This column sort of thrives on wrestling-related train wrecks. It’s a sad truth, but it’s just the way it goes. Over the weekend, God smiled upon Monday Headlines and gave me a Super 8-style wreck, complete with a horrifying, ugly monster.
”Former wrestling superstar Chyna collapsed at a porn convention in Miami today and was taken to a nearby hospital. TMZ has learned [that this is] her third such episode in as many days. Chyna was appearing at the 2012 Exxxotica Expo to help promote Vivid Entertainment’s porn parody of Avengers—she play’s She-Hulk (yes, really). A rep for Vivid tells TMZ the company was worried about her after yesterday’s medical scare, but Chyna insisted she was ok. We’re told Chyna made it to the convention center today, but passed out in the lobby and was taken to Mt. Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach. As TMZ first reported, in addition to passing out, she was kicked out of a party on Thursday night for her unruly behavior, which included passing out in a pool.”
My mother always told me that, if I didn’t have something nice to say about someone, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Now, I love my mother, and I was a good kid, but she’s not here so I can say whatever the hell I want. It’s not just that Chyna got naked and passed out in a pool on Thursday night. It’s not just that Chyna plays She-Hulk in a Boner Jamz parody of a really great movie. It’s not even that she passed out at the Exxxotica Expo(as if “Exotica” with one x doesn’t kind of explain what’s going on). It’s that this person, who used to be a legitimate star in WWE has descended into a really sad, but still slightly hilarious parody of herself, wherein she f**ks on camera for a living, and in her free time she takes a shitton of drugs and jumps in swimming pools naked.
I am able to maintain a certain amount of sympathy for a lot of people, including those whose personal demons lead to issues in their professional lives, but when one is given chance after chance after chance to redeem herself, and instead she signs a contract to get ass banged by two dudes, and she still wants to call out the Chairman of the Board of successful entertainment company who is also her former employer, my sympathy level plummets into an abyss so deep that Ed Harris doesn’t have a shot of reaching it. So here’s the thing: If Chyna doesn’t get some very serious help very soon, she won’t make it to Vivid Entertainment’s XXX Parody of The Dark Knight Rises.
In other news…
In case you missed last night’s Over the Limit pay-per-view, you can read John’s recap by clicking the link at the end. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a more comprehensive and interestingly analytical recap anywhere on the interwebz, so just go ahead and read it. (TJR)
Daniel Bryan recently did an interview with IGN, and he talked about the “YES!” chants, his on-screen relationship with AJ, the expectations for last night’s match with CM Punk, and Vince McMahon thinking people won’t buy into someone who doesn’t eat steak. Yet he continues to put The Great GD Khali on my television. (Author’s Note: I have no idea if Khali eats beef or not. I’m making an educated guess based on the religious beliefs of a few people who live in his country of origin.) (IGN)
Following up on last week’s news about Linda Hogan, she may be involved in a music video for hip-hop artist Ricky Romance, whoever he is. Apparently he has a huge crush on her and wants her to have his babies. I’m not sure that’s biologically possible at this point, but you never know with that beast. (Wrestle Newz)
Speaking of wrestling wives named Linda, Linda McMahon has received the Republican nomination for her Connecticut Senate run, but she still has to face a Republican opponent in a primary in August. I don’t really understand why, and I care even less. (New Haven Register)
The ladies formerly known as Nikki and Brie Bella did an exclusive interview with Diva Dirt, and they talked about it being time for them to take a break from WWE. I thought they should have taken a break a few years ago, but it turns out that no one asked me. (Diva-Dirt)
WWE Hall of Famer JJ Dillon recently talked about the death of WCW and his thoughts on TNA, as well as a number of other topics. Most notably, he mentioned that TNA brought in former WWE guys who, instead of talking about how great it was to be in TNA, whined about how they were held back up North, so they left and came to this place where no one is held back because no one watches the show anyway. Or something like that. (ProWrestling.net)
Another Hall of Fame manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, will be making an appearance at NWA Legends Fanfest sometimes between August 2-5 in Charlotte, NC. Heenan is my favorite manager and announcer of all time, and I miss him being on my TV. Go see him, get an autograph and a picture, and make me incredibly jealous. (PWTorch)
Sin Cara recently returned to the ring after recovering from an injury he suffered late last year. That’s awesome because I was getting really tired of watching wrestling matches that flow smoothly and take place under normal lighting conditions. (Lords of Pain)
Ok, that’s all for me for today. I’ll be back on Thursday with what may be the last Disasterpiece Theatre for a couple of months. I’m going to be taking a break from that for a bit to do something else here, and to get a reprieve from writing about the worst movies ever made. See ya then.
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