By William Math

Morning all! It’s your good buddy William Math here, sittin’ pretty with the news from this past Valentines weekend. How was it for you? Steamy? I don’t need to know; my young innocent ears aren’t ready for stories of passion and longing. Let’s just get into the headlines, before it’s too late.

 

Big Show And His Plans To Retire

According to Rajah.com (via an interview conducted by DNAIndia.com), Big Show has got his entire future planned out. In the interview he states that he has four years left on his contract and when that expires he’s done, regardless of health. As much as I don’t get too thrilled to see him on my TV screen all the time, Big Show truly belongs in the upper echelons of historical wrestling big men, and I’m sure it won’t take long after he’s finished until he has his Hall of Fame induction. The interview also has some fairly candid remarks regarding WWE relationships in and out of the ring, and how you can be friends outside the ring and bitter enemies inside it, and vice-versa. I’ll be paying extra close attention to all tag teams from now on, to try and work out who dislikes each other in real life. Because quite obviously I’m seven years old.

Big Babies And Their Plans To Fight

If ever there was a single webpage to make you equal parts sad and amused at the state of the human race, WrestlingInc provided me with it in spades. Wow, where to begin. Marty Jannetty has long been a piñata of sorts here at TJRWrestling, a figure of fun to poke when the chips are down. This saddened me a little bit, as I was pretty big on Jannetty back in t’day. He was my favorite Rocker. His fall from grace, exacerbated by the rise of Shawn Michaels, was kind of tough to watch. Still, even I must bristle with shame at his latest escapade.

Here’s the story in brief: Jannetty hits Balls Mahoney with a chair, Mahoney throws up, debate rages over how stiff the shot was. Elijah Burke weighs in with video putting forward his two cents, with strange Ric Flair sound effects. Jannetty replies with quite possibly the most incoherent babbling I’ve heard all weekend, and I work in a freakin’ bar. I wholly suggest heading to the link above to read it, but open up a Google translate box alongside set to translate to English from Total Freakin’ Yoghurt.

If that isn’t hilarious enough, the same page reports the latest video in the Axl Rotten/John Zandig saga, and by saga I mean whom the shit are these goofs? I lie for the sake of comedy, I’m aware of who they are, but I also know who Oyvind Leonhardsen is and that doesn’t make him relevant. It is truly sad when people quite obviously can’t separate wrestling from real life, and that’s going on in buckets here. I would put this into context, but the Internet is full of enough space-wasting. All you need to know is that Axl Rotten calls John Zandig a ‘glorified backyard wrestler’, and Axl Rotten calling anyone a ‘glorified backyard wrestler’ is far funnier than anything I’m capable of coming up with. Especially on a Monday.  What do you think, La Parka?

 

Big E And His Plans To Defend His IC Title

It’s official. The match we have all been waiting for will happen at Elimination Chamber, as Big E defends the Intercontinental Title against Jack Swagger. Wait, Big E? I thought it was Big E. Langston? Nope, just Big E now. Antonio Cesaro has been shed his Antonio moniker as well, leaving as just good ol’ Cesaro, ending any dreams of him taking on a Tony Cesaro Real American name. Supposedly Antonio doesn’t sound tough enough. Truth be told, every time I’ve typed Antonio here I’ve put an extra ‘n’ on the end, and onions are pretty tough. Anyway, Big E/Swagger is official, and I’m going with Big E in six.

Big Sexy’s Buddy And His Plans To Not Go Into The Hall Of Fame

I’m really struggling with these themed titles. WrestleMania season is deep in harvest, and with it comes rumors of Hall of Fame inductees and whatnot. Because the Internet is insane, Scott Hall is the next name to go in purely because his twitter account got verified at the same time as Jake Roberts, Ultimate Warrior and Lita. What is the difference between a verified account and a normal account anyway? Do you get more characters? Anyway, Rajah is reporting that Scott Hall has denied that he will be going in this year. This is a good thing, because having Jake Roberts, Ultimate Warrior and Scott Hall all giving speeches might be too close to comfort for the DVD censors.

 

Big Kurrgan And His (Failed) Action Figure Plans

Some of the WWE.com lists are great, and some are less than awful. The latest one most certainly ranks in the great column. They’ve unearthed ten action figures that you didn’t know existed, and some of them are wonderful. When I was but a wee nipper yapping around the ankles of the adults, I had dreams of owning all the action figures in the wrestling world. I literally had dreamt about it. This list looks at some of the ones I would have gone bonkers for. I mean, come on, a Clarence Mason action figure? All day long. Kurrgan? Commissioner Michaels? Ray Liotta Bret Hart? It’s too much, I can’t take it. Sting is also mentioned, so cue Sting at Mania rumors.

Big Purchase And My Plans To Look Awesome

Finally, and most importantly, My Dasher Hatfield t-shirt arrived this past weekend. It is comfy as hell, and looks awesome. Chikara, I love you.

That’ll do for now. I’m off to read that Jannetty letter again, and laugh my odd-socks off. See you on twitter (@pingvinorkestra), as I begin my quest to get verified before Clarence Mason.