Monday! News! Update! Yeah, another weekend is down, and another week begins. Not only that, but it’s my final week in Wales before a week in the south of England and then flying off to the eastern part of Europe for some more Balkan-goodness. And coffee, a lot of coffee. We’re edging ever closer to WrestleMania XXX as well, and the card is beginning to take shape. Wait, it isn’t? Oh right, I just assumed by now it would be. Either way, let’s have a look at what happened in the world of wrestling over the weekend shall we?

CM PUNK GETS BACK ON TV

Yes, that’s right. Anyone and everyone (Rajah.com) is reporting the news that CM Punk will make his long-awaited return to television this coming Sunday. Well, when I say long awaited it’s difficult to justify, seeing as he has been away for all of a month or so. Don’t get too excited though, grapple maniacs, as it has nothing to do with professional wrestling and everything to do with some zombie show. I assume it’s a zombie show anyway. Punk will be making an appearance on some talk show called ‘The Talking Dead’. I see what they did there, very clever. Punk will be appearing under his real name as well, because it’s the real world after all.

I’ve never seen this ‘Walking Dead’ thing. I’ve never even thought about thinking about watching it. Zombies suck. I’m reliably informed however that every episode has a great introduction, then absolutely nothing of value in the middle before a great cliffhanger ending which means you have to watch the next episode. Clever. Zombies still suck.

STACEY KIEBLER GETS MARRIED

Stacey Kiebler got married this past weekend. Rajah tells us that the former diva (what a preposterous term! Former diva?! Ridiculous) got married in a quick ceremony on a beach in Mexico at sunset, which essentially means that she got it right. She married some chap called Jared Podbre, which to me looks like a name that someone has consistently misspelt. Anyway, congratulations to them, especially considering they are people I will never meet and all that.

Stacey is quoted as saying that ‘marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship’. Whilst this is a lovely sentiment and all that, it’s also a ridiculous one. It saddens me that in 2014 we’re all still hung up on the idea of marriage. I’m obviously a bitter single man, but any and all opinion I have on marriage can be summed up in Donald Sutherland’s wonderful speech in the movie ‘Little Murders’. What a shocking invasion of privacy indeed. I still insist that the ultimate bond of love and friendship is still waxing a friend's back. Good times La Parka, good times. (Side note: I was going to replace La Parka, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. LU4eva Parka.

BATISTA GETS PHYSICAL

At a house show in Winnipeg this past weekend (side note: the best people I met last year are from Winnipeg. Go Jets!), Batista got into something of a physical altercation with a member of the audience. The member of the audience was none other than DJ Cam Carson. I know right? THE DJ Cam Carson! Unbelievable! It’s crazy to think about. The greatest DJ in the entire world, at a WWE show! What waves the product is making. No, I nor anyone else in the world has ever heard of DJ Cam Carson.

Anyway, he struck Batista as the big man was entering the ring, to which Dave responded by pushing DJ Can Carter or whoever he was to the ground, like the felling of the mightiest oak. Maybe. Carton then tried to enter the ring because he is quite obviously batshit. The whole reached its bloody climax after the match, when Batista flipped the chap the bird, and the chap flipped his lid. I’m sure it was much more exciting in person, but it’s Monday morning and I don’t have much interest in writing about Batista and DJ Camp Larson. Deal with it. (Rajah.com)

PHOTOGRAPHER (ALMOST) GETS DEAD-ED

Tom Buchanan, a photographer who worked for WWF back in the day, tells a story about Bret Hart and the Ultimate Warrior with fans. The basic jist is this, to save you actually reading about this inane piffle. Hart became WWF champion and started making an effort with the fans. Buchanan told George Steele to tell Vince McMahon about this, because Vince is obviously going to listen to the Chinese whispers of a photographer followed by a mentalist who eats turnbuckles. Buchanan’s comparison was with Warrior, who was pretty useless with fans. Warrior hears about this, throws chairs around and threatens to kill this photographer. That’s pretty much it. This was purely to eat up 100 words or so here. If anything, click on the WrestlingInc link with the story purely for the ridiculous Warrior picture that comes with it.

MVP GETS TNA

In non-WWE news, TNA held its annual ‘Lockdown’ pay-per-view last night, the one night a year where every match is held within the confines of a steel cage. Even the squashes. Without meaning to spoil the event, I’m pretty sure the only people who genuinely watch TNA now aren’t interested in news, so here’s the basics. Team MVP beat Team Dixie in Lethal Lockdown, meaning MVP now has creative control or something, because these storylines still exist in 2014. Magnus beat Samoa Joe to retain the big belt, and Bobby Lashley returned against ECIII. That’s pretty much it I think? I think Lashley actually has something to offer professional wrestling, believe it or not, so here’s hoping he can excel in TNA. If such a thing is still possible anymore. (Spoilers from WrestlingInc)

That’ll do for now. I’ve got to pack and whatnot. Twitter (@pingvinorkestra) or email (haraldmath@gmail.com). I’ve been absent from my usual Saturday column the last two weeks due to a variety of leaving parties and meals, but will return this coming weekend with a piece looking at Coulrophobia. Seriously. Laters.