From Netflix:In the radioactive wasteland of the future, Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet. A female organization intent on repopulating kidnaps Sam and sends him on a deadly mission to impregnate a group of beautiful women. They all need rescuing from the violent bipedal amphibian leader of Frogtown. Will Sam and his "loaded weapon" survive the mission?"No, seriously. This is gonna be rough.<!--more-->Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987) opens with a montage of scenes depicting nuclear war, and the wasteland it creates while a female narrator informs us of what happened in the “late 20th Century.” In the first actual scene, some guy wearing a laundry basket and goggles picks up a replica Statue of Liberty. A random black dude takes it from him, says, “This ain’t worth sh*t,” (because “social commentary”) then Basket Head shoots him. And he croaks. Then the other dude dies.The opening credits, for some reason, are basically a scrapbook of photos from the movie. Fortunately, it doesn’t last long, which is a sentiment shared by my ex-girlfriends. We see that some dude named Sam Hell (Roddy Piper with the worst name ever) has been captured, and he’s being interrogated. Apparently, he has been accused of sexually assaulting a cop’s daughter, but suddenly two ladies show up to tell us that the charges have been dropped because the girl found out she was pregnant. Sam is rescued (not kidnapped) by the women who work for a fertility company/subsidiary of the Provisional Government, because they intend to use him to father many children. The production quality and plot make this sound an awful lot like porn. But it’s not.While in the MedTech lab, Sam is fitted with an awkward-looking government issue chastity belt. The room is covered in posters promoting fertility, including one that discourages condom use. The chastity belt officially makes Sam’s penis property of the government, and he signs a contract to make sexy time with ladies in exchange for all of his rape charges being dropped. F**k this. In case you’re wondering, the thing has a flap that opens when Sam gets a boner, but I’m not sure what happens when he has to pee.Sam is given his orders, then sent out the door with the blonde doctor lady with giant glasses. It’s the “late 20th Century,” but there have been no improvements in eyewear technology…and Piper is dressed like a pirate. The vehicle they’re supposed to take on their rescue mission is pink, and Sam doesn’t want to ride in it because pink is for sissies. They twist his arm, and off they go with another girl who likes to shoot. As the synopsis mentioned, they’re headed for Frogtown to rescue some girls from the mutant leader, Commander Toty. It sounds like “Toad-y.” Hilarious. The group makes it to a border station, which happens to be where the guy who was beating Sam to a pulp in the beginning has been stationed. He reluctantly lets them through, but tells Sam it’s not over.So far, this movie has given us such conversational gyms as, “We’re gonna get ‘em out, and you’re gonna get ‘em pregnant!” and “I gotta water the roses, eh?” It doesn’t really get better. After the second one, Sam tries to bolt, but Big Glasses touches her earring, which activates the Nut Zapper 3000 on Sam’s codpiece. As a side note, much like Hogan requires the ability to drive boats, Piper must require that his wardrobe consist only of shirts unbuttoned to his gut.The group stops to make camp, and I’m pretty sure this was adapted from a porn screenplay. Big Glasses strips to her undies, and she leads Sam to believe she wants his parts to touch her parts. Suddenly, she activates the Nut Zapper, revealing that she only wanted to get him going to “promote potency.” Sam politely thanks her for the blue balls. Not really. The other girl actually does want him, because she’s heard stories, but she can’t have babies, so Big Glasses threatens to zap him again. Sigh.And then they drive some more.Big Glasses talks about how she has a plan, but it currently looks like the “plan” is to speed through enemy territory with headlights on in a big pink car that has a gun on top. Suddenly they see a girl running, and since she’s been imprisoned, she’s an animal. Sam is forced to give her a baby, but that makes Big Glasses jealous, so she tries to seduce him. Maybe, if she took off her face-sized specs, he would be more into her. The next day, everyone feels a little dirty, and BG is jealous of the animal lady who is instantly preggers.Other Chick escorts them while holding what looks like a giant hot glue gun, then BG puts on a costume. The story is that Sam is bringing this captive lady in. I think he had a Starrcade flashback when she put on the dog collar. Sam tells her to wait a minute, then takes her hair down and glasses off, because that’s the only way women are beautiful. There is so much nothing that has happened in this movie. I think that’s when the original writer had intended to include the hardcore sex scenes.Sam and BG walk into a bar that’s filled with mutant frog people who talk without moving their mouths and do things like read The Frog Prince. Ugh. Luckily for Sam, his friend Looney Tunes the uranium miner (not making that up) is there. These two are shouting about their plans to screw over the frogs, because they don’t know how to whisper and I guess the frogs don’t understand English, even though they speak it.Looney Tunes tells Sam that they have to meet Leroy, the guy who runs the bar and (?) black market. Leroy is full-on frog man, and this is way past ridiculous. He blames Sam and his “people” for creating the race of mutants and herding them onto frogpeople reservations. Sam says, “Ok whatever, but what about buying this woman?” Roddy Piper is negotiating with a frog over the price of a lady. Their negotiation is interrupted by another frog named Bull. Get it? He is Toty’s right-hand mutant, and he’s pissed that Sam brought the girl in without permission. He also can’t decide how he wants his character’s voice to sound. He takes BG and shuts Leroy down after knocking Sam out.When Sam wakes up, he’s being tended to by a frog lady who is secretly on their side. Somehow, she is smoking a cigarette. Meanwhile, BG is trying to escape from Bull as he is talking to Basket Head. It’s the last we see of Basket Head, with nary a mention of who he is or why he exists. Anyway, she can’t escape because two frog people with swords (why not?) stop her. Sam is still being molested by the frog stripper, or whatever, and he won’t do her. Racist. They go off to find BG, but Frog Princess falls down some stairs into a jumble of wires, and she can’t move. Jesus Christ.Sam locates Bull while he’s in the middle of accepting a shipment of shotguns (what the f**k?!), but he’s spotted and Bull actually shouts, “SEIZE HIM!” They do.We get the impression that Toty is going to eat BG, but right now she’s on a bed, surrounded by the concubines, and they’re virgin dancing all around her. I guess this is supposed to “weaken her body,” but they’re also trying to mentally prepare her for the Dance of the Three Snakes.Bull has Sam tied up somewhere, and it looks like he’s going to try to Choppy Choppy Pee Pee with a chainsaw, because he wants to know what’s so great about Sam Hell’s dick. Because all bad guys are idiots, he forgot to gas up the chainsaw. Why are they never prepared? When he comes back, he somehow saws off the chastity belt without destroying Sam’s body in any way. Sam tells him it was rigged to explode if removed by the wrong person, and it does, but only a little. Bull recovers and kills Frog Princess, who returned to save Sam. Sam and Bull have a fight that is the antithesis of the fight scene from They Live. Bull Frog dies, and all rejoice.While all this is going on, BG is being forced, under threat of murder, to perform the Dance of the Three Snakes, even though no one ever taught it to her. It’s ok, though, because it just means she has to dance until all of Toty’s penises are hard. Before he can touch her with his three snakes, though, she kicks him in them. Sam comes to her rescue, but Toty jumps high to safety, because “frogs.” While they’re escaping with the ladies, BG likea-ninjy chops some guards, but they run into frogs that can not only walk and talk, but they know how to use shotguns. They’re saved by Looney Tunes who sacrifices himself so they can get away. Good friend.There’s a “car chase” that is absolutely awful, and it includes Sam shooting a frog person who bleeds green, because you bleed the same color as your skin. The whole thing culminates when Sam has a Power Rangers fight with Toty. I’m not telling you the end, but I don’t recommend you give a sh*t.Good grief, this movie was so terrible. The only redeeming quality is that you see boobs once. This may be Piper at his worst as an actor, and the rest of the cast was equally bad. It’s listed as a sci-fi action comedy, but it wasn’t funny or particularly action-y. The bad news is there are two sequels. The good news is I don’t think I have to watch them. This one gets an 8.5 on the Commando-meter.If this is your first time reading Disasterpiece Theatre, the Commando-meter is not a traditional star rating system. The meter fills as I watch movies, depending on how much stupid stuff happens…or how much I would rather someone chop off my penis with a chainsaw. An empty meter means the film was awesome. A full meter (or sometimes overflowing meter) means the movie was terrible. Easy enough, right?A lot of people have been asking for reviews of films I’ve already done. That’s ok. Below is a list of all the movies I’ve reviewed, with plenty more to come. Is there something you want to see get the Disasterpiece treatment, but it’s not on there? Leave a request in the comments, and I can almost promise I’ll get to it.Thanks for reading.-Jacob Previously, on Disasterpiece TheatreThe Wrestler (Mickey Rourke)Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan)No Holds Barred (Hulk Hogan)River of Darkness (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, and Sid)Ready to Rumble (Diamond Dallas Page and other WCW guys)See No Evil (Kane)The Chaperone (Triple H)The Rundown (The Rock)House of the Rising Sun (Batista)Fast Five (The Rock)Inside Out (Triple H)The Condemned (Steve Austin)The Marine (John Cena)The Marine 2 (Ted DiBiase)Wrong Side of Town (Rob Van Dam and Batista)Little Hercules in 3D (Hulk Hogan and Big Show)They Live (Roddy Piper)Santa’s Slay (Bill Goldberg)Albino Farm (Chris Jericho)Mr. Nanny (Hulk Hogan)The Reunion (John Cena)The Stranger (Steve Austin)Wrestlemaniac (Rey Misterio, Sr.)Doom (The Rock)Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (The Rock)Thunder in Paradise (Hulk Hogan)Legendary (John Cena)