The John Report: The Raw Deal for 11/30/09 (HHH vs. Jericho)Live from Baltimore, MD here's the Raw Deal…Best thing to come from the city of Baltimore? The Wire. God, I love that show.<!--more-->We started with my boys Chris Jericho and Big Show. They cut a promo talking about their accomplishments, using the big words and running down DX. At one point he said DX has been together for like twelve years. Not really. They were together for about six months in 1997-98, another run in 2006 and another run now. Maybe a year total in 12 years. Out came HHH and Shawn. The glowsticks were ready. Hunter said Jericho is boring. This is the same guy that feuded with Randy Orton for five months and realized that his babyface sucked so much that it was time to go back to being funny again. Hunter is the boring one. Shawn talked about wanting to be the tag champs for the first time after they win at TLC in his hometown of San Antonio. Hunter mentioned Jericho is only Raw because he's a tag champ, so if they lose he's off Raw. How about when Hunter was on Raw for a couple of months before WrestleMania even though he was a Smackdown wrestler? Oh right, rules don't apply to McMahons. We ended up getting HHH vs. Jericho for tonight. The winner gets a handicap match with his partner vs. the other guy (so either DX vs. Jericho or Jerishow vs. Hunter). This whole thing was okay. Noting amazing or anything.Maryse & Jillian d. Melina & Gail Kim (*)Maryse cut a promo before the match. The heels were crafty and Maryse won with her hair flipping DDT thing. If you're keeping score at home, the diva feuds this year were Mickie vs. Maryse on Raw and Melina vs. Michelle on Smackdown. Now it's Melina vs. Maryse on Raw and Michelle vs. Mickie on SD because the other ones ran their course. Also, Maryse's pin was fantastic. She laid on top of Melina literally to pin her. I loved it. The best pin in the history of wrestling? Mickie James-Canton on Trish Stratus at WrestleMania 22. No question about it. Maybe it'll even make my 29 favorite moments column?Sheamus came out. He talked for a bit. His opponent, Santino Marella, came out. Santino was amazing here. He mentioned Lucky Charms, said Sheamus should focus on him and not "John Chayna." Man, screwing up Cena's name like that is gold. I love Santino. All the insults led to the predictable beating. Was it a match? I don't know. He gave him the Razor's Edge (still needs a name, I might throw a poll up about that on the blog this week) and then put him through a table in the corner with a running powerslam. By the way, the announcers busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! for the beating. Of course they did.Show met up with guest host Verne Troyer backstage. Quite the visual. He made it up to Show's shinbone. Jericho did his whole "guest host disrespecting me" routine too.Verne Troyer came out. Actually he was placed on a chair. What can he do, really? Miz interrupted him. He got in some Austin Powers jokes that were pretty funny. Miz did a good job. Out came Kool-Aid man Mark Henry to protect Verne from an altercation. We end up getting Miz vs. Mark Henry for later.Randy Orton d. Kofi Kingston (*1/4)Kofi was boom-boom-booming his way out to the ring when Cody Rhodes beat him up from behind. Officials pulled him away, Kofi went in the ring and Ted Dibiase went after his legs. They broke that up, then Kofi said let the match start because he wants Orton. Orton came out at a pace that wasn't ridiculously slow for once (the voices told him to walk fast) and continued the assault on Kingston. It was more of an angle than a match with Kingston eating a RKO for the loss. Post match, Orton gave him the DDT off the ring ropes to knock him out even more. I am a fan of that spot. This was fine. No need to give the full match away on free TV. Save it.Goofy segment time backstage with MVP and Mark hanging with Verne. In came Jillian to sing. Mark started dancing, then he accidentally fell on her (they didn't show him hitting her) and she was laid out with Verne left there to say "I think she's dead." The point of this was that Mark had a personality. This wasn't good.John Cena arrived and marched to the ring. He's serious, folks. He's so serious that he arrives 1 hour and 15 minutes late to a show to get revenge on the guy that beat the shit out of him last week? He wants Sheamus right there. Instead, Carlito comes out. Didn't expect that. He says he doesn't know Sheamus, but he wants him to win because there's a locker room full of guys (and internet fans although I'm more impartial to Cena) that hate Cena. John Chayna was fired up, told Carlito to bring it and how does Carlito bring it? By biting into an apple! That let Cena hit him with the FU. Way to go, Carlito. Sheamus came out. He stared at Cena then left. I assume this was done to make it look like Sheamus will only fight him on his terms, not Cena's.Terrible segment was next with Mark Henry trying to rap. MVP hyped the crowd up. He did a good job. Mark was brutal, though. Not sure if that was intentional or not, but I didn't really laugh at it. It was just bad TV.Mark Henry d. The Miz in a non-title match (1/2*)Mark raps worse than he wrestles. That should tell you something. Of course Henry won the match because if a champion is in a non-title match he's usually going to lose. I really don't know why you book the US champ to lose in about two minutes to somebody that doesn't win a whole lot anyway. I guess they'll have a match at the TLC PPV now.Next week's host is Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA. I like Cubes. I've even met him once. Good guy and I believe he's a legit WWE fan.DX was backstage talking about getting served papers last week. Horny came up to them. He talked his gibberish and they had subtitles on the screen. Why can't Hornswoggle speak normally? I have no idea. They were supposed to do some kind of midget court this week, but that idea got scrapped thankfully.Triple H d. Chris Jericho (**1/2)Remember in 2002 when HHH totally buried Jericho in the main event of WMX8? I've tried to forget. I can't. They mentioned how they haven't wrestled much in the last few years, which is probably true, so I appreciate that ode to history. They had Show and HBK on commentary although Shawn wasn't really funny here like when DX did commentary last month. They worked a basic TV match with neither guy hitting a finisher. Show got up, HBK got in his face and Show knocked him over. The ref, like a dumbass, looked at HBK and Show KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT of HHH with a punch. The ref kicked him out, then HBK superkicked Jericho and he got kicked out. They did the double KO spot, both got up at 9, neither guy could get the finish so HHH reversed the walls with a push into the corner and scored the pinfall on a textbook rollup. Would HHH ever lose to somebody like that? Of course not.Post match, DX pointed out that next week it's DX vs. Jericho in a handicap match and that it will be Jericho's last night on Raw. What's funny is that after the TLC PPV they have a 3 hour Raw with the Slammy Awards and wrestlers from all three brands will be there. Jericho will probably be on that Raw. Weird huh?Three Stars of the Show1. Maryse – That pin was epic.2. Santino – He gets number two for saying "John Chayna."3. Chris Jericho – Maybe two more weeks left on Raw, so he's in.Sorry Carlito, you were close.Rating: 4.5 (out of 10)Last week: 7.5Just an average show after the last two Raw's being very good. I don't think Cena beating up Carlito and Sheamus beating up Santino is the best way to build their match although I understand that they want to keep them apart to make the Tables match special. The Jerishow/DX stuff was pretty great and of course Maryse's pin as well as Santino's comedy were the highlights for me. I never need to hear Mark Henry rap ever again, though.Also, I had no problem with the Kingston/Orton match. It was a good way of doing an angle without doing a real match. Makes you really want to see the full match, which is hopefully at the TLC PPV. Still the best feud in WWE right now.There wasn't even 25 minutes of in ring action on this show. It was angle driven, that's for sure.Here's the poll where you can vote for the star of the night. Lots of options, as you'll see:Who was the Raw star of the night for 11/30/09?(polls)
------------Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFestHere are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport
) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary.Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another edition of the "FUCKING FESTIVAL OF COMMENTS!" Tonight's guest host is Mini Me! (add in Tony Atlas' laugh) HA HA HA HA! Heeeeeeeeres your host Joooooooohn C!
(I like it. This was posted by the guy that got scolded by his girlfriend for eyeing up the divas last week. His name is Whipped.)Are you ready??? NO I SAID ARE YOU READY???? Then for the thousands in attendance (at commentfest) and for the millions watching at home on live television... LLLLLLLLLLLETTTS GET READY TO MIDGETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
(I'm not really ready, but I guess I better be, huh?)I never want to hear the word 'shagadelic' come out of Cole's mouth ever again. *cringes*Dear god... worst moment in wrestling history: michael cole said shagadelic!!Dude with the DX Army sign looked like Road Dogg...oh you didn't know?I love when Jericho takes a word like "been" and gets all Canadian on it.I think the Big Show is about to make us an offer we can't refuse with that outfit.
(He's more of a thug. Jericho's the Godfather. And no, I don't mean the wrestler.)Big Show with the dictionary words. Something new for a change.Big Show's been in quite a few BLT matches. He has won every one.How the fuck can you wrap a steel chair around a fist? Is Big Show going to bring a welding kit to melt the chair?
(Well it's the big…welder?)Those hats make them look like condoms.Thesaurus = $5, Nice Suit = $500, Jericho annunciating and talking slowly so that all of the amoebas and hypocrites can understand him = *Priceless*Did HHH just endorse beating your spouse?HBK Got it right!!! Unified!!!
(I was getting used to united.)NOOO! Jeri-show must win. I like Jericho on Raw :(
(Thanks for posting, reasonable wrestling fan that knows Jericho's the best thing on this show week after week.)Losing Jericho isn't an added bonus, Trips. It's a threat. DON'T DO IT, CREATIVE!!Big Show is so much smarter since hanging with Jericho. He uses proper vernacular, dress in smart suits, and just is an all around more well rounded guy. Go Show, the buffet awaits you have earned it my friend.That whole opening segment was one big Pecker Wag... "mine's bigger"... "nuh uh, mine's bigger, look!"... still, no midgets, so good news there...Never was a fan of Jerishow....Now if they were The Big Showicho, THEN i'd make signs!
(My name for them is so much cooler.)YAY...ITS TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE FUNBAGS!!!!!
(I want it to be known that I advised him to use "funbags" over "ta-tas" because it's a much classier term. Anybody else want advice on names for the female body parts? Hit me up.)Melina and Gail Kim! Wow a team that can actually wrestle!MAN! Maryse has the best pin in wrestling history!!!Melina hasn't screamed like that since she had Batista. (Thanks for posting Batista.)
(Can I sue for stealing my material? Ah fuck it, I hate lawyers too much.)MJC is all yours John. I'll happily take Maryse.
(Thanks for posting, random stranger.)Dear Santa: This year, all I want is for Maryse to pin me!
(Thanks for posting, John Canton...if he wasn't so committed to the lovely Mickie James-Canton.)I know why RAW keeps losing viewers. They put the results on WWE.com before it airs here on the West Coast. Thats vintage brilliance by WWE!
(Dear West coast, you don't really matter. Love, the East coast.)Um King... didn't you say that "Nobody has made as a big impact as Sheamus" with Bobby Lashley, John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, The Rock, Triple H, Jake the Snake, Kama Mustafa, Ahmed Johnson, Faarooq Asaad, Barry Horowitz, Vader, Diesel, Repo Man, Jim Ross, Maven, Bob Holly, the janitor, the popcorn vendor in the nosebleeds, the cameraman who does all the pan shots of the arena, the Titantron creator...To quote my friend: "You have to love Sheamus! He's the color of paper. Who doesn't love paper?"
(A pen? Bad joke, I know.)Cue the serious voices...even King doesn't think Santino stands a chance.A classic Marellaism: John Chena.Way to go Santino! Italians can indeed enjoy the sunshine and eat all the Lucky Charms they want!
(Thanks for posting, Italian guy whose last name ends in a vowel like 90% of Italian last names.)He killed me with the lucky charms line...they are magically delicious...ha.Why am I enjoying Santino's promo on Sheamus more than Cena's lol?? What's that? Santino should be WWE Champion? Oh okay.
(So you hear voices in your head too?)Santino just took it up a notch on the accent. And I love every second of it!Since when did the WWE hire Sam Cassell as a referee?
(That ref's head is way smaller than Cassell's head. Sam's an alien anyway.)~SERIOUS VOICE ALERT~ 9:37PM! Santino is my new favorite wrestler on Raw!Cue the Cole *serious voice* for the man who ripped off Razor Ramon and "ended" Jamie Noble's career.Dammit, will Verne Troyer stand up?SHEAMUS = Simon Pegg on Steroi....I mean, Hunter's strenuous training..Troyer looks like a baby skeleton.Jingle all the way was like 9-10 years ago. So how the hell is that recent, Cole?
(Cole loves that shit.)Mini Miz!!! Vintage clever comment!GASP! "Jackass" is not very PG.
("Jackbehind" maybe?)OH NO! Mizark is thinking "GET IN MA BELLAY!"Run verney kool aid man needs a mini snack.Verne looks like a chihuahua in front of the camera. It kind of bugs me out.
(Or makes you yearn for Taco Bell.)Hey did randy grow lots of hair? Oh wait thats cody jumping him.Randy Orton did speed before Raw. Record time to the ring: 2 seconds.What we need here is for Kobe Kingston and Kofi Johnston to get involved to even the score....Now that RKO was actually out of no where. And Cole couldn't remind us! Why?!Have we SURPASSED serious voices? Silence??? Vintage broadcasting boys... vintage...
(SERIOUS VOICES~! > silent voices, but I love both.)Yay jillian x2. Greatest raw ever.
(Jillian's fan.)Mark Henry dancing is almost as great as Chris Masters' amazing man-boob dance.ill kill mark henry if he hurt her. god dammit jillian im on my way
(Same guy.)SHE'S DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAD!!Why can't Cena back a GOOD team... I hate the Broncos...
(He backed the Seattle Sonics before and they don't even exist.)John Cena came out, and I shit you not, my 10 month old son started crying....I'm so proud lol.Carlito signing 03.23 uk time! He is alive!
(See that? Even Carlito has a fan.)COOLITO
(If he sang "Gangsta's Paradise" or "Fantastic Voyage" he'd win my wrestler of the year award.)Yeah, get carlito some fuckin wristbands!Did Carlito hire someone to stab Cena again? Maybe this time they will use a kryptonite shard and finish the job!
(I love how there were no charges for that. They settled it in the ring. If I get stabbed I won't be settling it in a ring, for the record.)I've never been more serious in my life so listen to me..... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???? DO YOU STILL WRESTLE HERE???Carlito, your punk card has officially been pulled, lol! Ok so WWE puts two jobbers in against the two players in the WWE championship match to prove what, that they can squash people 70 lbs. smaller??mark henry rapping? ok....i'm not black enough for this.
(Sheamus?)More stereotyping... all black people do not rap... case in point...
(Thanks for posting, that black guy on the Simpsons that says "pardon me?" when Homer tells him to get a look of those nerds over there.)My brother is screaming in his pillow from EMBARRASSMENT. WHAT THE FUCK! STOP MARK STOP!We just witnessed Mark Henry do The Kool Aid rap, somebody say OH YEAH!BELLAS....BELLAS...BELLAS...BELLAS...THANK YOU mini me.KELLY KELLY!!!! EVE EVE!!! BELLA BELLA!!! BELLA BELLA!!!!Welcome, kids to 'How to Bury a Title 101.' I am your professor, Dr. Vince McMahon.
(Lots of knowledge on that subject.)I changed the channel to Raw from MNF and saw Verne Troyer on Mark Henry's shoulder and there was dancing involved. I immediately went back to the football game.
(I think Brees could have thrown Troyer for a touchdown.)Last week we estalished that not all black people have cornrows/braids. This week's lesson, not all black folks rap.
(What's on tap for next week?)Last two weeks I have averaged 5.5 comments on the RAW Deal...since I have nothing witty to say, I'm going for cheap heat - MICKIE JAMES CANTON!!!!!
(Sure, why not?)HORNSWAGGLE SUBTITLES FTW.Holy shit horny is like the great khali compared to verne.GLOW STICKS TO BE THROWN AT THE CROWD (check) ASTHMA INHALER SINCE WERE GETTING A LITTLE OLD (check) REALLY COOL SKULL CAPS AND ARMY FATIGUES (check) WELL LOOKS LIKE WE'RE READY...HBK on commentary!!!! Who cares about the match?It's sad that the commentary by Show and Michaels have more punch than this match... who am I kidding? Jericho is awesome...Big Show "I can't wait to make you eat wood" SO MUCH FOR PG PROGRAMMING RIGHT???? Lmaovintage ktfo!Mini-promo after the main event? what is this....TNA?Has anyone ever been jumped pre-match more than Kofi? He's like the WWE's version of Jenna Jameson - always getting nailed from behind.
(I think it's wise to just end it there.)Thanks for the participation as always.------Remember to check out the blog located at
johnreport.wordpress.com for updated daily content. I posted some WWE news & notes from the latest edition of the always good Figure Four Weekly newsletter and there are of course other things posted there on a regular basis.I'll be back with another column on Thursday called, "My 29 Favorite Moments in Wrestling History." Why 29? You'll find out. Talking Smack will be on the weekend as always, too.Thanks for reading.John Canton - firstname.lastname@example.org
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