Good morning Humanoids! My name is Lonestar Wolf and these are today’s top stories.

That picture to the left is not a group of people suffering from an epileptic episode, nor is it the visualization of your wrestling fears and paranoia come to life but rather a simple snapshot from this week’s WWE Main Event. Looks pretty innocent. But like the girl five lockers down that you idolized during your freshman year of high school, there’s far more to this story than meets the eye.

As seen on last night's episode of WWE Main Event, Tensai defeated Titus O'Neil in singles action. The match saw Brodus Clay come to Tensai's corner to even the odds with Darren Young at ringside. After the match, Clay and his Funkadactyls congratulated Tensai before they all danced together. Apparently WWE officials were so happy with the dance off from Monday's RAW that they decided to put the two together in a tag team. (Source: Lords of Pain)

Now I didn’t watch…..wait, did I insinuate the high school chick was a transformer? I think I did. Oh well, I’ll fix it in editing.

Now I didn’t watch the entirety of last week’s Raw but boy did I hear about that stupid dancing segment and Tensai, devastating Gaijin and destroyer of worlds, prancing about in ladies underwear. The news that the WWE couldn’t figure out what to do with two different giant but rotund wrestlers and instead put them together as a team of a dancing fatties surprises me about as much as cheese And frankly, unless somebody moves it, cheese isn’t very surprising.

Moving on!


Hulk Hogan will be undergoing knee surgery again soon. ( I’d like to think at this point Hulk’s medical card works just like the ones from Jimmy John’s.

The WWE has hired a new corporate suit in the form of Monty Sarhan. Sarhan has done a bunch of random stuff, including working for Viacom on a premium movie channel, helping to make the video game Rock Band happen with MTV Games, and relaunching MAD magazine competitor Cracked into, a comedy website I frequent. ( In the spirit of Monty’s work, next week’s Friday Headlines will be structured as 7 things I will claim are factually accurate but you will still suspect are stretches of the truth made for comedic purposes.

Bo Dallas is officially the first entrant in the Royal Rumble to be younger than the rumble itself. Dallas was born on May 25th, 1990, which makes him 22 years old. ( Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drink some prune juice, get confused by technology and yell at the kids to get off my lawn.

And that’s the news. Have a great weekend!