Hey kiddos, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown. First off, before we get started with wrestling and such, I started writing a series of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” recaps at my new blog Blogelodeon (I’m bad at naming things) which you can find here. Please check it out and leave comments and make shares and such, because that would be really cool of you.
Also please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends for this article too, because it would be really nice of you to help me get more readers which will justify this whole “writing about wrestling for free” thing.
Also on a quick side note, I’m going to be at WrestleMania this year and am currently setting up my weekend plans. So if you want to say hi and let me get a mark photo with you (because I’m more interested in meeting people that like my writing than I am spending $20 for a photo with f**king Tugboat) or just want to get a pretzel during the main-event entrances, let me know.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
In-ring segment with Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton & Booker T
Sheamus defeated Damien Sandow
Kaitlyn & Layla defeated Tamina Snuka & Aksana
Jack Swagger defeated Randy Orton
The Miz defeated Cody Rhodes
Alberto Del Rio defeated Wade Barrett
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
The Opening Segment
I was torn on giving this a Smacked Down for one reason: Alberto Del Rio. His portion of the promo was solid, albeit a little “by-the-book” when it comes to anti-racism arguments. All over America every day there are racist ass xenophobes that blame the downfall of America on foreigners coming to take the jobs of hardworking national types, and every argument to that begins with “But this nation was founded on immigrants!” This is true, if you want to ignore the downright theft from the actual natives. But whatever, this is a short promo on a wrestling show, and I don’t expect Del Rio to get into the Trail of Tears. I guess I just didn’t really expect to hear the same type of retort that a high school kid working on a term paper would come up with.
However, that stuff is forgivable because Del Rio is charming enough to make the material work, but then things took a turn with the inclusion of Randall Orton, who is just doing his damndest to make me not like him anymore. To be fair it’s not completely his fault, because he doesn’t really have a North Star right now. He’s just wandering around the arena waiting for the writers (aka the “voices”) to tell him what to do, and most of the time they give him bad direction.
I don’t really know what WWE’s plans are for Orton at Mania, but at this point I’m just kind of hoping they give him a map and tell him to find the long lost treasure of Captain Lou. Then he could recruit a group of misfit wrestlers (like Zack Ryder and Yoshi Tatsu, because he needs a Mouth and a Data) and they can spend the entirety of WrestleMania shooting vignettes of them running through sewers and battling mob bosses.
I know, it’s just the plot of The Goonies, but honestly do you have a better idea for Orton at Mania?
I didn’t think so.
The Miz vs Cody Rhodes
Hey, it’s me again. I don’t think you took last week’s letter I wrote seriously, so just in case you’re the type that needs things repeated over and over until it sinks in, I’m going to make a few requests.
1) Learn to properly sell your shoulder injury. You can’t pick someone up with zero effort, then grab your should and make “Oh it stings!” faces after you raise it up for a taunt. This is day 1 wrestling school stuff.
2) Stop making Cody Rhodes tap out to your awkward ass figure four that you obviously have to think about before slapping it on. When Flair delayed the Figure Four he did it with a taunt. You’re just staring at your opponents legs and thinking “Okay do I lead with my left or right? Which way do I pivot? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” It doesn’t look good. In fact, just stop doing the Figure Four altogether.
Thanks a bunch.
OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE STILL DEDICATING 30 MINUTES OF SMACKDOWN TO A SHOW THAT HAS 3 HOURS… you know what? No, I can’t keep complaining about this. I’m done. I’ll see you guys here next week for “Raw Part 2: Featuring Smackdown, Maybe!”
Sheamus vs Damien Sandow
This wasn’t the best outing for these two, but this match was alright. Sheamus is a very giving wrestler that knows how to make his opponent seem like a badass, but still can win matches convincingly because he’s just a better fighter than they are. One of my favorite things about Sheamus is his ability to take an opponent’s maximum amount of punishment and still stand there half dead asking for more. He’s not like Cena who Super Saiyans up to power levels that are beyond our comprehension. He’s more like a beat up inflatable punching clown toy. He looks like shit and every time you hit him you think he’s going to stay down, but then he pops right up with a defiant “f**k you” look and asks for more.
Pretty much every time I watch wrestling at this point I’m wondering what the WrestleMania undercard is going to look like, and I’ll be honest I have no idea at this point. I thought for a long time Sheamus vs Orton was going to be the World Title Match, but that doesn’t appear to be happening, thank God. So right now Sheamus is also in WrestleMania limbo, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. If anything he can come out 18-seconds into the Kane/Bryan match and f**k up my universe all over again.
I don’t think any of you realize how much a Cody/Kaitlyn pairing would fill my heart. When they showed their interaction backstage I no joke clapped my hands with joy. Cody is my favorite thing about wrestling right now, and I’ve had a little crush on Kaitlyn ever since she wrote that article for a fitness blog where she talked about sitting next to some gross dude on a plane. What can I say; I’ve got a thing for sexy thighs that are attached to a person that is freaking cool as hell.
Anyway, if you’re the type of person that pays attention to things like I am, you had to know an interaction between these two was inevitable. Kaitlyn has a well-documented love for mustaches, and Cody Rhodes has… well… a mustache. It’s serendipity, really.
Also, the Divas tag match happened and it wasn’t bad. There was even some story development between Layla and Kaitlyn, setting up a possible WrestleMania encounter between them. Yaay, things are happening!
Jack Swagger vs Randy Orton
Okay, before we get into the meat and potatoes of the actual match itself, you should probably know that I originally just planned to write MOVING ON under anything that had to do with Jack Swagger. His arrest on Wednesday sent me into a full on Dennis Reynolds “IDIOTS, IDIOTS, SAVAGES, IDIOTS” type rage, and I would have given up on this completely if not for the timely intervention of Casey aka THESTINGER and his words of rationality.
Basically Casey pointed out that WWE are still updating Zeb’s YouTube page and still pushing the Glen Beck thing on Monday, so chances are the WrestleMania program is safe for the time being, and they can just do an Awesome-Truth thing and suspend his ass after the PPV is over. He also pointed out that Swagger was all over the Saturday morning show, so if they were going to try and erase him from our recent memories that would be a weird thing to do. Which when you think about it is pretty much the way to go at this point. I still think Swagger deserves to be punished for driving under the influence (IDIOTS, IDIOTS, SAVAGES, IDIOTS) but I can wait until mid-April for him to get his comeuppance.
Anyway, the match itself was pretty great. Orton was wrestling with aggression (which is a nice way for me to say that he actually gave a shit) and was clearly the guy that wanted it more, but Swagger and Zeb simply outsmarted him. I like it when the heel doesn’t always have to cheat with weapons or holding the tights. Sometimes the bad guy is just the superior machine, and in this case no amount of wanting it was going to get Orton the W.
Also, Swaggers new music? TIGHT AS HELL. I can’t wait to hear a remix version of it when he makes his TNA debut in September.
Alberto Del Rio vs Wade Barrett
Okay WWE, no matter what you do with Swagger, please please please PLEASE keep Zeb around. The guy is a heat magnet. He’s the first person to actually make me feel sympathy for Wade Barrett, which is huge because Barrett is a dick. I love that Zeb is so staunch in his xenophobia that he’s not even willing to patronize the other foreign villains in the locker room. Wade Barrett is a guy that could hurt Zeb, because he doesn’t have the moral alignment to just turn the other cheek. He’ll hit him, and hit him hard, but Zeb Colture don’t give a shit. That’s amazing.
The match itself was wonderful. Barrett is very good at selling Del Rio’s offense, and Del Rio in turn is really good at dishing it out convincingly. They have great chemistry together, and I wouldn’t object to a program between them down the road. The only beef I have with this match is that it was “Champion vs Champion” which is a thing I hate because someone is going to come out looking like an asshole, and it ain’t going to be Del Rio. I don’t understand why Barrett is still the Intercontinental Champion. When was the last time he won a match? December? Jesus buddy I don’t want to be one of those guys, but get your shit together. You don’t want to become the 2013 version of 2012 Jack Swagger. You’re already got 1 mugshot Wade, you don’t need another.
Anyway, that’s it for now. Articles tend to be shorter when the majority of the show is recap videos of The Rock showing off his new class ring. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week.
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