Good morning grubby, starving, cut-throat survivors of the apocalyptic wasteland, my name is Lonestar Max and here are today’s top stories.

F**k, the world ended. Good thing I’ve got this backup generator attached to one hundred angry weasels in my basement and have decided to wait out the inevitable doom by writing about wrestling-related news.

Antonio Cesaro, he of the United States Championship, is currently working with an injured hand yet is still upper-cutting people and picking up 300 plus pound behemoths over his head like it was the easiest thing ever. This is because he is an unstoppable robot sent from the future to kill John Connors’s mom.

Sin Cara, that blur you see in the hazy lighting at WWE live events, underwent minor knee surgery. I feel that he will discover that no knee surgery is minor when trying to stay one step ahead of the undead hordes currently roaming the greater Pennsylvania area. Though now that I think about it, the likelihood of a healthy Sin Cara successfully escaping the threat of zombies was pretty slim as well.

Christian is expected to return in January, in time for the Royal Rumble. This year’s rumble, of course, will be held in the Capitol and feature both an incredibly expansive morphing ring complete with weather elements, and an aggravating love triangle between a dude with a girl’s name, a chick with repressed emotions and a giant dork.

I just saw some dudes on freaky horses ride by my apartment. Lordsofpain I could have sworn the one with the rotting flesh looked like Ric Flair.

There have been some changes made to the main events of Wrestlemania 29. Now that the Rock is a bit of partially digested bit of flesh in the bowels of Cthulhu’s stomach equivalent, John Cena is expected to take on the gigantic god-beast in the PPV’s last match. Plans could change, but right now Cena is penciled in to win.

And that’s the news. Remember to make your personal amends with your God in the likely event you encounter him/her/it.