Hey kiddos, welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown. First off, if you want to read my Elimination Chamber predictions (as well as John and Christian's) go here.
Secondly I’ve started expanding my Internet writing credentials and started blogging about old Nickelodeon shows because I’m really good at this adulthood thing. If that’s your bag, check it out here.
Also please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends because it would be really nice of you to help me get more readers which will justify this whole “writing about wrestling for free” thing.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
In-ring segment with Chris Jericho, Big Show, & Booker T
Mark Henry defeated Randy Orton by DQ
Tamina Snuka defeated Layla
The Rock in-ring promo
Brodus Clay & Tensai defeated 3MB
The Miz defeated Cody Rhodes
Jack Swagger defeated Zack Ryder
The Big Show defeated Chris Jericho
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
The Opening Segment
I’ve been pretty high on Big Show ever since he stopped smiling and waving and started punching without mercy or remorse, but if I’m being totally honest I didn’t like this. Show is at his best when he’s being sincere and has a point, but this was just classic “bad guy” exposition. We know you want to hurt Del Rio, Show. You’ve been talking about it and throwing bombs at him for months. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it was definitely more than what I got.
It was also a waste of a Jeri-Show reunion. This was it in a nutshell:
Jericho- Show, I’ve known you for a long time and I know when you’re mad.
Show- Chris, if you know me so well than you know I’m mad!
Jericho- I know you’re mad, and that’s why I’m here to tell you you’re mad, also if we both win our matches on Sunday and Ziggler doesn’t cash in his contract between now and next month than I might possibly beat you at WrestleMania maybe!
Show- If we wrestle at WrestleMania I’m going to be mad and angry and I’m going to murder you.
Booker T- WHY DON’T WE DO DAT TOO-NIGHT, NOW CAN YOU DIG DAT SUCKAS?!?!
That was it. It was a goddamn waste. They had a chance to actually do something cool and dip into Show and Jericho’s shared history and what did they come up with? “I know you well enough to know when you’re mad.” Well no shit, Sherlock, he just said he was mad for five goddamn minutes. Even if they didn’t want to get too heavy into continuity, they could have at least gotten weird with it. If I were writing Smackdown this is how that conversation would have gone:
Jericho- Show, I’ve known you for a long time and I know when you’re mad.
Show- Chris, if you know me so well than you know I’m mad!
Jericho- Hey, calm down, you seemed agitated; I just came here to talk.
Show- Yeah, well I’d prefer to spout of random for instance scenarios that end with me kicking the shit out of you, because, as I previously stated, I am MAD.
Jericho- Yeah well you’re a big fat asshole, and you’re probably going to die early from cardiac arrest and no one will go to your funeral because you were a dick to everyone.
Jericho- (Drops mic, crotch chop, bails).
Booker T- (Says nothing because he is dead).
I think it goes without saying that I will never write for Smackdown. However, Big Show did pretty much sum up my feelings for Booker T in one glorious moment:
Thanks to Casey aka THESTINGER of With Leather fame for this GIF. You guys should follow him on Twitter and be friends with him and stuff.
The Rock Is Doing It Again
You just can’t let me be nice to you, can you Dwayne?
A few weeks ago I sucked up my pride and gave The Rock a glowing review of his pre-Rumble promo with Punk. What can I say, the dude brought his A game and he earned it. He was to the point, sincere, and didn’t resort to nonsensical name calling. He brought the rage, and it landed perfectly.
I don’t know why I expected it to be like that again. The Rock isn’t capable of wowing me more than once every 10 years, so I guess I shouldn’t have been so disappointed. Here are a few of his talking points that really rubbed me the wrong way:
1) “I’ve waited 10 years to win that belt back…” – No you haven’t. You’ve been making movies and millions of dollars and getting laid by girls trying to get into modeling for 10 years. You spent a good chunk of that time trying to distance yourself from the business that made you. If you said “I’ve been waiting the past year, two years tops, to win that belt back…” I’d probably say yeah, okay. But don’t shit in my bowl and tell me its pudding.
2) “CM Punk, you’re just a spoiled child…” – False. CM Punk is a jaded and disgruntled human being that has every right to be pissed that the box office movie star has once again walked into his yard and started moving shit around. If anything the opposite is true, because I think he’s been pretty patient with your terrible ass steam rolling him out of the limelight just so you can face John Cena again and provide me with an opportunity at WrestleMania to go buy a t-shirt or eat a pretzel.
I know I might be asking a lot for a guy named THE ROCK who speaks in third person to try and talk like a normal human being that isn’t always “on” but I like to think there’s a small part of him that hates himself, and is struggling to get out.
Also, I’m kind of pissed that they haven’t even picked up the ball on this belt stealing opportunity. Instead of being all pissy that Punk took Cena’s oversized belt-buckle away Rock should have just said “Whatever, here’s my belt, and it has a f**king bull on it” and started carrying that around. It wouldn’t be much better, but at least it would be a step in the direction of WWE acknowledging their belt design is old and ugly and needs to be thrown into the river with all the other trash.
The Miz vs Cody Rhodes
Please stop making me hate you Miz. I don’t want to hate you. I’m pretty sure I was the only person that openly admitted to liking you when you wore a t-shirt with a baby chicken on it. You’ve been my boy, and it pains me to watch you now and say “Oh, f**k that guy” and boo you until I’m hoarse. But, when you fail to convincingly and consistently sell the shoulder injury you sustained from awesome violence AND make Cody Rhodes tap out to your awkward ass Figure Four you’re not making it easy for me.
Also, please stop doing the Figure Four. You’re bad at it.
Mark Henry vs Randy Orton
A lot of people on the Internet like to dog Mark Henry for his wrestling ability, but I disagree completely. If you watch him with the right perspective, he’s a complete joy. The only way I can explain his style is that of Chomper from Mario 64.
You know, this cat:
For the most part, he’s a slow moving ball with teeth that Mario can literally run circles around, but if you’re not careful he’ll jump out and drop your ass. That’s what wrestling Mark Henry is like. Orton is faster and can maneuver around him well enough that if he keeps his head on a swivel he can get the star locked behind the cage, but his problem is that Henry is quick where it counts and has the power to f**k up his day. So if you look at a Mark Henry match like a really obscure version of Mario 64, than it’s delightful.
As for the finish I don’t know what their intent was here. I guess it could mean one of two things. The first being that they were just trying to get over Henry’s seemingly unbreakable hide by smashing a chair against it only for him to get up and wreck shop. The other is that it was another seed towards the eventual Orton heel turn, because that’s heel behavior. Which is fine and all, because Orton is stale as hell right now and needs to go back to being a legit lunatic that will stop a match dead with chair violence if he gets frustrated enough.
BTW I was going to try to link this whole segment back to my old theory that Orton has Asperger’s and is just reacting to things based on an algorithm in his head (aka the “voices”) instead of emotion, but I thought the Mario stuff was better. I think I made the right choice.
Tamina Snuka vs Layla
The only good thing about this match was when Tamina pulled out the apron and used it as a slingshot to snap Layla’s little frame against the side of the ring. That was tight as hell, and it pulled me out of my daze long enough to get me through the rest of the match.
I don’t know what caused WWE to suddenly remember they have a Divas division again, but rushing a title match on a PPV for the hell of it doesn’t really seem like the way to go. They have like 8 hours of television every week; you don’t think they could squeeze in a few minutes here and there to build a feud? I’m not even asking for much. Just have Kaitlyn call Tamina’s Bat’leth a “weird looking sword” which pisses Tamina off to the point of blood lust and claiming Kaitlyn has no honor. Something. Not just “Hey, you’re here, lets fight.”
And before you ask, no I’m not going to let go of this “Tamina is a sexy Klingon lady” thing.
The Tag Team Aftermath
I couldn’t give two shits about the Dancing Fats vs the formerly awesome thing known as 3MB, but I legit LOVED when The Shield’s music hit and everyone got real serious. Brodus and Tensai rushed the girls out of the ring. That’s the great thing about The Shield; they make everything go up to 11 with just their presence. I went from not giving a shit to standing up and going “YES” when they hit the ring. It was magical.
While the promo wasn’t anything special, (It definitely wasn’t Ambrose’s best effort) it was nice to see them escape from the format and just let Dean cut through the bullshit and do the talking for them. I don’t understand why he just can’t be the mouthpiece while Reigns could stand there and look intimidating as all f**k and Rollins can mug Halpert faces for the camera all the time. It seems to work better than letting Seth spaz out like a freshman at a pep rally while Ambrose and Reigns make “how did we get stuck with this asshole” faces.
Jack Swagger vs Zack Ryder
Jacob Lindsey and I were talking about the reemergence of “Dirty” Dutch Mantell as Jack Swagger’s racist family friend, and Jacob mentioned that he liked the idea that while Swagger was taking time off he was being indoctrinated by a xenophobic psychopath. I of course agree with him because it gives Swagger a depth that hasn’t really been explored before in WWE, at least not in recent years. It’s kind of bold on WWE’s part to take a firm stance by making their anti-immigration characters out as villains, considering a strong majority of their audience are racist ass white people. If anything it’ll be interesting to see how people react to these promos when they tour the Deep South. I bet they’d throw Zeb a parade.
But, if you pay attention there are hints that Zeb’s crusade only starts with foreigners. WWE has a lot of things to play with here, and they could take this in any number of directions. For example, after Swagger beat the ever living piss out of Zack Ryder Zeb claimed that Long Island Iced Z wasn’t a true American because he prefers to tan his body and work on his hair. Those of you who don’t have old racist family members might not know this, but that’s bigot code for f*ggot. If I’m right than WWE is subtly hinting at the fact that Zeb thinks gays are bad. Which of course he does, because Jesus Christ just look at him. He looks like he’s about to write a manifesto about how gays are killing our culture and the "Kenyan" in office wants to take his guns away.
BTW I know Zack Ryder isn’t really gay, but let’s be honest he’s probably the closest WWE’s going to get at this point. Which is terrible, because the gay community deserves someone better to represent them in the WWE than Zack f**king Ryder.
The Main Event
Big Show isn’t the kind of guy isn’t always going to have a good match. It’s just fact. The big guy style doesn’t always gel with everyone, so sometimes a Big Show match can be a tad grating to watch and extremely slow moving. Luckily for Show, Jericho can have a good match with anybody, and that’s exactly what happened here. Jericho brings out the best in his opponents by playing to their strengths, which in Big Show’s case is high impact power moves doled out slowly while his opponent throws everything he has at him.
It also helps that Jericho’s offense is consistently solid. The guy is very convincing when it comes to throwing his body at Show in a way that looks like it’s doing some damage. The only real complaint I have was the finish. When Jericho was tearing his back muscles trying to get Show over for the Walls, I was for sure Show was going to reach up and knock his f**king teeth in right there. But instead they just got up and Jericho got rolled anyway. Why can’t you accurately predict my preferred finishes WWE?
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got this week. Let us know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading, and see you next week.
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot