Last week, the worst possible news came out, and I can’t even express my disappointment.

From Kayfabe News:

With just two weeks remaining until the biggest professional wrestling event of the year, WrestleMania has been cancelled due to allegations that several or all of the matches have been rigged.

WWE has refused to address the rumors of match-fixing, instead stating only that the event had been cancelled due to “unforeseen circumstances beyond our control.”

But a shocking report by CNN, based on documents allegedly leaked from WWE’s Connecticut headquarters, indicates that the winners and losers of matches in the upcoming event had been predetermined.

The report said there is “overwhelming evidence” that the participants in WrestleMania matches had “mutually agreed to outcomes that would be most satisfying to the audience” and that the “pretence of legitimate athletic competition is a charade.”

According to the leaked documents, John Cena will defeat The Rock, and the Undertaker — despite being past his prime and severely out of practice — will defeat the younger and more capable CM Punk.

Approximately 80,000 wrestling fans had already purchased tickets to attend WrestleMania, hoping to see a series of high-stakes, competitive grappling matches.

A press release issued this morning by World Wrestling Entertainment stated there will be “no refunds.”

I suppose the only possible upside to this is that I can spend time attending the other events that are NOT cancelled, such as the Chikara and ROH shows, and I can hang out at Wrestlecon. I’m pretty annoyed about “no refunds,” because that makes this two years in a row where my WrestleMania experience has been ruined by stupid decisions.

And how am I supposed to explain to my friends that WWE shut down its biggest event due to fixing matches? It’s despicable. I hope they get their stuff together, and maybe re-schedule.

Thankfully, this guy understands me:

In other news…

Prior to the event being cancelled, Tensai was apparently pushing for a WrestleMania match against Hornswoggle, instead of the 8-person tag that was eventually signed. I would much rather see Tensai-Hornswoggle than watch a couple fat dudes sit on Damien Sandow. (Kayfabe News)

Speaking of Hornswoggle, WWE Studios revealed that he’s been tapped to play the lead role in The Marine 4, which sounds like it will be exactly like every other film in the franchise, but I’m not sure how they’re going to explain a Marine’s muppets tattoos. I’m excited about this one, and I can’t wait to see how this plays out. (Kayfabe News)

Disturbing news came out last week about North Korea’s plans to attack the US, and they became even more disturbing when it was discovered that the plans involve Adam Bomb. I’ve already begun stockpiling Ramen and ammo. This is serious shit, y’all. (Kayfabe News)

Finally, WWE Hall of Famer, Shawn Michaels, finally settled a suit with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake for destroying his window with Marty Jannettys face 20 years ago. Beefcake plans to use the settlement money ($168) to buy a new fanny pack and some merch from Hogan’s Beach. (Kayfabe News)

That’s it for me. Have a good week. If you’re going to be in New York, regardless of this WrestleMania BS, let’s hang out.

-Jacob (@chacobian)