Friday Headlines: Lonestar Hugs the News!
Greetings Humanoids. I’m Cody Dodson Lonestar Gutierrez and these are tonight’s top stories.
According to the WWE’s website/corporate advertising community United States Champion Santino Marella will face Ricardo Rodriquez in a tuxedo match at this weekend’s No Way Out PPV. Somewhere in Oklahoma Jim Ross just got an unexpected headache.
“Six days after he stripped away Ricardo Rodriguez’s dress shirt to expose Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer as a closet Justin Bieber fan, United States Champion Santino Marella will tie up with Rodriguez in a special Tuxedo Match at No Way Out. The rarely seen stipulation match, a non-title bout requested by The Milan Miracle, will square away some of the bad blood that has developed in recent weeks between two of WWE’s most lighthearted Superstars.” WWE.com
This is the part where I would complain about how “It says wrestling on the marquee, dammit” and that “Frank Gotch would be rolling his grave” but honestly I can’t think of two WWE superstars better suited to have a Tuxedo Match than Ricardo and Santino. Pun most certainly intended.
“The normally jovial Marella appears to have been pushed to his breaking point. Luckily for Rodriguez, now that his boss has been yanked from the No Way Out lineup due to injury, the ring announcer will have only his match on which to concentrate – his own. Though he appeared wholly overmatched the last time he faced Marella, Rodriguez is, if nothing else, persistent.
For all of his accidents, comical run-ins and mishaps, beneath Rodriguez’s almost huggable exterior is a very real mean streak that has bubbled to the surface on occasion. Is it possible that Rodriguez, tired of being the butt of a joke and frustrated with his lackluster performance against Marella on SmackDown, has upped the intensity of his training and will step into No Way Out in peak form? And will Marella, who has suffered an attack by Big Show in recent weeks, be at the top of his game when the bell rings?”
First of all, the WWE article generating robot needs to upgrade its editing programming because wow that’s a pretty obvious error in the first paragraph. Second, “almost huggable exterior” might be the most hilariously least threatening compliment ever. I only hope that somehow, someway we get a 80s style montage video of Ricardo training super hard for this match on Sunday. Risin’ up, back on the stree-heat……
IN OTHER NEWS:
Ironically, Triple H is now listed as the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations on the WWE’s corporate website, officially replacing John Laurinaitis and causing the storyline world of the WWE to cave in on itself. Apparently Johnny’s responsibilities have been lessened as of late and will continue to change as Triple H’s hires continue to fill positions within the company. (Lords of Pain) When asked to comment on the story, Big Johnny told the naked model in his lap to tell me that Daddy was busy and to come back later.
Randy Orton was apparently suspended because of “a positive test for elevated levels of testosterone.” (Rajah.com) I had elevated levels of testosterone once. I woke up naked inside the gorilla cage at the Columbus Zoo, surrounded by the unconscious bodies of 4 male gorillas, a pile of empty Nattie Light cans, and an uneaten cheeseburger pizza, with no recollection of the previous night’s events. For some reason El Generico was there.
It is rumored that David Otunga and Jennifer Hudson will finally get married this fall. (Rajah.com) I can’t imagine how loud and oily that wedding night will be.
The WWE released several developmental wrestlers the other day, including NXT Season 2’s Eli Cottonwood. Curiously, Eli requested the release because he had accepted another job outside of wrestling. (Rajah.com) In my heart of hearts, I really hope Eli left wrestling to become a creepy-looking high school history teacher, but I’ll also accept creepy-looking UPS driver, creepy-looking insurance agent, or creepy-looking OBGYN. In related news, JTG continues to remain employed.
And that’s the news. Nobodies forcing you but please enjoy your weekend.
(Note from John Canton: Lonestar will be writing Friday Headlines from this point on. Cody Dodson is taking a break from writing, but will likely be back soon.)