To gear everyone up for The Avengers tomorrow (unless you’ve already seen it), I watched Almighty Thor, and it.was.awful.

Syfy and The Asylum present Almighty Thor (2011), which came out almost a year ago to try to get the jump on the  “real” Thor movie that was released last year. This one opens with some creepy looking guy (Richard Greico, 21 Jump Street, a bunch of bad movies) sitting in a throne underground, then saying, “OPEN THE GATEWAY!” The ground opens, and the guy ends up in fake-ass Middle Earth, which is supposed to be Asgard, I think. We find out from a soldier-type fellow that this person is Loki, the demon god of the underworld, or something. Three soldier-type guys see him, cry out “LOKI?!” then shoot 6000 arrows, which Loki wipes away with his Magic Demon Wind. Then he pulls out his bone gun and starts shooting fireballs.

Meanwhile, Odin the all-father (Kevin Nash) is trekking around the woods like a f**king hobbit, looking for the Cave of the Fates. I made the name up, but that’s what he’s doing. His sons, Baldir and Thor, are with him. Odin has some sweet forearm tats, so I guess that makes him the “cool god.” He approaches the Fates, who are three chicks knitting, and he says, “I have dreamt. Of the stars in the sky. Turning black. What does this mean.” The Fates don’t talk, they communicate telepathically, but they tell Odin that bad stuff is probably going to happen. “It will be the destruction of all worlds—Asgard, Earth…and all the other ones.” Fortunately for Norse mythology, Thor doesn’t believe in fate.

Loki walks into the village or wherever after calling upon his giant spiny greyhounds to do his evil bidding. The demon dogs are an example of what CGI looks like when you hire my 13-year-old brother to make your movie. Loki announces that he wants to see Odin, and he wants the Hammer of Invincibility. Well, the chick he’s talking to says no way, Jose, so he fireball vaporizes her and some parts of a wall before Odin decides to make an appearance. Odin starts running toward the commotion, and you can clearly see his sweet knee brace under his Berzerker fuzzy leg warmers. Odin, Baldir, and Thor start fighting the demon dogs. Thor kills one, but it falls on top of him. Since Odin and Baldir can’t see Thor, I guess they assume he’s dead, so they continue on without him. Here’s the thing. Odin is 7 feet tall. Loki is just a weird-looking guy in spiky foam armor. This should be the end of the movie, but it’s not because Loki teleports and somehow makes Baldir look like him, so Odin accidentally kills his own son. Odin is pissed, so he throws the Hammer of Invincibility, which is a rock tied to a stick, into a portal in the sky. Then Loki stabs him and goes looking for the Hammer.

Thor (Cody Deal) regains consciousness, and then he discovers that his brother and father are dead/dying. He is very sad about it. Before Odin dies, he tells Thor, “The Hammer will appear on the first full moon tomorrow for a moment.” That’s the most ridiculous statement ever, but he also tells him that he sent the Hammer back to the Heart of the Tree of Life, and Thor has to go get it before Loki does. At this point, I’m irritated, because Kevin Nash isn’t even in the whole movie but I’ve already committed to this. Someone should have me committed.

Because he’s a big baby, Thor takes off after Loki, but Loki is able to beat him up because Thor is a wuss. THOR. IS A WUSS. Thor is suddenly rescued by Xena Warrior Princess (Patricia Velasquez), then taken to a training camp somewhere in the woods. Loki tells the dogs to find Xena (whose name is Jarnsaxa?) and Thor, but I don’t know how the dogs understand English. Loki continues to walk around, but now he’s talking to Odin. I’m not sure why he’s talking to Odin, because Odin is dead, and Loki knows this.

So, we establish that Thor is a giant wiener, and he doesn’t have to patience to let Jarnsaxa train him to fight because he wants to KILL LOKI NOW! Jarnsaxa explains that the Fates are against them, so they can’t defeat Loki, but Thor reiterates that he does not believe in fate. Jarnsaxa says she doesn’t give a shit what he believes, it doesn’t make the situation any less real, and he needs to calm the eff down and let her teach him to not be such an oaf. Ok, some of that didn’t happen, but I wish it did. At this point, Loki and the heroes are involved in a really boring/lethal game of hide-and-seek. Somehow, Jarnsaxa tricks Loki into thinking she is giving him the hammer, but it’s actually an axe or something, and they portal-jump to Los Angeles, because she has a storage shed there and she knows of another portal to the Tree. What??

In Los Angeles, Thor saves a woman from being mugged, then he tries to kill the mugger, but Jarnsaxa explains that they don’t want to be noticed like that. They are running around in furry leggings, cloaks, and chain mail, but they don’t wanna be noticed. Ok. In the storage shed, which is Jarnsaxa’s “dwelling,” Thor decides he likes guns because this movie needs a reason to be dumber. Meanwhile, Loki has portal-jumped, too, but he’s not in a hurry to get anywhere because he can smell. If he gets approached by a group of goth kids who say, “Cool clothes,” or whatever, I quit.

Jarnsaxa and Thor go to where the secret Tree Portal is, but someone built a wall over it. Instead of breaking the wall, they chant “GATEWAY!” a few times, and it shows up anyway. Jarnsaxa explains to Thor that there is a knight who protects the tree, and he has to kill him. Thor didn’t bring a gun to shoot him, because he’s a doofus, so they have a 2-minute slow-motion fight that makes me want to break my TV. The ENTIRE SCENE is slow-motion. Seriously?? Thor makes his way to the heart of the tree, and they’re foliage there…because there are usually vines and leaves and shit in the middle of trees. He prays to the tree to give him the rock stick, and it does. Now they have to go back to LA to defeat Loki. At this point, Loki has realized that Thor has portal-jumped again, but he says aloud, “You can’t exscape me, Thor!”

Thor and Loki have their climactic showdown, wherein Thor holds the Hammer of Invincibility and says, “You can’t have it,” so Loki spits sand in his face. Loki tries to take the Hammer, but Jarnsaxa cuts his hand off, and they run away. Why did the Hammer of Invincibility not protect Thor from the sand spit? I guess that wasn’t the climactic showdown. Suddenly, our protagonists are on a rooftop, and Thor is being highly unreasonable while Jarnsaxa tries to explain to him how much of an idiot he is. And suddenly they love each other? They’ve known each other for like a day and a half. Thor leaves while she’s not paying attention so he can go Climactic Showdown with Loki.

This is, for sure, the climactic showdown, because they’re slow-motion fighting, and Loki is teleporting sometimes. Thor almost Hammer Smashes Loki’s head, but Loki tells him the fireball bone gun can bring his family back from the dead, so he takes the gun and leaves Loki. Thor and the love of his life go back to her dwelling, but she leaves to go buy groceries or something. Thor uses the bone gun to try to bring back his family, but it was a TRICK! Loki appears through smoke, even though Thor thought he killed him, but Loki is a demon so he was never alive. I really have no idea what’s going on. Jarnsaxa shoots Loki in the head, and the pair escape, but Loki vows to track them down because this movie will never end. Jarnsaxa helps Thor out of the building (I guess because he’s a giant pussy, because he’s not hurt). Thor doesn’t understand why everything he does on his own is wrong, and he’s crying about it. Jarnsaxa is trying to explain that she’s been trying to explain that he’s is too much of a baby to fight Loki, but he won’t listen. They try to make a portal with sidewalk chalk so they can go back to Asgard (I think), but Loki grabs Jarnsaxa’s leg and drags her back to LA. Thor goes back and finds her on the ground. She tells Thor she loves him SO much, and he puts the Hammer down so he can cry about it. And that’s when it’s revealed that it was a TRICK! Loki takes the hammer and chains the couple to a wall. He also calls for his demon hammerhead shark lizards to help him destroy LA, because that is the center of the world.

Loki speaks to the losers who are chained, then opens up a portal to HELL and drops both of them into it. Jarnsaxa dies, I guess, but Thor grabs an armful of lava and starts forging something out of it. I’m not sure that’s how that works. While this is going on, Loki is bringing chaos and ridiculousness to Los Angeles by strolling around and saying, “RAGNAROK!” while pointing toward the sky. At this point, I’ve realized that the Hammer of Invincibility is actually a Hammer of Chaos and Destruction, because that seems to be the only real use for it. Thor finishes forging his lava object and portal-jumps back to LA, where he has a CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN with Loki. Loki, of course, is surprised because he clearly sent Thor to hell. As it turns out, Thor forged a metal (silver-colored Styrofoam board) Hammer to battle Loki’s Hammer. Of course, Thor defeats Loki, then he returns to Asgard as king or whatever. Los Angeles is still trying to rebuild.

There is no tip-toeing around it. This movie was a pile of garbage. Cody Deal had the physique to fit Thor, but that was all. He looked like a scraggly Jack Swagger and he cried a lot. Neither of those are ways I would describe the superhero. Patricia Velasquez is cute enough, but she’s also a terrible actress. Loki…good grief, Loki… There is seriously nothing good I can say about this. I mean, it was hilarious in its awfulness, but there are no redeeming qualities. It’s still not worse than River of Darkness (also starring Kevin Nash), but it’s going to get the same score from me. 10/5 on the Commando-meter.

(Pretend you see 10 pictures of Hulk Hogan flexing in his Suburban Commando costume until I figure out how to make this work.)

 

That’s all for this week. I’ll be back on Monday with Headlines. Thanks for reading.

-Jacob

Follow me on Twitter: @chacobian