Disasterpiece Theatre: They LiveBy Jacob LindseyAfter suffering though last week’s film, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it through another movie. Of any type. Ever. Fortunately, I had borrowed Wrestling Road Diaries from a friend. If you haven’t seen that, it’s fun to watch, and you can get it here. Anyway, I survived and decided to watch the most-requested film from readers. I had no idea what to expect, because I had never read a synopsis of the movie, but I was pleasantly surprised.<!--more-->They Live (1988) begins after Roddy Piper gets off a train and starts walking. And walking. And walking. Jason Voorhees ain’t go nothin’ on this guy. In the background, an early version of Diesel’s theme music plays, and I’m not sure it ever stopped. All Piper (whose character’s name is never mentioned) has done for three minutes is walk around, and he’s already a better actor than Hogan. Eventually, he finds an unemployment office (I guess) where there is an entire wall of JOB OPPORTUNITIES (that’s what the sign said) because Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet. It looks like a college bulletin board, except it’s well-organized, there are no textbooks or guitar lessons for sale, and there aren’t hundreds of pizza coupons. Which would you rather have: job or pizza coupons? Meanwhile, a movie is happening.An old lady tells Piper that there are no jobs for him, so he walks some more. He finds a blind street preacher who is probably saying important things, but he leaves as the cops show up. Because cops hate preachers. (Not true.) He continues walking, probably getting a decent cardio workout, maybe some blisters, and he sneers at people watching television. That stuff rots your brain. (No, seriously. It causes headaches. Keep watching.)Eventually it’s daytime, and Piper walks onto the set of the “Piledriver” music video looking for work. He does some manly construction stuff until it’s time to go home, except he doesn’t have a home. So a co-worker, Frank (Keith David, everything you’ve ever seen), tells him he can walk with him to Justiceville, which is a tent city that has showers and food. There, Piper meets Gillbert, who is a person who does stuff. Later that night, Hot Rod is playing his portable bagpipes (harmonica) while everyone is watching TV. The TV signal keeps being hacked by some sweaty bearded fellow who is talking about how “they” control our lives. Whatevs. Piper sees Gillbert talking to the blind preacher from earlier, and they walk to the church together while Piper wonders if this whole movie thing was a good idea.The next morning, Piper follows the fellas to the church, where he finds a secret lab that makes lenses for sunglasses. Dun dun dun! He also learns that there’s something strange in the neighborhood, and the church is a front for something else. Piper borrows a kid’s binoculars and watches as people frantically take boxes out of the church. AND SUDDENLY A HELICOPTER APPEARS! There is a raid on the church, but no one is being arrested or shot—just herded out. Two dozen cops in full SWAT gear are running down the street. From where? No idea. Hopefully not far. There’s a cop driving a bulldozer through Justiceville (is that irony?) because cops hate the homeless. (Mostly not true.) As Piper is running away, he sees some cops beating some people. Whoops. Back up. He sees some cops assaulting a BLIND, BLACK PREACHER. Of course, Roddy does what any able-bodied man would do. He runs the hell away because he doesn’t want to get jacked up by the fuzz.Later, Piper is walking and two things happen:1)      I discover that he is the cleanest homeless guy ever.2)      He discovers a box of sunglasses.But wait a minute. These aren’t ordinary sunglasses. They allow him to see subliminal advertising behind billboards, in magazines, etc. Oh, and he can tell that all the rich, materialistic people are actually bug-eyed aliens. Piper walks all around, looking at alien-faced rich people who, initially, have no idea why he is staring at them. After an old lady bumps into him, he sees she’s all alien-y, so he starts telling her how ugly she is. This tips off the entire alien race that he can “see.” Some alien cops try to stop him, but he murders them, steals their guns, and runs into a bank. I guess so he can see more alien faces and deliver the classic bubblegum line. If you’ve never heard it, it goes like this. “After all this walking, I accidentally stepped in bubblegum. Fuck.”Anywho, the cops are after him because he went on a murder spree. He does the logical thing and kidnaps a chick who thinks that he is going to rape and/or kill her. They go back to her house, where Piper forgets the first rule of action movies—watch out for windows, they’re made of…you know…easily breakable stuff. She hits him on the head and knocks him through a window, then calls the cops. Somewhere in all this, you see the running police again. You’d think someone would buy them some roller skates or something.Piper goes back to where he stashed the rest of the sunglasses, and Frank shows up to tell him to get out of town. Piper tries to explain what’s going on, but Frank will have none of it, so they fight for five straight minutes. Jesus H, put the damn glasses on, Frank. This is like the Hollywood Backlot Brawl from WrestleMania 12, only Piper’s punches are controlled and there’s no Bronco chase. Also, Piper hits TWO suplexes. Eventually, Piper wins and makes Frank wear the glasses, and they’re best friends again.The two check in to a hotel, and they eventually find GIllbert, who invites them to a secret meeting of the crazies. They get some new contact lenses and a few guns before the place is raided and everyone gets dead except for Frank and Roddy. Frank had a special alien communicator watch that broke and opened a secret temporary portal, by which the two escape certain doom. They end up in the alien underground, where they’re having meetings and teleporting to-and-fro Andromeda. That’s a galaxy for all you dummies. They eventually find the alien control center and then—Not spoiling the end. But there is an ending, and I didn’t hate it. I actually kinda liked how campy the movie was. The Netflix synopsis describes it as a consumer culture parody, but I think “parody” makes people think “funny,” like Naked Gun. And this isn’t a comedy. You could call it satire, but it’s really just action/sci-fi with a message. The whole thing was that the aliens are making us rich, greedy consumers so they can use all our stuff. Kinda thing, but whatever. It’s not a terrible film, but it’s not great. They should have named it Roddy Piper and Guns. Oh, and apparently the Cripple Fight from South Park is a move-for-move re-enactment of the Frank-Piper fight in this movie. Cool.This one gets a 3 from me.That’s all for this week. See you next week with a special Christmas edition of Disasterpiece Theatre.-JacobFollow me on Twitter:@chacobian