Monday Headlines: Hell In a Cell Results, Shaved Heads, and McMansions!
Good day to you, kind reader. I am trying my hand at Monday Headlines, an interesting challenge in which I hope you'll participate by commenting at the end. What do you like about our Headlines? What makes you crazy? Let's dig in!
THIS JUST IN
John Canton posted his Hell in a Cell recap here, but I’ve decided to auction off the results in an exhausted haze… Aaaaaand no show on The Big Show due to a restraining order and Ziggler’s on the expert panel get used to that disappointed feeling but first we have match of the night with Cody and Goldie retaining after a beautiful bout hey here comes The Miz whose babbling summons The Wyatts and HELLFIRE heralds the return of Kane who clumsily dispatches them and choke slams The Miz because the memo read “Everyone beat up The Miz” and then FandangRae beat Khatalya and Dean Ambrose drew a count-out so that a bloody Big E could come off looking strong now it’s clobbering time but where’s Heyman where’s Heyman going once going twice oh here he is wait Andre The Giant reference plus drunken Skyjack driver joke folks he’s on top of the cell that’s right and after some sloppy Ryback ding ding the match is over and Punk’s climbing the cell to deliver a beating to Heyman and we can only hope for a Cesaro Swing on the wee bull but Los Matadores win and we’ve got more bull when Del Rio throws everything he’s got at John Cena and Cena makes a standard comeback for the title and Josh Matthews has to restrain Ziggler from hurling himself off the expert panel desk because that was hardly a fight don’t blink the Divas match is over after a variation on the Black Widow that I’ll call The Spread Eagle and now I hope your palate was cleansed because the main event starts strong with a big fight feeling and plenty of brutality but then Bow Down To The Game because clean finishes are not best for business and your new WWE Champion is Randy Orton but the real champ in my heart is that Skyjack driver.
John Cena Makes Thinly-Veiled Puke-Face At Del Rio, Total Divas
The super-human Superstar made his comeback in Miami last night, and he sat down to chat with the Miami Herald. He talks about coming back from injury, but I found his comments on Alberto Del Rio and Total Divas far more enlightening.
On his opponent at Hell In A Cell:
“Anyone who can be a champion at our level deserves respect. I tend not to be the guy who runs everybody down because I’ve had my share of wins and my share of losses… You can’t ignore the fact he’s the World Heavyweight Champion.”
This quote leads me to believe that one of three things is true. Either John Cena thinks Alberto Del Rio isn’t really worth his praise, but gets a token level of respect because he holds a title. Or, Cena could say something disparaging but he’s too fair a guy. Or lastly, Cena doesn’t bother keeping track of who the World Heavyweight Champion is, and was just cutting a generic promo that would suit [fill in the blank].
On his personal relationship being featured on Total Divas:
“That was difficult, but I’m glad I made the decision to do that, and a lot of that had to do with Nicole’s influence, obviously. I really wanted the show to be a success. I truly love Nicole, and I believe in her. It was a conscious decision for me to do it. I think our viewers will enjoy the second half of the first season that’s coming back in mid-November on the E! Network. As the show grows, it gets better and more interesting to watch, and I think fans will enjoy it this time around.”
Upon consulting my CenaTron X85 Translator, I am able to decipher what he just said: “My girlfriend coerced me into going on the show, because no one in his right mind would do it otherwise. I can’t have her being on a sh-tty show, so I had lend my star power. When I say I “truly” love Nicole, I ain't frontin'. I deliberated a lot on whether to associate myself with this sideshow. Here’s a scripted plug for it. It was awful before, but maybe wrestling fans will tune in because I am on it. Oh dear lord help me, The Champ is here.”
Old Cougar, New Tricks
Seriously, what’s not to love about Vickie Guerrero? She is the gracious widow of the beloved Eddie and has brought welcome heat to every wrestler she manages. Now she is taking on a new challenge. On October 15, Vickie (@ExcuseMeWWE) tweeted the following:
“Today received email that I was accepted to study Medical Administration. Blessed to live another goal to make ME better!”
Vince McMahon could theoretically adjust her hours a bit as a gesture of support, but this is still a lot to juggle and I applaud her tenacity. More importantly, this means Vickie has an eye on the future beyond WWE. In my recent column about Sunny, I lamented the plight of wrestlers after wrestling. Sometimes even well-paid pro wrestlers end up at the lonely end of the fan conventions, their stacks of glossies gathering dust. Jesse Ventura famously advised a young man to get an education before wrestling, so that he would have something to fall back on. That mullet-bearing heartthrob went to college, and we now know him as quadruple-threat Chris Jericho. We will likely never see Y2J joining Virgil in Ballroom C of the Fairfield Inn by Marriott, Buffalo (the Airport one) – and let’s hope this Med Assistant program is Vickie’s something to fall back on.
But Will He Have a Personal Ring Announcer?
Vickie’s not the only one taking on a new career, as Ricardo Rodriguez (@RRWWE) has been tweeting about learning how to wrestle at the WWE Performance Center. While this is clearly laying the groundwork for Ricardo to make a comeback as a wrestler, many fans already know that he has logged far more years in the ring than he has on the microphone. He’s taken bumps in the tuxedo, but Rodriguez has also wrestled for many independent promotions and for FCW (the pre-cursor to NXT).
As much as I’ve loved most of Ricardo’s tenure with Alberto Del Rio, I am happy that this marks his transition away from Rob Van Dam (a partnership that only made sense when Van Dam was feuding with Del Rio). It would be nice if they don’t go the comedy route with Ricardo when he returns, as there’s gold to be mined in a story about him chasing Del Rio.
All Grown Up
This week at Boston University, Stephanie gave a talk on building your own brand (WrestlingInc). I’m sure there are a lot of lessons to be learned from the changing tides of sports entertainment; WWE has struggled to re-define itself many times over the years, and so has Stephanie. That being said, apparently she walked out to the podium to her theme music… which yes, ties in with her topic of branding… but even I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if I was in the audience.
Steph’s also been busy on the home front: over the last few months, she has sold $8.3 million worth of WWE stock, reportedly towards the construction of a new house (New York Post). And this week, she and Triple H celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary (I’m assuming the shoot one in the church, not the slurry Vegas one). Ten years is a long time, and they do seem to genuinely enjoy playing baddies together on TV. As far as the McMansion goes, for that kind of money they could turn a wing of it into an actual WWE Hall of Fame! And here’s an idea: Jerry Lawler could be the full-time tour guide. He could probably handle reciting small bits of trivia, and the announce table will be better for his departure. How can we make this happen?
Henry Rocks The Chrome Dome
Somebody just might get his wig split sooner than anticipated, and he may not recognize his assailant.
Lean mean 405 Mark Henry. The hall of pain is almost back. Get your tickets. pic.twitter.com/NSe0PTPP2G— TheMarkHenry (@TheMarkHenry) October 27, 2013
Will Mark Henry come back as a sympathetic character, as per usual when people return from injury? Or will he set some bad-guy sights on Cena’s World Heavyweight title? I am issuing a challenge for this week’s Comment zone: tell us what you think is next for Cena, because I for one am stumped.
The First Visit Is Free
Kofi Kingston is the co-owner of Chi Yoga studio in Tampa, Florida. They celebrated their grand opening this past weekend by offering free classes (WrestlingInc). Good for Kofi, for being yet another wrestler diversifying his portfolio, and into a field that attracts both young people (including wrestling fans and tourists to the area) and the baby boomers (retiring to Florida) whose bodies prefer the low impact of yoga. I’m wondering if Kofi heard that they were planning to pair him up with The Miz as a tag team, and he thought, “SWEET TROUBLE IN PARADISE, I’d better get myself a Plan B because I’m clearly circling the bowl”.
That's the news for now. Thank you for checking in with us at TJR Wrestling, and I hope you'll leave a Comment below. You can also find me @kickyhick on twitter or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Have a great day, and I'll be back on Hallowe'en with an Anatomy of a Match from this month's PPV.