Hey kiddos, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown. We’ve got a lot to go over this week, but before we get started I’d like to ask everyone to leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends because come on, please?

If you read that pathetic plea and are still here, thanks for sticking around.  In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.

RESULTS:

In-ring segment with Alberto Del Rio, Team Hell No, Big Show, Team Rhodes Scholars, & Booker T

Sheamus defeated Wade Barrett

Natalya defeated Rosa Mendes

CM Punk, Paul Heyman, & The Rock in-ring segment

Randy Orton defeated Drew McIntyre

The Miz defeated Darren Young

Alberto Del Rio & Team Hell No vs. Big Show & Team Rhodes Scholars in 6 Man Elimination Tag, Del Rio was sole survivor

---

Anyway, here’s the stuff I didn’t like so much.

All images courtesy of WWE.com

Natalya vs. Rosa Mendes

Good lord, Vince McMahon really has it out for Natalya doesn’t he?

I don’t understand why Nattie is so hard to book. She’s a legit work-horse, smoking hot, and comes from a genuine wrestling dynasty. And yet all WWE creative can come up with for her is either “Great Khali valet” or “Diva that eats too many beans.”

I have Crohn’s disease, so I can at least sympathize with the second one even if I hate it with a passion. But I have to be honest, I’d rather be known as someone that nearly shit’s my pants while wrestling than be Khali’s human cane. Yeah she won a wrestling match, but she entered to Khali’s music. With Khali at her side. And Hornswoggle.

Seriously, I’d wear a diaper to the ring before I ever agreed to deal with that bullshit.

Randy Orton vs. Drew McIntyre

I was split on this match, because I enjoy watching Randy Orton close his eyes and enter the Avatar state before he pounds the mat and destroys everything around him. But, I found myself not enjoying it for a couple of reasons, the main one being I’m kind of over the 3MB. And it has nothing to do with the talent involved or the gimmick, but more about how it’s presented. I wrote a few weeks back about how I just wish 3MB would get off their shit and stop being walking parodies and actually try to be a group (or “band” if you will) who’s primary goal is winning wrestling matches instead of come up with musical analogies. Is it because The Shield exists? Can only 1 trio of Superstars be taken seriously at a time?

I’m not saying I want them to lose the gimmick, because that’s part of their charm. But, it shouldn’t be their entire focus. They got together because they were individually in gimmick hell. They got together and I erupted with joy because they were taking it upon themselves to make their careers less shitty by joining forces. Then they put on black leather pants and coordinated their entrances and Drew McIntyre got a cowboy hat.

Guess when I started to feel doubt.

The Miz vs. Darren Young

STOP RUINING THE FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK, MIZ. If some shitty amateur in an armory can lock it on than you’d think professionally paid WWE Superstar who wrestles on a national television program The Miz could figure (four) it out.

It’s seriously not that hard. I used to do it to my little brother all the time, and it looked better than this. I was seven. What the f**k is your excuse?

Team Hell No

I’m totally torn on Team Hell No at the moment. If you read the Royal Rumble preview than you probably think I want their team to end in favor of a Daniel/Kane blow up at Mania, and while that has the prospect to be cool, it’s not really what’s in my heart of hearts. Deep down, I love these guys together, and as the Rumble approaches it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that this silly team that’s all about hugs and mayhem is probably coming to an end soon. Kane and Daniel are legit adorable together, and while it’s true that they’ve milked this anger management cow till there was dust shooting out of its tits, I still think their unit still has mileage.

Aren’t they at the point where they’re just friends now? Do they need anger management, let alone a couple of really ugly title belts to keep their relationship together? I’m not saying I want them to be a team for the rest of their careers, but I don’t really see a need for them to start a feud that will end in carnage. Remember when Booker T and Goldust became bros, then eventual tag team partners, then eventual tag team champions, then just stayed friends? Even last year on Smackdown during the Booker T/Cody Rhodes feud Goldie showed up to side with his longtime wrestling bro against his legit IRL brother. It was nice to see that even through all of their ups and downs (like Black Reign, because Jesus Christ) they managed to maintain an on-air relationship beyond Goldust’s “Stuttering John” sympathy pairing.

Just let Daniel and Kane be friends, WWE. Just because every tag team so far has ended in a blood bath or Hawk falling off a Titantron, that doesn’t mean they all have to.

Before I move on I need to point out a few other things:

- I love the alternating “YES” and “NO” chants the audience was doing. I really hope that wasn’t piped in by WWE production, but instead by smart fans that have realized “What?” is dumb as f**k and are trying to bring something else to life.

- I’m kind of sad they’re using Damien Sandow’s music instead of Cody Rhodes’ for Team Rhodes Scholars theme, because “Smoke and Mirrors” is tight.

Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus

Why can’t Barrett figure out what to do with his jacket? This is a brief summary of what I said out loud during Barrett’s entrance:

Are his arms in the jacket sleeves? Why isn’t he throwing the jacket off when he raises his arms It looked so f**king cool when he did that. Hey Wade please don’t wear it down and take it off on the ramp and toss it down with fervor like some sort of asshole-- OH COME ON what the hell? What did I just say?

Aside from what my friends and family are now dubbing “The Jacket Incident” this match was fine. It wasn’t the best Sheamus/Barrett match we’ve ever seen, but it was solid where it counts even though it ended predictably. Sheamus needed some fire to take into the Rumble with him, and even though I hate it when champions lose in non-title matches to guys they shouldn’t be losing to, Wade and Sheamus have enough back-and-forth history that I’m willing to let it slide.

But seriously Wade, just toss the jacket off during your stage taunt. I don’t want to have that conversation with my TV again.

CM Punk and (Surprisingly) The Rock

I… I can’t believe I typed that.

Before I get into the meat of this segment, I have to give credit where credit is due. WWE production team? You guys are f**king assholes. I know you have commercials you need to air, but why in the hell did you put a commercial break right when the Rock walks out, only to come back with him posing on the turnbuckle? I don’t really mind fast-forwarding the gloat fest but be more obvious that your show is taped. The Rock’s entrance isn’t long enough to satiate 4 minutes of commercials about SyFy’s show “Merlin”. If it was Undertaker I might by your theory. It’s all about time management, which I know is a foreign phrase to people (see every WrestleMania since 1994 for example). Your job is to pump in crowd reactions and cut between commercials, have some pride in your f**king work.

Anyway where was I?

Oh… yes.

But wait, another thing real quick; how great was it when Paul Heyman hid in the corner of the ring when The Shield surrounded them, clutching the WWE title as if were his purse? It was adorable, and really sold the situation well. I know this is just restating the obvious at this point, but Paul Heyman + anything = wonderful.

Yeah, I know. I’m stalling.

CM Punk was expectedly great in his role. His feigned dismissal of The Shield and his ranting and raving about being the best in the world had a point, and it was to build up for The Rock to come out and call him a fag and say he was going to beat him because he’s the asshole that eats pussy pie and somehow that makes him a good wrestler or something. I fully expected to be doing air wanks the entire segment and typing “Rock Is An Asshole: Chapter 50” in this article.

But that’s not what happened.

The Rock spoke with passion. He had fire in his eyes. He didn’t mention Paul Heyman’s tits. He didn’t call any females a bitch because they were doing their jobs. He wasn’t there to play on his guitar and talk about cunnigulus. He looked genuinely pissed off when he was calling CM Punk on his bullshit, and made it clear with his stance and tone that he had enough. When Rock said to Punk “at the Rumble you’re going to panic, and you’re going to crack” I actually felt chills. That’s not something a Rock promo has ever done to me. He was speaking with purpose and sincerity, and it was great.

I know Rock’s appeal to the majority is how he’s “electrifying” and makes crude middle school jokes because the majority of fans never got past that mindset and they really like making fun of people for their physical traits. The majority of wrestling fans are either actually in high school or eternally stuck in it in their hearts and minds, and high school where cruel = cool and The Rock is the dick in the letterman’s jacket. I get it. But how much better is he when he’s not calling people names to “be entertaining” and is just laying out the facts with laser sharp precision? How awesome was it to see Rock just cut through the bullshit and speak like a normal (well, as normal as a guy named “The Rock” who speaks in third person can be) angry dude? That’s The Rock that I want to see, and that’s The Rock that has actually made me excited for this match.

I don’t know if it was a combination of Punk making me want to see him get hurt due to his arrogance, or Rock’s furious sincerity, but this was gold. Solid gold.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink a bottle of whiskey and work through some of these new weird feelings I’m having.

The Main Event

Oh yeah, before I forget, this happened. And it was good. It was fun even though there were too many count outs to save face and a Team Rhodes Scholars were the only guys that got eliminated with their shoulders on the mats. But I like elimination tag matches, and I really liked how it ended.

Del Rio is so naturally charming that he’s taken to this new role seamlessly, so watching Big Show beat the ever living f**k out of him and bury him under a table was very effective. Show was scary here. Legit scary. I don’t know why counting in Spanish made it all the more terrifying, but Big Show looked like he was ready to wrap up Ricardo in a taco shell and eat him for dinner.

Only criticism: Big Show, we know that table is made of wood. It's not that hard to move. You don't need to look like you're about to poop yourself to sell that it's heavy. Just toss it over like you would a blanket, you're a giant for God's sake.

Anyway, where’s the whiskey bottle…

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