Disasterpiece Theatre: Albino FarmBy Jacob Lindsey
This past Monday saw the WWE return of “Lionheart” Chris “Y2J” Jericho aka Moongoose McQueen, the lead singer of Fozzy. In honor of his long-awaited return, I decided to watch and review his only starring role to date. Before I begin, I want to say that I was duped. This movie features Chris Jericho with top billing because he’s the most famous person in it—NOT because he is the lead character. Technically, his role in the film wouldn’t qualify it for the Disasterpiece treatment, but I’ll be damned if I watched this for nothing. So let’s get to it.<!--more-->Albino Farm
(2008 or 2009, depending where you look) is a horror film set somewhere in the Ozark Mountains. You can tell it’s gonna be a great movie, because one of the “Special Features” is a biography of several of the cast members. You know, so you don’t have to say, “Who the hell is THAT guy?” through the whole movie.The film opens with two kids, Samuel and Jacob (Hey, that’s my name!!), riding their bikes into the woods. They come across a couple of stone pillars and iron gates, with a sign chained to them that says CONDEMNED. I already reviewed that one. The older kid, Jacob, tries to get Samuel, who is a few years younger, to trespass on the creepy, probably murderous property. When he chickens out, Jacob squeezes through the gates and disappears. Samuel gets worried and goes after him, only for Jacob to scare the bajeebus out of him by sneaking up from behind. Then, Jacob performs a horror movie “no-no” by saying, “Like I said, Samuel, I ain’t scared uh nothin’!” The two are promptly attacked by a blur—possibly The Flash—and we’re left to assume they were destroyed. Cue out-of-place rock music.The movie really begins with four college kids (Stacey, Sanjay, Melody, and Brian) driving, arguing about some ridiculous group project they’re working on. Stacey is driving while READING A MAP, and she nearly runs over a child who is scraping a dead animal off the road. They all get out to tell the kid to GTFO, and they realize it’s not a kid, it’s a hobbit. Dun dun dunnn!! They return to their vehicle to find that they have a flat tire and, because he’s a moron, Brian took out the spare before they left to make room for the beer cooler. Sanjay, who is filming everything, notices a sign for a gas station, then suggests they drive the two miles on the flat tire. I guess he believes the roads are so well-maintained that they won’t FUBAR the rim. That’s not likely in rural America, but go for it.As they pull up to the gas station, Stacey still won’t stop reading the map while she drives, and she “can’t find this area anywhere on the map.” Thank you, Rand fucking McNally, for letting us know that a) you’re in the middle of Nowhereville, USA and b) you probably don’t know how to read a map. Anyway, an old blind due, who looks like Jake Roberts after Rick Martel sprayed him in the face with Arrogance, runs the place, charges $20 for a tire, and accidentally lets it slip that there’s a legend about the town of Shiloh that they don’t need to listen to or know about. Of course, the students didn’t know about it before, but the guys HAVE to know more. Because it’s a horror movie. The blind man turns into 1996 Jake Roberts, calling out Leviticus 21:16,” and warns the kids to let well enough alone. I bet $6 million that they don’t.On the way back into town, they spot a tent revival in the middle of a field. Brian says, “I see it as an opportunity to drink heavily and make fun of some hicks.” Then he grabs two beers and runs off. If that counts as drinking “heavily,” then I know a lot of high-functioning alcoholics. While he’s peeking in the tent, a weird-looking guy approaches and tells him there’s a legend about an albino farm, but there’s nothing in them woods, so don’t bother. At this point, my sense of adventure would have disappeared, and I’d be ready to find a hotel with HBO and free Wi-Fi. And that’s why I’m not dead.The crew gets hungry, so they go into a diner. Their server has boobs, so the fellas are mesmerized, and the girls order burgers for everyone. Just sayin, I will never eat meat from a sketchy diner in a small town. I saw Frodo scraping up the roadkill. The waitress is a terrible actress, but she tells them there’s nothing strange about the town, because HOLY SHIT SHE HAS A FLIPPER. No offense if you have a flipper. I just wasn’t expecting Mr. Krabs to be giving the kids their check. If that’s not strange enough, they go outside and see a little boy standing on the sidewalk with a chalkboard around his neck. Instead of asking, “WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS??!?!?” they ask the kid about the albino farm. (Everybody pay up.) It takes him ten minutes to write “thay no” on his chalkboard, and he motions to a car across the street.Brian and Melody approach the vehicle, which contains two twins (?) and Chris Jericho with a bad wig and a stupid Southern accent. Jericho offers to take them to the albino farm, if they pay him $25 and his buddies get to fondle Melody. No deal, but they settle on $20 and a flash, so BOOBS! I SAW BOOBS! 30 minutes in! Ok, anyway, they get in the car because they’re idiots, while Sanjay and Stacey have gone off to find the town’s church.An old lady at the church talks to the kids until they start asking about the legend. She gets pissy and storms off. Sanjay picks up a Bible to look up Leviticus 21:16. I looked it up on my own. It says, “The Lord said to Moses,”. That’s Lev. 21:16. Not kidding. However, the following verses go like this:
17 “Say to Aaron: ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the LORD. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the LORD, who makes them holy.’”
Damaged testicles? Seriously? I’m not a Biblical scholar, but I’m pretty sure that means “foreshadowing.” Anyway, the kids knock on the door the lady went through, because they have more questions. There’s no answer, so they just walk right in on the old lady breastfeeding a baby that doesn’t have a nose. Everyone screams, including the noseless baby and me, because I just saw the old lady’s milk makers.Meanwhile, Brian, Melody, Jericho, and the twins (who are deaf) are racing through a field, and they finally come to a stop in front of the gate we saw at the beginning. Jericho drops them off with a hammer and a pair of flashlights, then leaves. The two kids break in and start looking around, until they see someone running, so they chase after him. Into the woods. At night. Brian gets caught in some sort of animal trap, and Melody doesn’t know what to do, so she runs away.While this was happening, the others finally wondered where their friends went, so they ask the creepy chalkboard kid. Half an hour and a Hooked on Phonics lesson later, the kid is showing Stacey and Sanjay where the albino farm is. While they meet up with Melody, Brian gets dragged to weirdo hell, and their car is destroyed by vandals. Everyone is terrified now, so they run toward danger, instead of heading back into town.The trio is looking for Brian, who is getting a lap dance from someone who is credited as “Pig Bitch,” while other people with severe facial deformities watch excitedly. Then, she grabs a meat hook, puts it in Brian’s mouth, and rips his face off. I guess the freak show finally got…under his skin.[caption id="attachment_4581" align="aligncenter" width="231" caption="YYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"]
[/caption]As the other three are running around, they stumble across a tree that is decorated with human bones. Not really my taste, but I’m sure someone thinks it’s beautiful. This scares Melody so badly that she runs away. And nothing good ever happens to people who are alone in horror movies. Stacey and Sanjay find the shack where Brian was mutilated, then they get surrounded by baddies. They escape somehow and toss a goblin into a fire. They take off into the woods with The Oddities, led by Golga and Kurrgan, chasing them. That might be the most frightening thing that could ever happen—being chased by deformed crazies who intend to make you dead.Things happen, and they end up unconscious. When they wake up, their arms are sewn together, because why not? While lying there in agony, Sanjay says, “These are the descendants of the people who were imprisoned here, and they’ve been here the whole time!” Thank you for that exposition, Sanjay, but how the balls do you know? When did you get a private Q&A with the weirdos? Anyway, they’re trying to escape, and fortunately they picked up Dora the Explorer’s backpack along the way, because there’s a flare in there…and probably a singing map. Maybe some churros, keep digging. They don’t keep digging, but they keep getting chased by growling mouth breathers, and I’m really tired of all the screaming and snarling. The movie ends about how you’d expect, but I’m not going to spoil it.For a film that was low-budget, straight-to-DVD, it looks ok. It’s light years ahead of the crap Kurt Angle is doing, as far as production value, and not all of the actors were the worst. There was just too much “What do we do now?” hysteria. If you’re a horror fan, you may enjoy it, because a lot of horror movies are about gore and shock value, and not about a real story. I thought it sucked, and I think Jericho could do better. He’s a horror fan, so he probably had fun. It looks like a 4 on the Commando-meter. And a picture of the face I was making the whole time, because it was disgusting.
If this is your first time reading Disasterpiece Theatre, the Commando-meter is not a traditional star rating system. The meter fills as I watch movies, depending on how much stupid stuff happens…or how much I want to crawl into a bathtub of acid and set it on fire. An empty meter means the film was awesome. A full meter (or sometimes overflowing meter) means the movie was terrible. Easy enough, right?Don’t forget to put your requests in the comments! See ya next week!-JacobFollow me on Twitter: @chacobian