Good morning Humanoids. I’m Lonestar Jackson and these are today’s top stories.

Kenny Dykstra continues to find himself in the news because of his recent comments made about the factual or fictional adulterous behaviors of John Cena. In his interview with (in which he also highly praised former tag team partner Dolph Ziggler, but that’s not controversial so who cares), Mr. Dykstra stated that the following about another diva in the WWE.

“So here i am sitting on my porch trying to piece all this crap together. Got 1 diva who is married to a guy outside of the business but she sleeps with Cena, then we got Cena who sleeps with rats (groupies, girls not in the biz, girls in the lobby waiting for an invite upstairs, in some countries mules because their fat) and this married diva, and now my girlfriend, then i got Mickie who is supposed to be my girlfriend who is Googling if her secret has been let out. Now I’m thinking before I do anything stupid and risk losing my job that I’ve worked for since I was 13 and gave up college scholarships to play football for I need to think of the best way to handle this. I tell Mickie just leave, go to your moms house or your sisters i just need time to think. I decide to call WWE office and ask for John’s number and explain what happened. They say their sorry and try to make me think they got my side. Following weeks I’m off TV and off the road until i get sent to Smackdown. Ironically Johns former diva got sent too. So now were on complete separate schedules and when their is a joint PPV I’m off the road that day too and get flown in on a Monday for a Tuesday Smackdown.” Source:

Kenny, never a master of the subtleties of vagueness, pretty much narrowed down that mystery  diva to two people, Torrie Wilson and Victoria. Torrie, who I totally forgot was still “wrestling” at that point, was busy getting divorced from WCW and WWE wrestler Billy Kidman. Victoria on the other hand……...

Victoria or Lisa Marie Varon as she is known in real life, was understandably a little annoyed at the accusation and in an interview with set the record straight.

“KD said a Diva married to someone not in the business who moved from RAW to Smackdown in 2007 was sleeping with John Cena. Considering I had nothing to do with why he was whining on the internet, he sure gave enough details about someone he claims he wasn’t trying to involve. I was the only Diva married to someone not in the business who moved from RAW to Smackdown in 2007.

I want to address this both professionally and personally. Professionally, you hear people talk about ‘backstage politics’ in wrestling. I’ll tell you what that means to me. Backstage politics is not some kind of psychological maneuvering. You work and travel with your wrestling co-workers more than you want to work and travel with anyone. The people who complain about backstage politics generally don’t have the ability to respectfully interact with others.

I treat everyone with respect. Everyone. Ask the caterers, building security, wrestlers, executives, crew, fans, anyone, who I don’t treat with respect and they would be at a loss for words. And because you spend so much time with these people, you know a lot about the people who you travel with and work closely with. I found that the best way to not make waves is to keep my eyes and ears open, and my mouth shut when it comes to other people’s business.”

Good advice, madam. Good advice. Now, about these lies Mr. Dykstra spewed forth?

“On a personal level, what KD said was mostly false, although there was a little truth.”

See, exactly. How dare you Kenny Dykstra for defacing John Cena’s name with your filthy, filthy……wait what’d she say?

“I have been with my husband for 20 years. He’s the best guy in the world. But like any 20 year relationship, we have some good times and we have had some bad times. And anyone who I traveled with knows that. Because you learn intimate details about each other whether you want to or not.

We have separated a few times. One of those times that we were separated, I dated John for about a month. It was not in 2006 or 2007. It was in 2002. It was when we were both in Louisville. I was married but separated. John was single. I was never his 'road girlfriend'. I know that when we were separated, my husband also dated a couple girls. That’s what happens when you are separated”

………well son of a bitch, that wasn’t what I was expecting. Victoria and John Cena? Huh. That’s pretty big of Victoria to tell the real story even if it wasn’t all that flattering towards her and her marriage. Kenny Dykstra, for his part, apologized pretty quickly for singling out Victoria in such a way. I feel pretty good about this situation, like maybe people can agree on things and work together. Let’s check in and see what John Cena’s wife’s attorney thinks of the situation.

"Although it is indeed unfortunate that John Cena decided to divorce his high school sweetheart Liz Cena; particularly, after they have come so far in their lives and in his career together, Liz will and really has no choice but to pursue all of her rights and entitlements. Although Mr. Cena pushes a prenuptial agreement and that the parties have only been married for approximately 3 years, Liz Cena has always supported John Cena, even when no one else did, and stood behind him and pushed him forward to achieve their goals for the last 14 years. (Between the Lines: Liz says John wasn’t single.) Sadly, divorce is not the way Liz thought her perfect love story would end." Source:

*Throws notes in the air*

Dammit, all you people are re-god-damn-diculous! I can’t tell if this is Jerry Springer, Days of our Lives or fucking high school all over again. Moving on!


WWE Main Event, the show the WWE pinky-swears isn’t just Velocity version 4, will air on ION Television, which is apparently the 8th most popular broadcast network in the United States. What’s the ninth most popular broadcast network, you might ask? It’s when my neighbor steps outside and yells incoherently at the bushes behind our apartment complex.

Vince McMahon has decided that the names of smaller sounding cities won’t be announced during Raw broadcasts. Oh Vince, you’re such a size queen. Don’t ever change.

WWE Studios has signed on to co-produce and co-finance the thriller movie, "The Hive" starring Halle Berry (Yes that one) and Abigail Breslin (The young girl from Signs, Little Miss Sunshine and Zombieland). Leave your best and worst suggestions for the WWE wrestler to play the villain of that movie in the comment section below. I say Johnny Curtis and Yoshi Tatsu respectively.

Former WWE champion Sid kicked Heath Slater’s ass on Raw this week, totally negating one of the news bits from last Friday’s headlines. So either the WWE can’t make up its mind or somebody on the internet’s a lying liar. In response to this I’m going to make up my own news story. Here I go. CM Punk is actually a broom pretending to be a horse pretending to be a man and that’s why the WWE isn’t letting him wrestle in the PPV main events. Let’s see if the dirt sheets pick that one up.

In late breaking and actual news, Maxine has reportedly quit the company out of frustration. I don’t have a joke for that, it’s just kind of sad. What I do have is this picture of Maxine as a bittersweet reminder of what just walked out the door.

And that’s the news. Remember to tip your waitresses and watch Spaceballs.