldozer went crashing off the stage and through the merch table for the three, but then proceeded to sell it there for the next 20 or so odd minutes. After the show I was hanging with Tyler Cross’ girlfriend, and she was really concerned that he was dead. The guy committed.
It was almost perfect. So close to being the one match I couldn’t find something to complain about. Then they had to go and ruin it for me with unprotected headshots.
This is the part of the article where you call me a stick-in-the-mud. That’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and both Bulldozer and Dan Sandwich are consenting adults, so if they want to smash hard metal into each other’s skulls it’s their lives and that’s fine for them. But, it’s not fine for me, and since this is my column I get to talk about how much it bothered me.
As mentioned before, Dan Sandwich is the f**king Bread Man and the crowd loves him. At one point a fan *cough*plant*cough* held up their sign that said “USE MY SIGN DAN SANDWICH” to which he obliged. He then used the sign to cave in Bulldozers cranium, and then ripped off the wrapping paper to reveal a solid steel Pizza Hut sign. Like the kind that gets bolted to the wall, because sticky tack or tape would be hilariously insufficient to hold it up. My brother had 20/20 vision until he got hit in the head with Plexiglas, and that sign was way harder than Plexiglas. After he took a look at the sign Dan shrugged a “what are ya gonna do?”, kind of shrug, went back on the assault, and for a brief while it took me out of the match and made me wonder what the f**k these two grown men were thinking.
It would be one thing if this was a CZW crowd. Those monsters require blood sacrifice to survive. But this is a BDW crowd, the majority of which are children. In 2013, after all we know about head injuries and concussions, I think it’s a tad irresponsible for the beloved Dan Sandwich to swing a metal object at another human beings face while children who adore him watch and cheer. Is it Dan Sandwich’s responsibility to explain to those kids that hitting people with weapons is wrong? Hell no, that’s their parents job. But it behooves me to point out that while it might not be his actual responsibility, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try and set a good example. Those head shots weren’t needed to make the match better. The match was tits without them. You’re the bread man Dan Sandwich! You’re better than being a herald for concussions.
That one soapbox moment aside, I loved this match. Well done to all involved. Especially you Bulldozer, who from now until the end of time is my mother**king GUY.
So that wraps up this review of BDW’s No Boundaries. Should I keep doing these reviews monthly? Let me know in the comments. If I do keep doing them, they’ll be much shorter and only in one part. Hopefully. Either way, I encourage you all to try and follow BDW. It's a wonderful thing that I love, and you should love it too.
Special thanks to Josh Jenkins for the photos and companionship.
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot