Disasterpiece Theatre: Little Hercules in 3DBy Jacob LindseyThis week’s column is brought to you courtesy of reader and infrequent commenter, Wulliam Raymond. I received it as a “gift,” and I’m not sure if I should thank him, or send him a punch to the face. I don’t want to pay shipping, though, so thanks buddy. Instead of my usual introduction, I’m going to let this one introduce itself. Here’s the plot synopsis from the DVD case:“Little Hercules decides to go to Earth to experience life as a real boy. He leaves Mt. Olympus, descends through the heavens, and lands in Burbank, California where his time leaping sparks a chain of culture-clashing misadventures.” Sound fun? It’s not, but here goes nothing.<!--more-->Little Hercules (2008) opens with the worst opening credits I’ve seen in a while. I imagine it would have been even worse if I was watching in 3D. Picture Angry Birds, if the birds were words and they were coming straight at you for two minutes. I swear if the term “chariots of steel” is used in this movie, I give up on humanity. We first meet young Hercules, played by a jacked up six-year-old girl (Richard Sandrak), as he is daydreaming about having a sword fight with goons in matching sweatsuits that would make the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers look like 300. He is brought back to reality by Socrates (Elliott Gould), who is very old, very hairy, and very not-Greek. Authenticity was not of the highest concern, as we soon find out that Diane Venora (Heat) and Terry “Hulk” Hogan (that’s how he’s credited) play Hera and Zeus. (Side note: If you’ve seen the film, and you can tell me what accent Venora is using, that would be great. Is it supposed to be Greek?)Anyway, it comes up that Hercules wants to play on Earth, but Zeus forbids it because he doesn’t understand. “You have the greatest tutors in the world—Socrates and Aristotle,” says Zeus. Then Socrates pipes in with, “And soon Aristophanes will teach you about literature!” “But who will teach me how to dance?!” Not making that up. Ok, quickly, before I continue: Socrates and Aristotle were both humans, but they weren’t alive at the same time. Hercules is an ancient Roman myth that was adopted by the Greeks, who used the name Heracles. There is already too much time travel and myth-butchering going on, and we’re like six minutes in.Anyway, Zeus (they couldn’t get Deebo for this?) is so angry about Earth and dancing that he unleashes the power of Zeusamania by shooting lightning bolts toward the screen, which was probably some piss-poor attempt at justifying 3D. About that time, things start making even less sense because Marduk, the Babylonian god-king (Paul Wight) shows up to cause trouble. Why didn’t WWE promote this film? Doesn’t matter. I’m not sure how he got to Mt. Olympus, but shit’s about to get real. After some taunts, the two big gods start HADOUKENing each other, and Hera opens up a Portal for Herc that leads to Earth. The kid jumps in because he’s an idiot who keeps forgetting that Hera hates him.Good Christ, of all the places in the ENTIRE WORLD that he could land, he ends up in Los Angeles, CA. Since he’s there, Marduk and Zeus make a bet that I don’t really understand, but it has something to do with Hercules surviving on Earth without super powers. Marduk specifically mentions Burbank, which shows that he’s a fucking genius for being an ancient Babylonian god who knows present-day U.S. geography. Quick recap: Hercules, an ancient Roman mythological demigod, is a boy who is being tutored by Greek philosophers from the 5th century B.C. His evil stepmother allows him to time-warp to present-day LA. Can I be done now? Shit. 11 minutes, 40 seconds into the movie—“chariots of steel.”Meanwhile on Earth, Hercules makes a friend by dog whispering a skateboard from the clutches of a…well, a dog. His new friend, Curtis, promotes African-American racial stereotypes, then says, “I guess I’ll call you Little Herc.” Nicknames are essential, kids. Suddenly, we see feet and shins (an annoying director trademark), that end up belonging to XX (Nick Hogan). XX not only has a stupid name, he also doesn’t know what it means to Be A Star, so he and his flunkies try to bully Curtis and Little Herc into handing over the coveted skateboard. The Olympian Warrior then treats us to another Power Rangers fight scene that was choreographed by my 3-year-old cousin and a blind kangaroo. True story.Curtis is a pretty good friend, so he takes Herc home, where his mother (Robin Givens) ditches the opportunity to end her “drought” on a blind date for tending to her son and his new friend. Good life lesson there—sex on the first blind date is probably not the best idea. Do what you want, though, I’m not judging. Mom starts cleaning up a cut on Hercules’ face with rubbing alcohol and Hercules takes it like the beast he is   winces because he’s a big baby. It’s decided that he will spend the night because he doesn’t understand modern technology (because he’s an ancient mythological being) and the lady doesn’t believe he is the “real” Hercules.The next morning, while wrapping himself in toilet paper, Herc hears Zeus in the toilet. (Didn’t make any of that up.) He opens the lid and sees Hulk Hogan in the toilet water. That’s funny, because I think Triple H makes that joke on a daily basis. Zeus tells Hercules that being human isn’t easy and other stuff—ya know, fatherly advice and whatnot. Then, Hercules accompanies Curtis at school. Of course, XX goes to the same school, and we find him threatening a 12-year-old girl for test answers. The joke is that he’s dumb. I think we all knew that already. Since school is boring, the kids go to track practice, even though the school is closing and nothing matters. The good news, though, is that the track team is coached by the dad from Home Alone (John Heard)! Of course, we also find out that there’s only one more track meet left, and the school hasn’t won one in over twenty years. $5 million American says Herc wins it for them.Hercules decides he wants to play in the Olympics, and we find out that he has magical super strength and regular super strength. They look the same. When trying out for the team, Herc tells Curtis that he can only use magical super strength three times, which he does in rapid succession. Because, again, he’s an idiot. It’s like telling a kid, “You can have $1 now or $5 tomorrow—which do you want?” And the kid says, “A MILLION DOLLARS!!!”Shortly thereafter, we’re introduced to the school’s “dean,” (Judd Nelson), because apparently it’s secretly a college. And he only whispers. He flirts with Curtis’ mom, because she needs a love interest, and she invites him to dinner. There, the humans try to tell Herc that he’s not really Hercules, so he regular super strengths Judd Nelson with one arm…until Zeus takes away his regular super strength, too, and the guy falls into the strategically-placed pool. Poor Hercules can’t catch a GD break. Cutis tries to console Herc by telling him, “When I’m having a problem, I just play with my Power Rangers.” And that explains the fight scenes—the director is a huge Power Rangers fan.The next day at school, Linda Hogan thought she was in a porn where she plays the slutty secretary. She was in this movie for 8 seconds, and I bet she stole 75% of the money the Zeuster made from it. Anyway, her function was to tell Dean Whispervoice that the “new coach” is here. And it’s Marduk of Babylon, who has no issues adjusting to present-day Burbank. The good news is that I bet Big Show would make a great coach of something. He’s terrifying.Suddenly, the film accidently stumbles onto a Brooke Hogan dance rehearsal, and Hercules becomes an expert dancer. Actually, it’s a school dance that doesn’t make sense—we’re just trying to get the whole family involved, y’all. While all of this is going on, Mom is researching Hercules and finds out his sword and shield match the ones in the book she’s reading. And she eyes the sword like she wants to use the non-pointy end on herself.When we finally make it to the track meet, Hercules makes the decision to be mortal. Then XX punches him in the stomach. Zeus comforts him and asks how he feels. “I feel pain for the very first time.” Of course, this doesn’t count that time Mom touched his scratch with rubbing alcohol. Zeus tells him he can change his mind because, “We are from Olympus, we can indulge our whims.” Clearly that’s a philosophy that Hogan has taken to heart.For some reason, Marduk and Zeus end up “fighting.” At first, they’re on Earth, then Marduk growls and suddenly they’re surrounded by lava. This fight is slower than a Hogan-Big Show match would be today, and it makes me want this movie to end. While this is happening, Hercules is winning the track meet with heart (aka cardio training). Then, Marduk brings in a ninja. Ok, bear with me. Ninja shows up for a race, then Herc is in the locker room. When he comes out, he hits his special on Marduk—Socrates tells us Marduk has been vanquished, right? Then the race happens. And the voice of Marduk is encouraging Ninja, but to no avail. Hercules wins because Zeus helps him cheat. And someone owes me $5 million American. Then the movie basically ends.Two words sum this one up: Da fuq? This is the second-worst movie I’ve seen since I started this column. Everything from shitty acting, a terrible script, poor use of 3D and CGI, atrocious editing, and the fact that Herc’s voice doesn’t match the actor (don’t know if it’s different, it just doesn’t sound right) all contribute to this being a true disasterpiece. The kid who plays Hercules makes Kristen Stewart seem like she’s Helen effing Mirren. I can’t believe this was only 90 mintues, because it felt like 6 hours. Though the Home Alone dad was the best in the movie, he couldn’t save this turd from clogging the toilet bowl. I’m going with an 8 on the Commando-meter for this one. Don’t watch it.That’s all for me this week. Good grief.-JacobFollow me on Twitter:@chacobian@OperationMTMD