Hey friends, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown, and happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers that like wrestling and/or reading about it online. Since we have a lot to catch up on I’m just going to jump right into it, but if you read this article completely and enjoy it, please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends for this article because why not.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
The Hilight Reel with Chris Jericho & Ryback
Kofi Kingston defeated Cody Rhodes
Jack Swagger vs. Big E Langston went to a no contest
Dean Ambrose defeated Daniel Bryan by DQ
Mark Henry’s Truck Pull
Big Show defeated Sweet T
Kaitlyn, Natalya, AJ, & Great Khali backstage segment
Chris Jericho defeated Ryback by DQ
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
The Highlight Reel
I gotta say, it’s really nice not having to justify not liking Ryback anymore. When he first jumped on the scene I said “this is stupid” and everyone was like “Oh wait and see what happens.” So I waited and I still said “this is stupid” and it took a while, but it seems like the crowd is starting to feel the same indifference that I have since day uno. Ryback makes very little sense as a character, and when he’s in a position to be interviewed, he makes even less sense. For the first part of his career whenever anyone asked him anything, all he’d say is “FEED ME MORE.” Which I get is his catchphrase, but what talk show host wants to have a guy who has no affinity for words on his show designed for talking?
And God bless Jericho, because he really tried to make this thing work. Despite his whole Y2J shtick and going to the “These people” well way too many times, he was at least trying to be cordial and make this leather-jacket-off work. Every time Jericho was like “I see where you’re coming from and understand why you’re doing these things” Ryback was like “I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL, YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME” and Jericho more or less was like “WTF I didn’t say that at all, chill out.” Jericho would say one thing and Ryback would respond with bull-headed nonsense, and the whole thing would go back to square one.
Also, are we all just fine with Teddy Long being the match making guy again? What happened to Booker T? When the hell was the decision made that the assistant to the General Manager can make matches? Does that mean Brad Maddox can make wrestling matches without Vickie’s consent? If you plant Teddy Long will a NOW HOLE ON A MINNIT PLAYA tree grow? So many questions.
Big Show vs. Sweet T
I like HOSS FIGHTS as much as the next guy, but honestly this was a letdown. Tensai and Big Show both have shown me in the past that they are capable of great big bro matches, but this was just a slap/punch fest up until Big Show got bored and drilled Sweet T into dancing fat guy unconsciousness.
The whole thing felt like a jumbled fever dream. I watch the Big Show come out, then there was a commercial about pizza, then a fat guy with fake tattoos on his face started slap-punching another fat dude who’s fist turned to fire and murdered tattoo face, started attacking another fat guy who everyone said was a dinosaur, and then Randy Orton showed up, hit his finisher, and started posing while “Voices” played.
Tell me you haven’t had that same nightmare after a long night of whiskey and WWE ‘13.
The Great Khali: Master Of Disguise
First off, props to AJ for making the most out of a bad situation, and winning the bitch-off against Kaitlyn. I’m not a big fan of dogging on other people for their God given appearances because it’s cruel and I’m not 12, but if Kaitlyn is going to say AJ has the body of a teenage boy (she doesn’t) than I have no problem with AJ shooting back with “man arms” and calling her and Natalya “gentleman” even if it is stupid and wrong. God, I wish the Chickbusters would stop fighting. My heart can’t take it.
Meanwhile, 7 foot tall Great Khali thought he was tricking people into thinking he’s 5 foot nothing Rey Mysterio by wearing a mask and saying “BOOYAHKA 619—something Rey has never said—in order to track down Kaitlyn’s secret admirer (it’s Hornswoggle, it’s always Hornswoggle), then put on a fake mustache and thought he was Cody Rhodes.
Either The Great Khali has “Jack” syndrome (or under a “Big” enchantment if you want to be picky) and is actually a child in a grown man’s body, or Natalya is dating a retarded person.
Chris Jericho vs. Ryback
This… wasn’t a good fit.
Here’s the thing, Ryback is capable of having a good match with the right opponent. His match with Daniel Bryan last week is a good example. Ryback isn’t bad at what he does, he just needs a good opponent to work with.
Unfortunately for us all we’re at the point in Chris Jericho’s career where he isn’t that guy that can have a good match with anyone. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not bad. He can pull good matches out big dudes, but he can’t have a good match with anybody. This was just boring. Slow as all hell, and completely disengaging.
A lot of people have their own little rating systems when it comes to matches (stars mostly, because they’re drips) but mine is pretty simple. If during the match I start surfing the web during the match it was okay, but not bad. If I start playing games on my phone during the match, than it wasn’t good, but still held my interest enough to where I wanted to be half present. If I got up to take a shit during the match without actually having to take a shit, then you have this.
The most interesting thing that happened in this match was Josh Matthews obnoxiously trying to create the same connection between Cole and John Cena as JR had with Steve Austin, which is bullshit because he’s Michael Cole for f**ks sake. I know they’re best friends in real life, but seriously, who gives a damn?
By the way if you do give a damn, then go ahead and stop reading this blog now because chances are you and I aren’t going to agree on ANYTHING.
Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston
I know you’re probably expecting a lot of Cody Rhodes grandstanding and comments devaluing Kofi Kingston as the US Champion and how Cody is being underused and unappreciated, but I’m just going to say that this was a good match with a sweet finish (seriously, the Disaster Kick into Trouble In Paradise was quality) and just leave it at that.
I know you probably expect more, but me not popping a blood vessel over these kinds of things is supposed to be better for my overall health. Besides, I just spent a week in Dallas and Houston where a salad is just a steak with a garnish, so I’m going to try and give my blood pressure a break.
The Ladder's Day Massacre
I’m kind of disappoint that I didn’t get to see Big E throw down with Swagger, but I’m a fan of ringside chaos if it’s done in a way that flows and tells a story that the match probably wouldn’t have been able to. As cool as it would’ve been to see, Big E press slamming Swagger to display his awesome strength probably wouldn’t have done a lot for the Extreme Rules build, but this ladder nonsense sure did.
Here’s the problem with Dolph’s bumping; it was reported early this week that he was for real concussed during this brawl, but he’s so over-the-top that I can’t tell if it happened when Del Rio shot the rocket from his knee to his face or when he took a ladder to the temple. Both times he looked like he was dead, which is both great and kind of concerning. I wonder how long it took for the trainers in the back to figure out the Dolph was really hurt. Maybe when he started throwing up and talking backwards like he were in a David Lynch script, or perhaps they’re more professional than that. I just like the idea that Dolph is so good at bumping the officials have “boy that cried wolf” mentality when it comes to Ziggler’s brain injuries.
Dean Ambrose vs. Daniel Bryan
Here’s the thing; this was a good wrestling match, but it could have been better. Way better. If the same match happened, moves and all but substitute Bryan and Ambrose with Yoshi Tatsu and I guess Reigns I’d say this was fantastic. But I expect more from a Daniel Bryan match, and I’ve been internet-conditioned enough to expect more from Ambrose, a guy that has been verbally fellated by the dirt sheets for over 2 years but is still yet to do something on his own to impress me. Maybe I need to check my expectations when it comes to having 1/3 of the Shield doing anything, but I don’t think I need to change them for Daniel Bryan, who did a great job of making Ambrose look good and making me forget he’s been a goat-faced loser for the better part of a year.
That being said it was still good, even with the silly finish and the inclusion of Kofi to “even out the numbers game” a thing that Michael Cole can’t keep himself from busting a nut over. It really was, I just wanted something more. I guess I shouldn’t automatically expect “greatness” when it comes to a guy that has spent the majority of his career doing Heath Ledger/Joker impressions.
Mark Henry Is Awesome
I gotta say, these feats of strength have been a real treat to watch. Week in and week out were watching Mark Henry perform these amazing feats of strength, talk about things like honor and respect, and has enough friends that come out to cheer him on and encourage him as he does these miraculous things. He takes things seriously, drops fools, punishes those that deny respect, and breaks world records because that’s what he do. Realistically he should be the biggest babyface in the company.
But no, feel free to keep cheering for the big pale baby that makes bad jokes, cheap shots his opponents, and hangs out with his only friend Randy Orton, a guy who used to think it was cool to put his own shit in women’s purses. That really sounds like someone you should get behind.
Also, how great is it that Damien Sandow is not only outside hanging out to watch something as trivial and mundane as a truck pull, but doing so while in his robe? I swear to God if he were holding a brandy snifter and muttering “How droll” as he watched, I might’ve died of happiness.
Anyway, thanks for reading and happy expelling a living organism from your uterus day!
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