Diasterpiece Theatre: Mr. Nanny

By Jacob Lindsey

“In this uproarious comedy, former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan stars as former professional wrestler Sean Armstrong, who is lured out of retirement to serve as a bodyguard for the inventor of a critical microchip. To Sean's horror, he soon discovers he's also expected to serve as bodyguard (and nanny) to the inventor's children, who attempt to drive Sean away using their usual ruthless tactics -- just as they've driven away every other nanny!”Dammit.<!--more-->Mr. Nanny (1993—I’ll talk about that in a second) opens with a sleepy Sean Armstrong (Terry “Hulk” Hogan) sitting on pier, petting a fish run away with his line. He is dreaming about being attacked in a wrestling ring by Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Kamala, George “The Animal” Steele, Afa the Wild Samoan, and…The Zodiac? “But wait, Jacob. I thought you said this movie came out in 1993. Ed Leslie wasn’t portraying The Zodiac until 1995!” I know, I was confused, too. Either the film came up with the costume for the man from The Land of Yin and Yang, or every source that cites this film’s release date is wrong. I honestly don’t know. Wow, I’m off-topic.So, sleepy fisherman falls out of his chair, then reels in a tiny fish. About that time, George Jefferson hobbles up to ask Armstrong for a favor. As it turns out, George Jefferson is Burt Wilson, Armstrong’s wrestling manager for the last 15 years. Apparently, Armstrong is semi-retired, Burt is a security guard, and neither can let go of the past. Burt offers Armstrong a job as a bodyguard to a wealthy technology tycoon. Of course, he declines. “I’m a wrestler, not a bodyguard, ok?!” Then he storms down the hall and slams the door to his bedroom. Ok, maybe not. But it sounded like something my sister would say/do. Once Armstrong realizes Burt is starving to death, and Burt reminds him that he took a bullet for him, Armstrong agrees to do the job.The next thing you know, Armstrong is riding his motorcycle down a country highway, on his way to HOLY SHIT he just teleported to L.A. Or somewhere. He pulls into the gated parking lot of Mason Enterprises, or whatever, and the security guard immediately assumes Armstrong is trouble, so he tries to assault Armstrong with his security guard stick. Hogan gets pissed and destroys the guards and the booth…because he is a level-headed, rational human being.Inside the building, Armstrong is meeting with Alex Mason, timid inventor-type and owner of the company. Armstrong lies directly to his face about having experience as a bodyguard. Mason opens a drawer, and something blows up. Well…it “poofs.” Frank (Mason’s head of security) comes running in, screaming like a maniac, and Armstrong clotheslines the shit out of him. Mason explains who Frank is, and Armstrong helps Frank up while saying, “You alright buddy? Didja see who hitcha?” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!The phone rings. Mason answers and someone’s mouth is on the other line saying, “I deziyah ya new computah chip.” Because computer chips were all the rage for bad guys in the 90s. Mason declines, because he’s spent his whole life working on it, and he’ll be damned if he is going to give it to some LUNATIC WITH BAD TEETH AND A WEIRD VOICE! I may have editorialized a bit… Anyway, Frank and Mason are discussing the chip, which is the backbone of Mason’s Peacefinder project. Armstrong gets nosy, but Mason says it’s confidential. Armstrong argues that he needs to know what he’s protecting, and instead of saying, “You’re protecting me and my family, fuckhead,” he basically says, “Oh alright, as long as you promise not to tell.” Mason shows Armstrong a model of a missile that, when programmed with the top secret Peacefinder computer chip, can shoot down any missile of any size fired by any country on any given Sunday. My question, immediately, is why would a bad guy want the Peacefinder?Mason tells Armstrong that the kids are part of the deal, but it’s ok because they have a nanny. When they get home, the nanny runs out of the house with her hair on fire. Inside the house, Armstrong finds a pie and tries to steal it, but a sassy black lady tries to chop off his hand. She misses, and he counts his fingers to make sure they’re all there. Then he finds a bunch of booby traps the kids set for him, because they’re pieces of shit. Everyone sits down to dinner, then Papa Mason gets a signal from his portable calculator/fax machine, dashing the kids’ hope of going out for ice cream.Meanwhile, Frank is drowning in what looks like skim milk while the evil gentleman is wondering where the chip is. Evil guy, whose name is Thanatos, is assured by Frank that he knows exactly where the chip is kept. Aside from Thanatos’ ridiculous “last name,” (it’s a term for one’s “death drive” in Freudian psychoanalysis, or the angel of death-type thing in Greek mythology) he has a metal plate that makes up the top part of his skull. He looks ridiculous, but he believes Frank.The next day, I guess, Armstrong takes the kids to school, where Katie is sent to detention for being a brat. We learn that Armstrong spent a lot of time in detention, earning him the title “King of Detention.” He is bigger than the principal, though, so he intimidates him into letting them go. They see Alex Jr. being bullied, but they don’t do anything because there is a lesson to be learned later. (The lesson is to zap the bullies with an electrified wallet.)Back at home, the kids continue to try to torture Armstrong during his workout/shower, and he decides he’s leaving. However, the sassy black lady calls him names like “pucker butt,” and we realize the kids just want attention, since their mom died and dad is always working. While this is happening, Frank has taken Thanatos and his goons to Mason’s business to get the chip. He doesn’t know the safe’s combination, so a big dude name Wolfgang rips it out of the wall, only to find that it’s empty. This sets off alarms, which give Thanatos’ metal skull a headache. He wails, “THE PRESHAH! THE PRESHAH!” and runs his head into the wall. Then Wolfgang punches Frank, breaking his face.The kids come up with one last attempt to get rid of Armstrong. It’s called the pit of blood, and it’s every bit as stupid as it sounds. Armstrong survives it and cuts a promo on the kids, talking about what giant pieces of shit they are. Of course, that earns their respect, so they’re all best buds. He gives Alex some self-defense tips, and Katie wants him to sing her to sleep. If he sings “Real American,” I’ll wear a dress for a month. Ok, he sings “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”Frank convinces Mason to go with him, assuming they’re headed to the airport for his flight to Washington D.C. They aren’t because Frank is an asshole. Mason tells Frank he’s an idiot for selling out to Thanatos just before Frank is ejected through the sunroof, and now he’s dead. And Wolfgang is taking Mason to Thanatos’ lair.Burt comes over to the Mason house, where he tells the kids the story of getting shot. Some jerk promoter named Tommy Thanatos (whhaaaaaaa???) wanted Armstrong to throw a professional wrestling match (LOLLLZZ!), but he didn’t, so Thanatos tried to shoot him. Burt leaned into the bullet, then Armstrong chased Thanatos until he fell off a building, landing head-first in an empty pool. Thus, the metal hat. During this, Thanatos is torturing Mason and getting nowhere, so he sends goons to get the kids.Burt and Alex are in Alex’s room, looking at all the torture devices Alex has created, because he’s a sociopath. Armstrong is being taught grace and manners by Katie, and the audience groans so loudly it registers on the Richter scale. Burt continues to give Alex advice, basically talking about Armstrong’s career in wrestling. “Tough is taking on a fight you can’t win. Tough is taking a kick to the head and asking for more. Tough is…a 300-lb man in tights?” And Armstrong is wearing a leotard and tutu, doing ballet with Katie.In the nick of time, the bad guys break into the house, kidnap the kids and Burt, and leave Armstrong lying in a puddle of humiliation. Fortunately, he changes clothes before the cops show up, and he escapes the house to go after Burt and the Masons. Thanatos tells him to bring the chip to the pier or everyone dies. He shows up to a place, wrecks his bike, drowns some bad guys, and hops on a boat. I’m pretty sure Hogan was only taking roles if he could drive a boat, at this point. Armstrong sneaks into the warehouse and starts being a hero all over the place, which pisses off Thanatos who uses his head as a GD battering ram. Armstrong tells Wolfgang that hitting kids is lame, then strings him up with chains, instead of shooting him in the face. Then the science nerds spot a transformer, and they decide to do some nerdy science stuff to make a magnet, which shoots Thanatos into the atmosphere, or something equally stupid.Everyone is happy the bad guys are dead, and the family will live happily ever after, even though Armstrong is leaving the country. Well, he would, but the kids tied a cable to his motorcycle, which causes him to go flying. The movie freeze-frames on Armstrong screaming in the air. He’s not wearing a helmet, so he probably ended up dead or as a vegetable. Good job kids.I really don’t know what else to say about this one. It speaks for itself. It gets a full 5 on the Commando-meter.If this is your first time reading Disasterpiece Theatre, the Commando-meter is not a traditional star rating system. The meter fills as I watch movies, depending on how much stupid stuff happens…or how much I would rather lay down in the middle of a busy intersection. An empty meter means the film was awesome. A full meter (or sometimes overflowing meter) means the movie was terrible. Easy enough, right?A lot of people have been asking for reviews of films I’ve already done. That’s ok. Below is a list of all the movies I’ve reviewed, with plenty more to come. Is there something you want to see get the Disasterpiece treatment, but it’s not on there? Leave a request in the comments, and I can almost promise I’ll get to it.That’s it for this week. Next week will be a Steve Austin movie, and the week after will be Wrestlemaniac. See ya.-JacobFollow me on Twitter:@chacobian Previously, on Disasterpiece TheatreThe Wrestler (Mickey Rourke)Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan)No Holds Barred (Hulk Hogan)River of Darkness (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, and Sid)Ready to Rumble (Diamond Dallas Page and other WCW guys)The Chaperone (Triple H)The Rundown (The Rock)House of the Rising Sun (Batista)Fast Five (The Rock)Inside Out (Triple H)The Condemned (Steve Austin)The Marine (John Cena)The Marine 2 (Ted DiBiase)Wrong Side of Town (Rob Van Dam and Batista)Little Hercules in 3D (Hulk Hogan and Big Show)They Live (Roddy Piper)Santa’s Slay (Bill Goldberg)Albino Farm (Chris Jericho)