Hello wrestling fans and welcome back to The Midweek Breakdown! After a two week absence, this mildly entertaining column has made its return with a vengeance. Not really. Today I’m going to be bringing back everyone’s favorite list, The 10 Count. There’s a lot to say, so let’s jump right into it.
1) Can we just get rid of three hour Raws?
As you’re about to see, I don’t have a lot of positive thoughts regarding this week’s ultra special three-hour edition of Raw. I’m not here to write a review of the show but I have some thoughts to share on a few different segments. I know the three hour shows are part of the contract with USA, but they are becoming exceedingly awful. The worst part is that I still get excited for each one of them. They always promise me something epic happening or at least a theme that sounds like it might be interesting. When the show started out with a surprise appearance by Edge, who totally reeked of awesomeness with that promo, followed by a great television match between Chris Jericho and Kofi Kingston, I had high hopes for the rest of the show. By the end, I was genuinely pissed off that I spent my time watching the whole show and not using the 30-second skip button on my DVR to bypass the crap. My wife said it best. “They start out doing something great that gets your hopes up, and by the end you’re immensely disappointed. Watching wrestling is like being a Washington Redskins fan.” She might be a prophet.
2) John Canton is a smart guy.
I'm not just saying this because we have to write something nice about him once a month or else he sends us copies of Kurrgan matches. John could have made the trek to Detroit for Raw this week, which is pretty close to his home of SomeTownNobodyKnowsSoHeJustSaysToronto, Canada. Instead, he didn’t. He’s a smart guy for missing being part of one of the weakest crowds I’ve heard recently. They were just dead for almost everything. I can’t say I blame them at all, as there wasn’t much to get excited about. Still, a hot crowd would have brought the show up a little bit and given some energy to the proceedings. It was not meant to be, and we listed to the sweet sounds of silence throughout most of the show. Fuck, I had my TV on mute. Oops.
3) Lord Tensai Train still sucks.
When I first heard that Matt Bloom was making his return to the company, I really didn’t care at all. Then I read all these reports from people about how he has improved vastly during his time in Japan and he’s a great in-ring worker now. People seemed to be jumping on the bandwagon, or maybe I should say the Tensai Train. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and see how he did. After a few weeks, I’m confident in saying that I still give zero poopies about him. He’s still fat(ter) and grunts excessively. Ignoring my petty grievances, the guy turns 40 this year and they’re pushing him like he’s a young gun who is going to make a big impact for the future. The guy only has a few decent years left and even that’s questionable. The time spent on him would be better served to build up somebody who is going to be around for a while and who actually has, you know, talent.
4) WWE is missing a big opportunity.
I’m disappointed in how WWE is handling The Miz. You might remember him. He used to appear on Raw, was a WWE Champion, a little on the orange side. Now, he hasn’t even been on Raw for two weeks. He’s going to face Santino for the United States Championship on the Extreme Rules pre-show, which I guess is a step in the right direction maybe sorta kinda I don’t know. What confuses me is that there was a perfect storyline for The Miz after WrestleMania. He got the pin for Team Johnny, which catapulted John Laurinaitis into the position of PERMANENT General Manager for Raw and Smackdown. Big Johnny should be doing him all kinds of favors, almost making The Miz the next “Chosen One.” I know Johnny’s busy with Brock Lesnar now, but this would be a great way to get The Miz back up the card.
5) Next week on Raw: CM Punk takes a piss test in the ring!
Rather than write about the field sobriety test travesty segment, I’m going to write a transcript of the conversation my wife and I had at the time:
*Cody is watching Raw. The field sobriety segment is going on. Wife comes in. Cody feels embarrassed*
Cody: This is really the dumbest segment you could have walked in on, I’ll be the first to admit that.
Wife: I don’t think you were the first.
Wife: So that bitch said they can’t drink 12 hours within a show, right?
Wife: There’s a show like every day, right?
Wife: Wasn’t your favorite wrestler Stone Cold?
Cody: Yeah, he was awesome.
Wife: Didn’t he drink in the middle of the ring?
Cody: *Knows what’s coming* Yeah…
Wife: So….logic much?
Cody: Whatever, you watch Desperate Housewives.
Wife: So do you.
*Cody stops the playback and decides to watch the rest of Raw on Tuesday*
Kudos to CM Punk for being funny, though.
6) No, you’re still a stupid farm boy.
Brock Lesnar shouldn’t be allowed to speak on a live microphone. Let’s just get that out of the way. It should be an actual rule in his contract. If he speaks on a live mic, he has to spend the rest of the night hanging out with Heath Slater. That’s the new rule. I honestly don’t recall much of his promo work from back in the day. I remember when Heyman talked for him, and that was awesome, but I can’t remember when Brock talked for himself. I hope that it was better than what he’s doing now. He’s just been abysmal every time he’s been on the mic during a live show. Yes, his interview from the video was great the first 4,000 times I saw it. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he sounds like a complete idiot when he’s in the ring talking. Here’s a transcript* of what he said that I had my people put together:
“John, I’m going to need some changes John. You see John, I haven’t been happy with the changes, so I need some changes. John, the changes are what I need to be happy. John the changes are needed John. I won’t be happy until I get some changes John. You see John, the John are changes. Changes are the John. John the changes are the John changes and the happiness won’t be changes unless the John is the changes and the John. I fuck Sable.”
*Not an actual transcript, but close enough.
7) Wendy’s Baconator presents WWE McNugget Warfare with special sponsor Empire Carpeting!
Individually sponsored matches? Really? Hearing Justin Roberts announce that the following match was sponsored by Taco Bell and that we need to “Live Más!” is absolutely ridiculous. It continued when Michael Cole announced how cool it was that this match was sponsored by Taco Bell while he and Jerry Lawler sipped on drinks from Taco Bell cups. Here’s my biggest question: Since when does Taco Bell deliver and why isn’t there a chalupa in front of me as I type this?! The only way I will find this type of sponsorship acceptable is if next week’s David Otunga match is sponsored by Coppertone or Johnson & Johnson. Baby oil company jokes, people. That’s what we’ve devolved to here at TJRWrestling!
8) Michael Cole: Unlikely Voice of Reason
Going along with the last one, Michael Cole shifted his tone pretty quickly. He went from saying how cool this match was that it was sponsored by Taco Bell to saying “I can’t believe we just sat through that.” I legit LOLed at this because of how true it was. In case you’re unlike me and have the gift of forgetting, the Taco Bell match was Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Swagger and Ziggler. First off, I never want to see Hornswoggle in a wrestling singlet again. He looked like a ball of cookie dough inside a layer of red saran wrap. I love the Brodus Clay character, but this pairing with Hornswoggle has to stop unless the plan is to eventually turn Brodus heel by baking a cookie out of the little guy and eating it. Plus there’s that whole thing about Swagger and Ziggler deserving better, which I’m not going to go into because I’m pretty sure that every writer on the wrestling planet has written about that endlessly, myself included.
9) The I may be drunk moment of the week: I’m okay with Nikki Bella as the champ.
My first thought about this was that Beth legit injured herself and they changed the finish on the fly. Then I realized that Kharma will likely be back soon and has unfinished business with the Bellas. Plus, they can save their money match of Beth vs. Kharma for later. All in all, Nikki as the champ works for me because she’s about to get hit with some serious shit that doesn’t involve getting pinned with a rollup.
10) Despite all this, Extreme Rules might be great.
Although this show probably didn’t sell the pay-per-view for anybody, I’m still really looking forward to the show on Sunday. Although there are four WrestleMania rematches, I’m looking forward to every match on the card. They all have the potential to be a lot of fun. I know I’m not in the minority when I say I’m excited for Daniel Bryan and Sheamus to finally get the time that they deserve, although I think it would be funny if Bryan made the Great White tap out twice within the first minute. There’s also the intrigue of seeing Brock Lesnar wrestle for the first time in quite some time. Add to that a sure-to-be-hot Chicago crowd and a Chicago street fight that will be of high quality, and you’ve got the recipe for a great show.
That brings us to the end of this week’s Midweek Breakdown. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave some comments, give this post a “hike”, and follow me on Twitter. As always, thanks for reading.