Merry New Year! Welcome to the final edition of Fozzie’s Den for 2012. It has been my pleasure writing this column for you as well as my other various bits and pieces. Today, I peer into my crystal ball and bring you my predictions for WWE in 2013. Also, due to my Giants playing like absolute crap, I lost a bet to TJRSports writer Allen Stevens, so he will be guesting in this column today. He has some fairly accurate predictions for TNA. Not one of them include me becoming head writer, so screw him. But what do I see for 2013? As I peer through the smoke, I see…
January: Ryback loses his match with Punk after being attacked by a rogue cameraman; Punk denies he knows the guy's name. John Cena starts a quest to earn the respect of the male fans by starting a series of tough-man challenges. Male fans unimpressed as Cena pulls Alberto Del Rio’s car out by his teeth.
February: New WWE Champ Rock misses entire month to promote his upcoming movie. Fans who wanted Rock to win the title realize what a mistake it was as Vince McMahon responds by increasing bankroll live on TV. The Shield attack Zack Ryder and Santino, ending the injustice of us having to watch one of their comedy segments.
March: Rock makes his first appearance since winning the WWE Title, which is autographed by Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Fallon. He announces that he is here to stay…right after his next promotional tour for GI Joe. Brodus Clay and Great Khali announce they have formed a tag team: Team Bad Dancers. They win the Tag Titles making them unimportant again.
April: Cena wins WWE Title from the Rock after Rock fails to show due to filming of his latest movie: The Game Plan 2. Instead, Cena challenges the NY Jets Offensive line to a gauntlet match. Fans sit unimpressed by Cena’s victory due to seeing this done in the regular season by other NFL players. 3MB jumps Ryback; Ryback eats them. Still hungry, he eats Hornswoggle.
May: Ryback, still hungry, challenges Big Show to an eating contest. Things go wrong when Ryback mistakes Mark Henry for Kool-Aid. Daniel Bryan shaves his beard rendering him unrecognizable. Fans refer to this as ‘The Christian Effect.’ The Shield attacks Alberto Del Rio claiming they are saving us from a lack of charisma. Fans cheer.
June: Team Rhodes Scholars win the Tag Titles after Ryback eats Brodus Clay. Randy Orton makes his 1,232nd return from an injury, feuds with Rey Mysterio. Feud cumulates in a stretcher match which ends in a draw due to both of them getting injured. CM Punk defeats John Cena to win the WWE title after Cena is attacked by 18 children in CM Punk shirts. Punk and Heyman buy them ice cream, which is eaten by Ryback.
July: Sheamus shaves his head and beard and announces that he wants to be called Powder. The Shield attack The Miz and claim they have saved us from the injustice of an overused catchphrase and duck faces. Crowd cheers. Ryback wins Smackdown MITB after eating all the ladders. When asked why Ryback was awarded the victory, McMahon replies “It’s just easier that way.” Ryback then eats his briefcase. On the Raw side, JTG wins MITB. Vince McMahon is found in the back drugged and confused.
August: Rock returns to L.A. at SummerSlam to promote his new movie "CinderFella." He announces that he has a title shot for next year’s SummerSlam; internet fans wet their parents' beds in anger. Ryback wins the World Title, changes the name of the show he now represents to “SnackDown!” Cena, after failing in his earlier attempts to win the fans respect, breaks his own leg before his re-match with Punk. Cena wins despite this, and the crowd hates him more.
September: Ryback, still hungry, eats the Raw set. Kane finally realizes that he loves Bryan like a son, so he adopts him. John Cena wins a ladder match despite being confined to a wheelchair; fans riot. Big Show suffers a head injury, reverts back to his WCW “Son of Andre” persona. The Great Khali blows out his knee while waving to the crowd. Ryback eats him.
October: Aksana wins the Divas title in a “Sexy Halloween Costume Contest” that was voted on by the fans. Trish Stratus can be heard sobbing openly form Toronto. Chris Jericho returns, immediately leaves. Fans claim he is the greatest ever.
November: Antonio Cesaro vacates the U.S. Title claiming he has no more use for it; Ryback eats it. The Shield attack R-Truth, and claim that they are saving us from mentally unstable men. Christian, Yoshi Tatsu, Jack Swagger, and Evan Bourne form stable called “The Mid-Card Mafia”. They proceed to lose every match they have.
December: John Cena finally wins over the male fans by turning heel and aligning with Punk. After trying for a whole year, Dolph Ziggler finally wins the WWE Title by defeating Punk in a TLC match, but loses it immediately to JTG, who cashes in his briefcase. The internet explodes in fury. Ryback then eats the internet.
And now Allen, if you can be so kind, regale us with your ramblings.
Allen: My name is Allen Stevens and I’m here to be a part of Fozzie’s great weekend article. After winning a bet from Fozzie after my Atlanta Falcons embarrassed his New York Giants, I’ve been salivating at the fact that I get to jump in his article for once. Despite writing for TJR Sports & Bleacher Report, I’m a lifelong wrestling fan.
I’ve been a WWE fan since 1998 when I was becoming old enough to know what was going on. My favorite growing up and still my favorite all-time is Chris Jericho, which is a popular choice of many. Other favorites of mine all-time include CM Punk, Stone Cold, Edge, Christian, Eddie Guerrero, and Kane. That’s right I’ve been a huge Kane fan my entire life; not jumping on the bandwagon at various times whether it's now with his tag team with Daniel Bryan or when he held the world heavyweight title in 2010.
Despite my love for WWE, I’m entering Fozzie’s Den talking about TNA. You know that show that doesn’t know much about logic that is on Spike TV at 8 pm on Thursday nights. If you tend to miss it, which is about nine-tenths of the wrestling community then you can read Fozzie’s review, which are always full of entertainment. I do watch TNA just about every week somehow and I’m ready to take the mediocre load off of Fozzie for this one time while he gets to make predictions about WWE.
January- While leading the Ace & 8’s to another horrid segment, Devon Dudley said that he has a dream in honor of Martin Luther King Jr that everyone’s favorite boss could return from obscurity. That leads to Eric Bischoff coming out and thinking he’s cool with his leather jacket.
February- Austin Aries takes Brooke Hogan on a Valentine’s date as an attempt to convince her to get a new chin and an ounce of personality.
March- Bad Influence begins to jump into groups because there are no such things as crowds at the Impact Zone. They begin to convince everyone that Appletinis are the way to go for St. Patrick’s Day.
April- Abyss returns and thirty people jump out of their seats. They go home and rename their pet fish Janice in honor of the historic return.
May- AJ Styles is inducted into the TNA Hall Of Fame and the person inducting him is Claire Lynch much to the delight of everyone.
June- With the weather getting hotter, Garett Sideburns Bischoff shaves his head and his sideburns to become "Bad Boy Buzz cut Bischoff."
July- Samoa Joe finally wins the World Title after a long 5 years only for Hulk Hogan to fulfill his promise. He beats Joe in a four-minute match to become the TNA heavyweight champion, which leads to the Internet fan boards crashing nationwide.
August- Joey Ryan begins to look for a new tag team partner to play around with. Orlando Jordan comes out of the closest to form the next TNA tag team champions.
September- Kurt Angle goes on his usual twitter rant talking about how he can beat King Mo in a minute of an MMA fight. Most wrestling fans ask: "Who’s King Mo?"
October- Jeff Jarrett faces Sting in the co-main event of Bound For Glory in a battle of who will get complete control of TNA. Dixie Carter and Karen Jarrett will be involved in a catfight at some point.
November- Matt Morgan hits a vicious Carbon Footprint on Chavo Guerrero that leaves a stamp mark on Chavo’s forehead that says: “Got Charisma?”
December- JTG makes his TNA debut and Mike Tenay calls him one of the best in ring performers in the last ten years.
This was very enjoyable and I could honestly see three-fourths of this happening. Some of the predictions went too far, but TNA is the land of where anything is possible. In terms of my personal favorite TNA performers, Samoa Joe has always been my all time favorite guy on the roster. I’m still one of the few that has hope that he comes to WWE one day and feuds with CM Punk.
My other favorites are Bobby Roode, who is so good that I don’t even have a joke for him. My other favorites are Awesome Aries (Fozzie approved), Christopher Daniels, Magnus, and James Storm. My twitter handle is @Allen_Strk so feel free to follow me there and make all the best TNA jokes that you can make. Also you can e-mail me at AStrk19@gmail.com for thoughts on the product along with sports in general (mainly NFL, NBA, & MMA).
Fozzie: Thank you Allen. As always, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I promise I'll respond in a timely manner.
Happy New Year everyone! That's all I got.