Hey kiddos, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown. First off, I’m sorry about missing last week. I don’t get paid for this and life happens ya know? Anyway, before we get started with wrestling and such, could you click here and check out my side project Blogelodeon where I write about kids shows? I do this because I’m a grown up.

Also please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends for this article too, because it would be really nice of you to help me get more readers which will justify this whole “writing about wrestling for free” thing.

In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.

~~RESULTS~~

Randy Orton & Sheamus defeated Team Rhodes Scholars

Sheamus, Randy Orton, Big Show & Ryback backstage segment

Kaitlyn & Layla defeated Akasana & Tamina Snuka

Bella Twins & Funkadactyls backstage segment

Dolph Ziggler defeated Kane

Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez vignette

Another stupid Fandango thing

Sheamus Randy Orton, & The Shield backstage segment

Ryback defeated Mark Henry by DQ

Jack Swagger defeated Chris Jericho

~~~~

Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.

(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com

Randy Orton and Sheamus vs. Team Rhodes Scholars

One of WWE’s biggest problems (among many, many other things) is they currently have way too many dudes they feel the need to protect on a constant basis. I can understand why they think they need to do this, because they’re short-sighted and have the patience of Jerry Jones. The problem however is that this makes things easily predictable and boring. The second I saw that Orton and Sheamus were on a team, I immediately thought “Welp, they’re winning” and proceeded to go back to rearranging my graphic novel shelves (they’re in order of continuity now!).

It sucks, because I want to care about this stuff. I want to watch wrestling matches with important characters that have the possibility of unexpectedness. And it’s not like losing would hurt them all that much. Orton and Sheamus are two guys with a bond thinner than floss. Team Rhodes Scholars are best friends; don’t you think their chemistry as a team would be an advantage?  If Rhodes Scholars had won, I would’ve felt like I missed something when I was trying to remember if Kraven’s Last Hunt takes place before or after Mutant Massacre. But instead what we got was the same old; legit team gets trounced by the two main eventers with nothing better to do, rinse and repeat.

The assumed reason the main event guys beat my favorite wrestler and his bearded friend was to make them look strong in victory to setup this WrestleMania challenge from The Shield, which is fine because it was pretty much a foregone conclusion it was going to happen anyway. I just hope that after WrestleMania this is the end of The Shield as we know it. I like all three guys separately for different reasons, but those talking head promos they do are hot garbage. Have you ever watched old home videos of yourself when you were a kid, and you were clowning for the camera and being generally obnoxious as children are oft to do, and you feel super embarrassed about it? That’s how I feel for The Shield when I watch these promos. I have a feeling 5 years from now one of these guys is going to be bragging about his accomplishments and someone’s going to put on one of these old videos and they’re going to be like “Wow, I used to be a real piece of shit.”

They Have No Idea What They’re Doing

It’s obvious isn’t it? WWE is often throwing darts during WrestleMania season, but this year they really seem unprepared when it comes to the undercard. I’m sure it’s going to end up with Orton and Sheamus asking Show to join them after Ryback leaves the team to regain his honor from Mark Henry, but the whole thing seems rushed and unnecessary. I thought Show explained it pretty well; they need a big dude that’s going to wreck shop, and he’s totally down to do those things. This segment should’ve ended with Orton and Sheamus saying “Yeah okay that makes sense” and Ryback throwing in with Mark Henry, that way we could avoid the next few weeks of will-they-won’t-they waste of time nonsense.

Whatever, it’s not like I’m totally invested in being properly entertained at WrestleMania or anything, it’s just several hundred dollars you assholes.

Brad Maddox On Commentary

I just need to throw this in; why the hell is Brad Maddox on commentary? Were they looking for the most awkward human being alive to do the color commentary on their nationally televised program? Was Mike Adamle busy? Seriously, the dude is a stammering awkward mess. It’s like listening to George Michael Bluth talk about wrestling.

Jesus I don’t want to be that guy WWE, but him?

Kaitlyn and Layla vs. Aksana and Tamina Snuka

They are three weeks away from WrestleMania, and this feud has yet to move out of the starting gate. I guess when all the important people are on RAW part-time, it’s a real bitch to dedicate a few moments of brain power to figuring out what to do with all these other people that make up your program, including most of your champions.

Whatever, the Divas Title match will probably end up during the pre-show and somehow it’ll turn into a battle royal which will inevitably be won by The Great Khali, since those things tend to happen.

Fandango

At the expense of sounding like a crass, uninformed, meat headed wrestling fan, I’m going to just type the words I kept repeating over and over in my head during this segment:

F**k off and die Fandango, and take Khali and that asshole Hornswoggle with you.

But tell your dancing lady friend she can stick around. Hey girl, how you doin'? ;-)

The Bella Twins

First off, I need to mention that I am not in favor of the term “Hoochie Mama.” I guarantee on Monday when they discuss this whole Bella beat down Jerry Lawler will giggle to himself and call Naomi and Cameron hoochies about a dozen times, because he’s a man-child and is only slightly less out of touch with today’s terminology then the guy who approved it on the script.

That being said, I was actually okay with this. I know the rumored match-up right now is Team Funk to take on the Bellas and Team Rhodes Scholars at WrestleMania, and while that’s not exactly what I was hoping for when it comes to Cody Rhodes at the biggest show of the year, it’s probably the best I’m going to get at the moment. So fine, whatever, have your inter-gender match. But if this somehow ends with Snooki popping out from under the ring and flattening Cody Rhodes with her version of the Earthquake Splash I’m going to be pissed.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane

Another rumored match at Mania is Team Hell No defending their titles against Team Zig E Lee, which I’m cool with. Ziggler and Bryan are both nuts in the ring together, and this match proved that Ziggler even has good chemistry with Kane. Throw in a few Big E power moves and some conveniently placed AJ in shorts camera shots and I can’t see this being a negative in the least.

I think one of my favorite things about Big E is his absolutely disinterest in dressing like a normal person. Sure this is wrestling and people walk around in pretty much their underwear all the time, but Big E’s tights somehow seem even more revealing than the dudes wearing speedos. I feel like I’m looking at him with x-ray vision, and it’s kind of unsettling. But to his credit, he gives absolutely zero f**ks. The guy will shame you with his rage while dressed like that and not give two shits. That’s real power.

Alberto Del Swagger and Zeb Rodriguez

I’m sure a lot of you were expecting me to hate this, because generally WWE’s idea of what’s funny is on a completely different planet than mine, but I thought it was fine. It was silly enough to be endearing, and it’s really hard to dislike Ricardo in any form, especially when he’s wearing a fake beard and tubby gut. It’s like they knew they were saddled with this bullshit segment and they were making the best out of it. Del Rio’s charm came through as it usually does, and like I said Ricardo is so goddamn adorable he’s impossible to hate.

I don’t know, maybe I’m starting to crack and this is the first sign. If you see me at WrestleMania doing anything during the Triple H/Lesnar match doing anything other than sitting with my chin on my fist as I update Twitter (“MMA match? More like MMLAME match”-future tweet) then you’ll know I’ve fallen over the edge of reason and am probably not coming back.

That Spear Was Sick

As much shit as I given The Shield for their promos (seriously they’re hot stinking garbage) they are great when it comes to unhinged violence. When Reigns signaled his arrival with his bellowing roar and plowed Sheamus into the black abyss, I jumped out of my seat and gave an emphatic Bill & Ted “WHOA.” He very well could have speared him onto a comfy pillow, but the presentation and execution made it look like Reigns transported Sheamus into a black void of PAIN. It was nasty as hell. I wish I could create a GIF of it and play it on the inside of my eyelids for all eternity.

Keep doing this Roman, and you’ll look like a star. Don’t grab handheld cameras and recite your name like you’re reading it on a name tag, or you’ll look like a dipshit.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry

OH MAN THIS WAS AWESOME.

First off you need to understand that I’m genuinely pulling for Ryback vs. Mark Henry. I love HOSS FIGHTS and right now in WWE Ryback and Mark Henry are the hossiest of the hosses. Having these two behemoths run into each other and hit moves so hard that every car alarm in the parking lot goes off would be like a dream come true. I love Mark Henry as much as I dislike Ryback, so naturally watching The Shield prep Ryback for Henry to destroy him with power slams while shouting insults was a beautiful way to get me ready for the main event. It was like Christmas, only minus the Christian overtones and all of the angry relatives that look like they want to hurt me.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Jericho

I think what I liked the most about the match was that they actually seemed to have a reason to throw down. Jericho is IRL a dual Canadian/American citizen because his Canadian parents had him while they were living in New York. Because he has an unconventional natural history, it’s easy for zealots to grasp onto one part of his birth story and drive that point home. They’re wrong as hell, but you can see why a guy like Jericho would dislike a pair of xenophobes.

And the match they had was pretty good. It wasn’t a classic by any standards, but it was fun, it was good wrestling, and it made sense so I’m not going to complain.

Anyway, that’s it for me. What did you think? Did you hate something I loved or vice/versa? Let us know in the comments. Or don’t, do whatever, it’s not like I’m your boss.

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