Hey friends, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown. Sorry about last week, but I was super sick and writing about wrestling doesn’t seem so important when your head is in buried in a bucket.
Anyway if you read this article and enjoy it, please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends for this article. It would be really nice of you to help me get more readers which will justify this whole “writing about wrestling for free” thing.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Fandango defeated Santino
Booker T, Teddy Long, & Big Show backstage segment
Kofi Kingston defeated Wade Barrett
Alberto Del Rio defeated Jack Swagger
The Great Khali, Hornswoggle, & Natalya defeated Primo, Epico, & Rosa Mendes
Big Show & Mark Henry defeated Randy Orton & Sheamus
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
What The Hell Is This Bullshit
Since the majority of you skip the intros I need to get this out of the way before we really get into it; this was not a good show. It wasn’t exactly bad in the traditional sense, where everything was super terrible but still topic worthy kind of stuff. When The Rock comes on Smackdown just to talk about making people lick his butthole, I at least have something interesting to bitch about. But for the most part this Smackdown was so unbelievably mundane it was hard for me to really even get to the point of dislike where I give a crap.
That brings us to Teddy Long and Booker T’s 9 month built storyline where Teddy is undermining Booker’s authority and making matches without his consent. I swear to God this has been going on for eternity. WWE is really bad at managing their time effectively (for instance, the fact that Cody Rhodes got bumped at WrestleMania in favor of 30 goddamn Rock/Cena video packages) and it’s super obvious on Smackdown. On a show that is crammed full of Raw recaps, they still find time to shoehorn in an innocuous feud between semi-retired WWE Hall Of Famer and former manager-general manager-referee- never wrestler-full time peanut head that cannot end with wrestling. Hey WWE, building up a feud that will not end with a wrestling match is another example of NOT USING YOUR TIME EFFECTIVELY.
I honestly don’t understand how Teddy Long is still employed. WWE fires good talent all the time, and yet this dork is still employed? How does that make sense? Does he hangout by creative and when they’re struggling to put four superstars (one of which is always Randy Orton) in a match together but can’t decide how, and he is the only one quick enough to suggest “Tag team match, playa?” while everyone around him looks on bewildered and shouts “BRILLIANT”?
Oh God it is, isn’t it?
Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett
I don’t understand WWE’s fascination with Kofi Kingston. He is the perennial transition guy, the one they put the mid-card belts on just to keep them warm while they prepare a suitable champion. If he hasn’t held the US and IC titles a combined number of 1,000 times by now I’d be f**king shocked.
I assume the plan is for Kofi to carry the US title until Fandango is ready, but it’s just such a predictable move. Winning a title just to drop it to someone more interesting is such a Kofi Kingston thing to do, and there’s no one more Kofi Kingston than Kofi Kingston.
I also don’t understand what the hell they’re doing with Wade Barrett. Here’s what has happened to Wade Barrett over the past two weeks-
- Lost his Intercontinental Championship to The Miz at Wrestle-Pre-Mania.
- Won the title back with a display of sheer powerful dominance 1 night removed from said title loss.
- Loses to R-Truth (LOL).
- Retains his title against Justin Gabriel who won a battle royal match to get a chance to compete for the Intercontinental Championship.
- Lost to Kofi Kingston.
Intercontinental Champion? More like Inconsistent Champion. Huh? Huuuuuuh?
I don’t have to f**king impress you.
The 6 Person Inter-gender Tag
Fandango vs. Santino
Fandango is in a weird place right now. After the fans embraced his entrance music, WWE was in a position where they could capitalize huge on his sudden popularity. Even though he’s a brand new fresh out of the box heel, they could’ve started the face turn the moment they realized they had something. I’m not saying I want him to start hanging out with Sheamus and Randy Orton (tip: Nobody should hang out with Sheamus and Randy Orton) but it would have been nice to see something different. I like Johnny Curtis but I have never really been on the Fandango bandwagon, however I actually started to like him when he was rolling around on the mat in pain, and still felt like the most important thing to do at the moment was to scold Justin Roberts for saying his name incorrectly. I loved that. That’s the Fandango I want to see.
At the same time though, I don’t want to see a Fandango that resents and pushes away the fanfare. If people are singing your theme music, don’t give them a “You are doing this to mock me” bullshit line. This is the same thing that happened to Daniel Bryan after last year’s Raw After Mania, and while it worked out for him, Fandango isn’t Daniel Bryan. We cheered for Daniel because he’s a great wrestler, we love him, and we wanted to see him wrestle. People are singing Fandango’s theme because it’s ironic and catchy.
So yeah, watching Fandango give heel promos specifically directed at the fans was kind of the opposite of what I wanted to see, but it’s pretty predictable WWE. You don’t get to decide what you like, they get to decide for you, and if you show any sign of independent thinking they’ll punish you with more Great Khali/Hornswoggle tag team matches.
Anyway, I didn’t really mind Fandango feeling up and getting his pre-ejaculate all over Lillian Garcia because it actually led to something enjoyable, which was Santino somewhat coming to the defense of the sexy ring announcer. I actually like Santino when he’s used in the proper context. He’s goofy as hell, has surprisingly good comedic timing, and his style of wrestling meshes well with what Fandango brings to the table. The match itself was actually fun to watch, even though it ended with Fandango doing generic finisher #4 instead of that sweet ass top rope leg drop, but that’s more of a minor gripe than anything. On this Smackdown I’ll literally take any good moment I can get.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger
This was another match where I was like “This is fine” but didn’t really care about it. The Swagger/Del Rio feud didn’t really land the way it should have, and now they’re in this weird triple threat match at Extreme Rules with Dolph Ziggler’s World Title on the line. If they were going to have Ziggler cash-in anyway them I’m sorry, but the right move at Mania would have been to let Swagger with the title. Right now he’s kind of the odd man out. He lost at Mania, he lost the next night on Raw, and he lost again in this match. I know wins-losses aren’t supposed to matter, but when you’re already seen as a guy that’s pretty easy to beat, a big win here or there could really establish your credibility a bit more. Even a 1 day title reign would be better than being just the least important guy in a triple threat match.
Regardless though the match was solid, but like I said the wrong guy lost. So long relevant Jack Swagger! You were great until you got arrested for being a dipshit!
Big Show & Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton & Sheamus
Three hosses, two of whom I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART, and Randy Orton eating a pin in the main-event of Smackdown. If you didn’t assume that this was my favorite part of the show, than we clearly aren’t friends.
It’s weird because when this match was announced I was a little apprehensive. Sheamus and Orton’s bromance has been a huge negative in my viewing experience, mostly because they are assholes masquerading as heroes, so I kind of assumed this match would end with Big Show and Henry getting into a shoving match or something (cuz heels can’t be trusted or whatever) and the whole thing would end with Show’s face on Orton’s shoulder and Mark Henry with Sheamus’ boot in his face and Team Viper Dick picking up a win. Instead the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED and I was clapping and cheering and acting like a standard nerd.
I don’t know if this is going to lead to individual matches or (be still my heart) a Big Show/Mark Henry bromance built out of carnage, but I’m actually excited to see what happens next. I really hope this builds toward a HOSS FRIENDSHIP. The only way it could end better is if Big Show walked into the locker room next week, saw Henry eating a big old sandwich, and between the bread was a tiny little leg with a Miss Piggy tattoo on it.
So what did you think of Smackdown? Was it as terrible as I thought? Let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you all next week.
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