Hi there Smack-tards! Andrew Johnson is out this week so I, Lonestar, will be filling in for him. No wait, keep reading! I swear I won’t suck! Just for funsies I’ll be reviewing Smackdown the way Mr. Johnson does it, splitting the show into Smacked Up and Smacked Down, or things I liked and disliked. This might be confusing for the uninitiated since it’ll be out of order and probably rambly, so here’s what happened on this week’s show from beginning to end.
-Rey Mysterio got confronted by Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler but Sheamus appeared to prevent a beatdown, setting up a tag team main event!
-PTP and Hunico and Camacho defeated Air-Jimmy and The Colons.
-Big Show came out and destroyed everyone except the PTP because f**k tag teams!
-Damian Sandow defeated Zack Ryder.
-Christian’s Peep Show featuring guests Daniel Bryan and AJ.
-Kane defeated Daniel Bryan by DQ when AJ squirrel jumped on Kane.
-Road Warrior Animal defeated Heath Slater.
-Ricardo Rodriguez talked and Vickie Guerrero Screamed.
-Sheamus and Rey Mysterio defeated Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler by DQ.
-Dolph Ziggler MITB cash-in was stopped by Rey Mysterio.
Get it? Got it? Good. Let’s smack this thing like a ho………rrible person……yeah, that’s what I meant all along.
That Damn Green Day Song
One disadvantage of being a “weekly episodic television show” (wanking motion) is that the probability of any one person getting sick of your theme song is somewhere around 97.4 percent. I don’t know who those other 2.6 percent are (probably moose) but man, doesn’t it seem like the WWE chooses the lamest mainstream rock songs for its main shows? I don’t think I have to explain how dreadful Raw’s Nickelback song is, which makes it hurt even more that Green Day is the source of Smackdown’s musical dribble. Seriously, what the hell happened! You were a punk band! Everyone my age had Dookie running nonstop in elementary school and American Idiot doing the same in college and now you’re producing generic rock bullplop for WWE shows? Ugh. American Idiot may have been selling out but at least it was fighing something.
….oh yeah, wrestling.
This Is Why I Can’t perv About Shaul Guerrero
For the record I think Vickie Guerrero looks fine. I don’t look down on her for not being a 20 year old bikini model like Jerry Lawler does (btw, Lawler is slimy gross), nor do I claim she is more attractive than those same 20 year old bikini models the WWE hires. Believe it or not I have heard that opinion on certain message boards and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t trolling. But the screaming, oh the screaming. I look at Shaul Guerrero and just see and hear the relentless, infuriating screaming of her mother and am forced to eat a cookie and think about happier things.
….an Elbow Drop?
Vader vs Slater: Vader Bomb
Cyndi Lauper vs Slater: Record case shot
Sid vs Slater: Powerbomb
DDP vs Slater: Diamond Cutter
Bob Backlund vs Slater: Crossface Chickenwing
Rikishi vs Slater: Bonzai Drop
Animal vs Slater: Elbow Drop
……one of these things is not like the other, one of these things make for a god damn terrible nostalgia squash match.
Big Show Don’t Give A S**t About Yo’ Tag Division:
It must be very difficult to carve a name for yourself within the WWE and reinvigorate one of the traditional pillars of the business when the higher-ups view a sizeable chunk of the roster as a resource to feed and strengthen the select few wrestlers they determine important enough to constantly promote. While this is hardly the first time a situation like this has happened on WWE TV, it doesn’t make it any less infuriating to see someone like the Big Show destroy almost the entire tag division for no f**king reason. To the WWE’s credit, the Prime Time Players were able to avoid Big Show’s wrath but everybody else was made to look like jabronis. And for what? To make sure we remember that Big Show is a main eventer and a threat to the title before he loses to Cena again? It’s been done so many times before I think we can all tell the story. Big Show Big. Big Show Dangerous. Big Show threaten Cena. Big Show lose anyway. Cena Strong! Like Cena! Buy t-shirt!
I wouldn’t care if Big Show retired tomorrow.
Let the Rey Mysterio Retirement Tour Commence!/Opening Confrontation
You know, it’s nice to see Rey Mysterio again. Despite all the injuries and everything else he’s still pretty fun to watch. He’s certainly more consistent than Sin Cara, though I feel like this is probably his last run in the WWE. I don’t think he can take another surgery, though people were saying that like 3 surgeries ago. Hopefully another high flyer steps up into the void Mysterio will leave in a way that Evan Bourne and Sin Cara couldn’t and won’t.
Anyway, the opening segment was little bit cheesy, a little bit hokey and a little bit predictable but I thought it worked, especially as a way to reintroduce the Mysterio/Del Rio feud. I had actually forgotten that Del Rio took Rey out last year and appreciated the quick reminder.
The WWE Tag Division: Wrestling Like Somebody Gives A Crap:
One of the things I’ve noticed about Hunico is that he tends to carry himself and wrestle as if nobody told him how low he was on the totem pole. I think the entire tag division has been working with that mentality lately, putting on good matches in a way that, if consistently done, will force the audience to care about them and wipe away the jobber label of yesteryear. Highlights of the match for me were the athletic beginning sequence between Hunico and Epico, two longtime partners in FCW, the point where Titus O’ Neil tossed Kofi around like a rag doll, and the finish where Primo got distracted and then punched right into Darren Young’s gutbuster finisher.
See above for my response to what happened five seconds later.
Browski vs Brainiac…..FIGHT!!!
Damn Sandow! This turned into a nasty fight real quick, putting some excitement into what was probably planned out as a simple squash match and giving some seriousness to two characters that are at times anything but serious. Kudos to both men for twisting a formulaic match into something different yet effective.
I’m starting to wonder if “YES!” isn’t being overdone just a little bit at the moment but the combination of AJ and Daniel Bryan certainly still has gas in the tank. It’s amazing how they can be both cute and devious at the same time. Are they heel? Are they face? Is one good and one bad? Who knows! It all depends on which way they want to go with it and who Bryan is facing at the time. That flexibility within storyline possibilities is very refreshing, though with Kane around it might just go into one of the more obvious options, a heel Daniel Bryan vs a face Kane feud over AJ. Cute little, incredibly sexy AJ.
I wonder how many little members of the WWE Universe are developing their first crushes over AJ right now? Probably quite a few.
Cutest Sleeper Hold Ever
The Bryan vs Kane match itself wasn’t anything to write home about, though it is slightly bizarre to see D-Bry successively brawl with a 7 foot monster only a few shorts years after losing to Michael f**cking Tarver on the first season on NXT. The DQ ending would have been lame if it hadn’t been caused by AJ squirrel jumping onto Kane’s back to apply a barely effective sleeper hold. Instead, hilarity and eventual sexual overtones.
Heath Slater is Fatally Optimistic
I’ve heard it said time and again that the most successful wrestling characters are simply the man behind them turned up a bit. Slater is starting to work as a straight up goober from West Virginia. His never-ending optimism that he’ll beat the next legend is funny and even slightly endearing.
Appropriately Named Main Events
Guess what? The current WHC champion and the most successful American High Flyer ever vs the next Shawn Michaels and Mexican wrestling royalty is a good match. Shocking, I know. Really I think its matches like this one that differentiate Smackdown from Raw. This match was given time to basically be about wrestling. Yeah there was a post-match angle involving the MITB briefcase but all the wrestlers showed off their stuff in the ring. Rey was the plucky wrestler-in-peril who couldn’t quite make it to his partner for the tag. Sheamus was the popular and powerful hoss chomping at the bit to unleash his fury on his opponents. Check the spot where Sheamus sets up for the brogue kick; Sheamus is over. Ziggler was the cocky heel who’s just barely showing some face characteristics and Del Rio was the jerk sneering above it all. All that came together into a match featuring good characters doing good wrestling. That’s all sports entertainment needs to be sometimes and the people who write Smackdown understand that.
If you’ve gotten to the end of this column then a winner is me! Andrew Johnson will be back next week. Hopefully I kept his seat warm enough in the meantime.