Melo Out - Punch-Out! A WWE Film
It started with a simple tweet from Arda Ocal about a game that I, along with many other kids, used to play over 25 years ago. I'd actually be lying if said I didn't play it from time to time this day. The game I am referring to is Mike Tyson's Punch Out, the classic boxing game for the 8-bit Nintendo. Here's what the game looked like:
I didn't think anything of it at first until I read that Evan Bourne acknowledged it.
Evan Bourne as Little Mac? That's brilliant. He's so short that he could definitely pull it off no problem. And you already know he has some serious air time so could you just imagine him leaping in the air and delivering those devastating super punches? I can. I so totally can.
It got me thinking. What if? What if WWE actually got on board with this crazy idea and decided to produce "Punch-Out! The Movie?" I'd like to think that even WWE films could pull something as epic as a movie about boxing with an entire cast consisting of WWE wrestlers.
Here is what Arda Ocal posted:
Some interesting choices if I do say so myself. However after reviewing all of them, it left me wanting more. It left me wondering what if I were to cast something like this using the current roster that WWE has to offer. Who would I choose and why? After much consideration, I give you my choices as to who I would cast if WWE Films ever for some bizarre reason decided to make a Punch-Out movie.
Doc & Little Mack - Played by Mark Henry & Evan Bourne.
I have to agree that out of all of the current superstars on the WWE roster, there is no better choice to play the main role of Little Mack than Evan Bourne. He has the size and the look. What more do you want for an explanation? I just feel bad for the scene where we have to see him jogging and wearing an outdated pink hoodie and sweat pants.
As far as Doc goes, after much debating I decided that Mark Henry would best suit that role. He would just need a hair cut really. Not only that, but can you just imagine him riding a bicycle and holding a stop watch? I can. That's what he does! Booker T was also someone else I had considered, but Doc was a big dude. Booker is not. And the appearance of the character is obviously important to keep in mind as well.
Glass Joe - Played by Dolph Ziggler.
Why cast the current world champion and arguably one of the best wrestlers on the current roster as the worst boxer in this game? Again, it came down to the look. Who else in the WWE has that bleached blonde hair like that? Ric Flair? I did consider him but he isn't technically on the current and active roster. That and he is way past his prime. Besides, it would be great to see the always cocky Ziggler play a complete opposite role of a man constantly scared and terrified of defeat. If you want more similarities, they both have horrible names.
Von Kaiser - Played by Cody Rhodes.
He's already got that sweet stache. He just needs to define it now and pull off a German accent, which I have no doubt he is more than capable of being able to play the part to perfection. I also tried to picture Jack Swagger with a mustache and speaking German, but the whole lisp and DUI thing just kind of threw me off. Besides, do we really want to have him chant "We the people" in German? Not a good idea.
Piston Honda - Played by Yoshi Tatsu.
Seriously. Who else was I able to pick? He is literally the only Japanese guy on the roster. Tensai doesn't count anymore, not that he ever did. The only problem with this is Piston is a big strong dude with a body like Mike Tyson. No really in the game he literally has Mike Tyson's body. They just changed the sprite colour. Yoshi would also need a haircut and a bad ass headband, but again, the fact that he is small like Evan Bourne really hurts the whole dynamic of this feud. It's like Spiderman 3 all over again. Screw it. I'll just cast Lesnar, dye his hair black and give him the head band. TKO from Tokyo yo.
Don Flamenco - Played by Alberto Del Rio.
Now I know what you are thinking. You're probably thinking Fandango is a much better choice here considering he also does a stupid dance before the bell rings and sometimes busts out a nice pretty red rose just like Flamenco does. Fandango. Flamenco. It's a no brainer right? Well it was a hard choice but in the end, Del Rio won because not only can he actually speak Spanish (even though Flamenco is from Spain and Del Rio is Mexican), he also looks more like Don Flamenco than Fandango. Lastly, Don and Alberto both like to wear towels around their necks, although in Del Rio's case, it's more of a scarf really.
King Hippo - Played by Brodus Clay.
He's big. He's overweight. He's King Hippo. And he is also Brodus Clay, minus the body tattoos and Stegosaurus hair. Tensai was a close second since he is already bald and overweight. That and between the two I just picture Tensai being more comfortable wearing eye make-up than the Funkasaurus would for some odd reason. But in the end, the part would go to bald Brodus, the perfect King Hippo. And if you aim for his belly band-aid, his pants also miraculously come off. Free gaming tip right there.
Great Tiger - Played by Jinder Mahal.
Does this casting really need an explanation?
Bald Bull - Played by Big Show.
This one was tough. Out of all of the characters in Punch-Out for the NES, Bald Bull is the closet in terms of appearance to resembling an actual wrestler. Ryback was a very close second because of how much he looks like Bull as well. In the end, I went with Show because of his size and the overall intimidation factor of someone so small like Evan having to step in the ring with someone the size of Big Show. Technically speaking it sounds pretty illegal if you ask me. But I've been playing video games my whole life. The last thing they would do is lie to me.
Soda Popinski - Played by Sheamus.
Tensai once again was in the running for this, but his body structure just didn't fit the part. Soda love's his booze, but he can sure fight as well. Who on the WWE roster does that remind you of right off the bat? You guessed it. Sheamus. As far as appearance goes, I would just dye his hair jet black. Shaving he head would be a bonus, but not a deal breaker. As long as after Little Mack beats him the crowd starts throwing limes into the ring and Sheamus yells in a Russian accent "Too many limes" then I'm happy.
Mr. Sandman - Played by Big E. Langston.
Both guys are big, mean and tough as nails. And yes both are black if you want be all technical about it. This would be one heck of a beating either way you look at it. Langston is one scary dude and the same can be said for Sandman as well. Poor Bourne. There was also Ezekiel Jackson, but then I remembered that nobody really cared about him.
Super Macho Man - Played by Vince McMahon.
I thought of Super Cena, Triple H and many others, but for some reason I just kept coming back to Vince. Maybe it's the fact that they both have grey hair and muscular physiques. Or maybe it's the fact that when I see the name Macho Man and Vince in the same sentence I can't help but think why the real Macho Man isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame yet. Or why there technically isn't a physical Hall of Fame anywhere for that matter.
Mike Tyson - Played by Himself.
Were you expecting Kofi Kingston or R-Truth? Or perhaps even Mr. Dream depending on which version of the game you grew up playing? Regardless, no one should play Mike Tyson except for Mike Tyson in my opinion. Sure he has aged and is no longer in his prime, but did you see what they did to Brad Pitt in that Ben Button movie? CGI is a hell of a thing. Besides, even though he isn't on the current WWE roster, he is a WWE Hall of Famer. That and Mike Tyson isn't a fictional video game character. He's the real deal. I just hope whoever writes the screenplay for this bad boy doesn't include a certain ear biting scene.
There you have it. Those are my choices. I realize this is a bit of a random column on my part. Truth is I missed RAW this week and really had no desire to talk about the current product as it is at the moment. That and I wanted to try something fun and different instead of complaining again about how terrible Wrestlemania 29 was this year even though it broke records as everybody predicted it would. Jacking up the ticket prices helped I'm sure.
Until next time, sit back, relax and Melo Out, because that's what wrestling is all about.