Hey guys. Before I get into it, I’d like to welcome the new writers here, as I’m sure they will provide a lot of fresh content that I hope everyone will read forever. Writing about wrestling can be really fun, and I hope they enjoy it as much as I have. With that said, this is likely my last piece for TJR, and I couldn’t think of a more appropriate way than with the (hopefully) final installment of the worst movie franchise ever. I hope you hate it as much as I did.
The Marine 3: Homefront (2012) opens with Jake Carter (The Miz) doing voiceover work while we see how peaceful Bridgeton, WA is. There’s like farms and stuff. Carter graduated high school and went to work at The Lumber Mill, which might be a strip club, just like everyone else who grew up in town. Except he wanted more, so he joined the United States Marine Corps, and then I think a commercial for the Marines happened. Carter explains how being a Marine works, and “every now and then you get to take leave,” in case you thought they were the only people who never get vacations. And during those times, Carter goes back to his piece of shit simple, small town, and that’s our Homefront.
Carter, needing a shave and a haircut, gets off a bus—because Marines don’t have cars—and is confronted by the Chief Of Police, who is like 11 years old and also needs a shave and a haircut (that’s the major theme of this movie—scruffiness). Turns out they’re best buds, and Carter thinks the guy is dumb, because he’s actually The Miz, who thinks everyone is dumb or ugly.
Chief takes Carter to his sisters’ house, and they embrace him like they were lovers who haven’t seen each other in decades. Do people who make movies have siblings? I’m lucky if my sisters acknowledge my existence. Later, they’re eating grilled food and pee-can pie (which sounds disgusting) and talking with their mouths full, and Carter confronts his sister about her lack of employment. What we learn from this conversation is more important than her employment status—The Miz only remembers his lines if he can repeat the last line of the person who just talked to him. It’s like the worst Whose Line Is It Anyway? game ever.
While all of that is happening, there is some serious business going down at The Bank in Seattle. A group of masked thievers are attempting a caper at the bank, and the Lead Thiever knows everything about one of the bankers, who is understandably terrified. The guy asks the banker how many houses he’s foreclosed on in the last year, because banks are apparently not allowed to expect money that is owed to them by the people who borrow it?
Lead Thiever continues to lecture the banker on greed, which I thought was ironic and/or hypocritical, until he burned the money he took from the tellers. I thought it was all of it, so I wasn’t sure what the actual crime was, other than “scaring people in public,” but it turns out he only took what he needed and nothing more. Sure, whatever.
Back at the ranch, or wherever, The Miz HATES his sister’s boyfriend, who also needs a shave and a haircut. Was there some sort of slicked-back hair and stubble convention that the casting director attended/sponsored?
I guess that’s all you need to know about that situation for now, because we meet back up with the bad guys, who are hanging out at the dirtiest marina ever. Apparently, The Plan has changed, but the Bad Guy In Charge doesn’t give anyone else any details, so some people are getting salty about it. “By day’s end,” everyone will know everything. OMINOUS MUSIC
Part of The Plan is to buy some explosives from a hillbilly, but when that happens, the hillbilly decides he wants more money. This part is pretty stupid and totally illogical, but it’s a plot driver, because Carter’s sister and her bf are nearby, workin on truckz, and they see the bad guys get mad and shoot the hillbilly. Then they get kidnapped and beaten, for no reason, but not killed because Extra Murder isn’t part of The Plan.
Carter hears about his sister’s abduction, so he grabs a shotgun and a rope (?) and goes after the doodieheads who took his sister. He makes it to the area where the bad guys are, shotguns two of them, and figures out where his sister is. And then a wild FBI appears! Apparently, they’re after the main bad guy, who is Jonah Pope (Neal McDonough, Captain America, Justified), a guy whose family got screwed by banks and insurance companies, so now he’s insane. FBI reveals that someone is UNDERCOVER in Pope’s operation, and they’ve been working on this thing for basically ever.
Back on the boat, Pope tells his minions that their target is an engine of greed, so Money Train? Oh, PS, phones aren’t allowed on the boat, and Pope has a Phone Detector 8000, which is showing that someone is breaking the rule. So murder might happen. Who knows? Then Pope talks to the sister, explaining how he only hates rich people who don’t do anything, which is sort of understandable, but doesn’t really excuse chaos and mayhem. After he leaves, some douchebag tries to rape Carter’s sister, but she’s saved by the undercover fed, who tries to help the kids escpape.
Meanwhile, Carter gets arrested for being an idiot and a bunch of FBI guys get killed, because they were sent on a tactically stupid mission. Carter gets un-arrested by his buddy, the Chief, and goes back to the boat to kill some dudes and save his sister. He does things like effortlessly stabbing a dude in the chest with a piece of rebar and popping out of a hole like a less innocuous Whac-A-Mole. The best part is when he fires nine shots from a revolver, which is AWESOME. Oh, and he gets in a fight with a guy who’s bigger than him, but you know he’s gonna win because it’s a non-title match. Say what you will about wrestlers acting, but they probably do fight scenes better than anyone, cause that’s kinda their job.
Other stuff happens, and Carter figures out the Master Plan, AND he found a free dirt bike, so it’s looking like a pretty good day, after all. Earlier, Pope went on a Bad Guy Rant about how, if you kill 2 CEOs, you’ll be on the news for a couple days, but if you blow up a building and kill a bunch of them, you make history. And then he gets trapped, and that logic kinda goes out the window when he decides, “Well at least I can be on the news…” The Master Master Plan is, I guess, 1) Explode. B) Be famous.
The ending might be one of the worst action movie endings I have ever seen, for so many reasons, including a broke-ass rip-off of one of my favorite movies. Essentially the movie revolves around a stupid plot that doesn't even have a pay-off. The only thing that made this movie watchable is that Randy Orton wasn’t in it. I can’t even imagine how boring it would’ve been. Here’s the thing about The Marine movies. There’s no reason for them to be called The Marine, except to pander to that one specific branch of the United States military. None of the movies really have anything to do with the guys being Marines, except for their military training, I guess. And that could’ve been accomplished in a dozen ways. Anyway, this one is probably the worst of the series, and the least-watchable. Some movies are so bad they’re fun. This one is just shitty. Looks like the Commando-Meter filled up for this one.
(Note: I apologize for the weird image sizing and any formatting issues. FanVsFan makes everything complicated and weird.)
Thanks for reading my stuff over the last two years. It’s been fun. If you’re in New York this weekend, let us know, so we can fist bump and lament about Antonio Cesaro being left off WrestleMania. I’m also thinking about going to Extreme Rules in St. Louis. We’ll see. Have fun and enjoy the new writers. Looks like some really good stuff coming to TJR.