Good Morning Humanoids. I’m Lonestar Defenbachen and these are today’s top stories.

Kenny Dykstra recently decided to crawl back out from obscurity. His first action after doing so was to figure out whether or not Jim and Pam ever got married. His second, more publicized action was to start calling out John Cena on his…..less than ideal qualities. As mentioned yesterday on TJRwrestling, Dykstra called John Cena the “Tiger Woods” of the WWE in an interview with sescoops.com.

However, missing in our initial coverage of that story was just how much of a dick-cheese Kenny came off as. Here’s a bit before the interview even starts:

Note From Kenn: “First and foremost before reading this interview if your going to say “Your a cheerleader” or make comments of how I got beat in matches then your probably too uneducated and immature to continue so please hit the back button located at the top left of your webpage now. And now lets begin…” Source: sescoops.com

I can’t hold your hand through a computer screen, Kenny. People are dumb and you’re kind of, sort of a celebrity. Take that money you earned to build yourself a bridge and get over it.

Can you shed more light on your recent comments that John Cena wanted Randy Orton fired when you were in WWE?

“It was the same night when Cena tried toughening up Carlito (which was absolutely stupid of Cena) he was pretty much bullying him because we all know if Carlito hit Cena and hurt him he would be fired plain and simple. But regardless once John calmed down I asked him what that was all about he ranted and other crap saying people need to hold their own weight around here and some how he got to Randy being suspended saying he is trying for Randy’s release to send a message to everyone that they can all be fired just as easily. As for now I don’t know if John is trying for Randy’s release or not but if I had to guess I would say it is due to the fact that he told me he was before. This assumption could be wrong (meaning this could be false and not the truth) however John telling me in the past he did want Randy fired is true (that’s true because he told me, see how that works haters?).”

Cutting through the bullshit, there were a lot of “I don’t knows” and potential easy misunderstandings in that paragraph but what really stands out is the fact that Kenny ended the thing with the word “haters”, which is kind of like taking a fart with your brain.

Skipping through Kenny’s explanation of why he and John Cena have beef, let’s take a look at how Dykstra wraps thing up.

Final Thoughts: “Going forward I have no reason but to speak the truth and to make all this up would be absolutely insane. I’m not saying you have to believe anything i say but that is the truth. WWE portrays Cena as this big hero and savior to all of us but truth be told that is a character he plays much like me as a cheerleader. When watching wrestling know your watching a show and not real life situations or scenarios. We are basically live comic books brought to life and make short action movies for you to enjoy. Whether you agree or disagree with me on this is solely your opinion which i respect positive or negative. I don’t wrestle that much anymore and that is simply my choice, I guess when you get such a bad taste in your mouth from previous encounters its not something you try to re-hash lol. To say I’m retired is stupid because who really retires from wrestling? and to say im retired from fake fighting sounds even stupider. so no i still wrestle from time to time. I can be easily reached at @kenndoane via twitter where you can tell me how much you hate me, like me, tell me I’m a cheerleader, tell me i suck and that I’m trying to get 15 mins of fame. Its all accepted with arms wide open. Much love to all of you positive or negative. #GodBless you all. And thanks to @SEScoops for doing this interview. There you have it people Love it or Hate it. Truth has been told.”

He explained what wrestling is to me like I was a five year old, gave up any form of spell check or editing and invoked the lyrics of a Creed song all in the same thought process. Congratulations Kenny, not only have you completely torched any chance you had of working for the world’s biggest and most lucrative wrestling company by slandering their top star at a most inopportune moment but you made yourself look like a giant tool while doing so. Gold Star.

IN OTHER NEWS

According to Lords of Pain Randy Orton will continue to be pushed as a main eventer after he comes back from his suspension because WWE officials are worried about roster depth. What year is it? I feel like this exact situation has been happening pretty frequently since the time Kenny Dykstra was relevant.

Today I noticed, thanks to a poster on filmdrunk.com, that Kevin Nash is going to be in Magic Mike, a movie based on Channing Tatum’s experiences working as a male stripper…….how the fuck has no one mentioned this to me! Kevin Nash as a stripper? The horror, the horror……wait, has anyone told Lindsey? For the love of Pete, somebody go warn Lindsey!

The WWE has abandoned the storyline of a legend wrestling on Raw every week. Rajah.com How about a multiple choice joke?

A) After Vader became a highlight of his episode of Raw they didn’t want the old fogeys outshining their current stars.

B) They realized that there are only about 4 legends who can, should or would wrestle a random match and 2 of them are the same person.

C) They realized that meant they had to commit to having an actual wrestling match on Raw every week and that scared the crap out of them.

D) This Business.

And that’s the news. Welcome to summer, try not to melt.

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