Hey friends, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown. I’ve been gone for a few weeks, but now I’m back! You know, until something better/more interesting comes along. If you read this article and enjoy it, please leave comments/click like/ tweet to all your friends for this article because why not.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Miz TV featuring The Miz, Fandango, & Wade Barrett
The Miz defeated Wade Barrett by DQ
Daniel Bryan defeated Jack Swagger
In-ring segment with Damien Sandow & Sheamus
Chris Jericho defeated The Big Show by count out
Curtis Axel defeated Sin Cara
Kofi Kingston defeated Dean Ambrose by DQ
The Shield defeated Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton, & Sheamus
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
I don’t think I say this enough, but there is nothing more terrible in WWE than Miz TV. Seriously, not The Rock (when he’s there), petulant meathead Sheamus, secret admirer storylines, Teddy Long… well maybe not worse than Teddy Long. But it’s bad. Really bad. And the reason it’s worse than most of all the other things I mentioned are somewhat beneficial, while Miz TV doesn’t even have the decency to help anyone. The Rock brings in money, Sheamus is garbage when he talks but gets his opponents over when he wrestles, and the secret admirer story gives some C list characters something to do. Miz TV just makes everyone look terrible, especially the guy who’s name is on the bottom left of the screen.
And the worst part is that it doesn’t have to be. Miz can talk, he’s capable of being compelling when he does it. The problem is that as a good guy he doesn’t come across as cool, he just makes me want to change the channel and throw the remote in the toilet. His “Really?” shtick has never been good, but at least when he was a heel you could excuse it as him trying to get heat, but now he’s just some obnoxious drip with a talk show who can’t stop trying to get himself over in spite of his guest, and before you know it it’s 1998 and I’m watching “The Rosie O’Donnell Show” with my mother again because I’m grounded.
It hurt everyone involved. It made Fandango look like a creepy weirdo, Miz like the f**king Miz, and Wade Barrett like a delusional lunatic. The fact that Barrett has any confidence at all is astounding to me. He hasn’t won a match since the day after WrestleMania, and yet he still has the audacity to brag about his accomplishments. As dope as Barrett’s new music is (I’ve been singing “God save the queen” in a beautiful soprano all day (I meant tenor)) It’s not very indicative of his character. A more apt musical ballad would have been the sad Peanuts music from “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!” with Barrett dragging the IC title behind him while he hung his head like George Michael Bluth.
Yeah, that would’ve worked nicely.
Dean Ambrose vs Kofi Kingston
Two reasons why this segment was complete and total horse shit—
1- The point of having the visual of Reigns and Rollins going back up the steps to let Ambrose go it alone was a representation that while The Shield are a fearsome unit, they are also three dangerous and talented individuals. Ambrose didn’t need his teammates help to put Kingston away at Extreme Rules, why would he need them ringside now? So having them do the “You got this” motion and bail before the match started only to interfere anyway was completely contradictory to the point they were trying to make. And it’s not like Kofi even had Ambrose on the rails either, he wasn’t on the verge of victory or anything. It was just another typical display of WWE’s “let’s take a step back when things are going well” unwritten policy.
2- Kofi Kingston should be furious at Teddy Long. Instead of restarting the match, or barring The Shield from ringside with the threat of stripping Ambrose of the title, or even letting Sheamus and Orton stay out there to keep the numbers even, Teddy scraps Kofi’s legally sanctioned rematch for the title in lieu of a six man tag because he’s a tag team match enthusiast and can’t help himself. When Teddy announced the match, Kofi should have marched up the ramp, grabbed Teddy by his peanut head, and pounded it against the giant WWE logo while everyone in the ring watched in awkward silence as his shell cracked against the steel.
Fandango On Commentary Forever And Ever, Please
This was like the anti-Miz TV. It was simply glorious. Fandango might be a ridiculous premise for a wrestling character, but he is mint on the microphone. While Miz and Barrett proceeded to murder each other in the ring to the enjoyment of the live crowd, Fandango was making me fall in love with him by complaining about his cuticles and saying “Ouchy” as he bit them.
Then, THEN, he got bored with the in-ring competition and decided he was going to amuse himself, said “Hit my music,” and began to cut a rug in front of Cole and company because dancers gonna dance, ya know. It was hilarious, mostly because of how much little effort he was putting into the actual dancing. He was kind of swaying and side stepping in place, just waiting for Miz to do his spot and kick him for trying to steal his thunder. This in turn caused Fandango to interfere giving Barrett a DQ loss (again) and actually setting up a triple threat feud that I assume is designed to transition the IC title off of Barrett without having to give it to Miz for another 24 hour reign. Which is fine with me, because I’d rather the Superstar holding the IC belt be the winning dancer guy instead of British Charlie Brown.
Good luck with the IC title Fandango! Hopefully you can get the “Curse of the Barrage” stench off of it.
Daniel Bryan vs Jack Swagger
Quick beef: I think the wrong guy won here. I love Daniel Bryan and I want to see him succeed, but dear God how close is Jack Swagger getting to becoming 2012 Jack Swagger? He just got a rebrand and a manager, don’t shave his beard and have him wearing flags again guys, unless you plan on bringing the Eagle back.
I also think a loss here would have been more effective for the story. Winning doesn’t help Bryan as much as it hurts Swagger, but winning would have been good for Jack and Bryan would have been fine either way. He doesn’t want to be seen as the weak link, but can’t stop himself from letting his desire to be the strong chain gets in his way of actually winning matches. I think that’s way more compelling than “Crazy guy who wins and still can’t get over his insecurities.”
That being said the match was top-notch. Truth be told I’d rather see Zeb enlist another wrestler (seriously, it’s not like Curt Hawkins is busy) use their propaganda to turn him into one of them, and have a Team Hell No vs The Patriots feud just so I can have an excuse to watch Swagger and Bryan wrestle each other some more. In fact, yeah, that’s a pretty good idea. Hey, any WWE writers that might be reading this; go ahead and lift that one free of charge. Just tell Hawkins I said “You’re welcome.”
WWE Is Reading My Fan-Fiction
Oh God, this segment.
I’ve been a big supporter of Damien Sandow ever since he bearded his way onto my television screen, and the reason I fell in love with his character was because of things like this. For a while it seemed like Sandow was retreating from the one thing that made him unique, which was his intellectual superiority. He was hanging with dumb girls because they were hot, going to truck pulls, doing generally sleazy things that didn’t make him seem like the aristocratic elitist that I wanted him to be. He was becoming more of a comedic prop than an actual character with motivations. In fact, I even wrote a few weeks ago—
Also, how great is it that Damien Sandow is not only outside hanging out to watch something as trivial and mundane as a truck pull, but doing so while in his robe? I swear to God if he were holding a brandy snifter and muttering “How droll” as he watched, I might’ve died of happiness.
So while either way I’m happy with Sandow being on my screen, I would enjoy it more if he were acting like Damien Sandow instead of just being Damien Sandow.
That’s why this segment filled me with such joy that even Sheamus being Sheamus couldn’t hurt it. In fact, Sheamus being in it made it perfect, because who better to make look like a muscle-brained dipshit than the biggest muscle-brained dipshit on the roster? Sandow took a riddle that anyone who paid attention in ancient history class could have solved, but would escape turds that thought Alexander the Great was just a shitty movie starring Colin Farrell.
One of my least favorite things in the world is the predictability of Sheamus, because when he feels embarrassed or bested he always resorts to violence. So seeing Sandow bail out of the ring when Sheamus went for the Brogue Kick because he saw it coming was a wonderful moment both in terms of story and character development. Sandow is a student of everything, including his opponents! Of course he knew this was going to happen because he apparently watches the show he’s on and has seen Sheamus do this with literally everyone he’s feuded with. It was great, and even a misplaced anger beating toward Matt Striker didn’t hurt it because he’s Matt Striker and f**k him.
This feud has money all over it. I love you Damien Sandow. Unintentional as it may be, I want to thank you so much for making my fan-fic come to life. Now let’s get to work on lifting my “Hornswoggle gets trapped in a suitcase and is lost at baggage claim” story.
Chris Jericho vs Big Show
I don’t really have much to say about this, except that I liked it and want to see more. If Jericho is going to be sticking around for a little while longer, I’m fine with watching him feud with a guy like Big Show because they have a habit of having compelling matches together. I liked the count-out ending because it’s never utilized the way it should be like it was here, I liked that Jericho didn’t use the chair until after Show introduced it as a weapon, and I like the direction they could take this. I’m on board, and want to see more.
Now because I said this, expect Jericho to make rhyming fat jokes on The Highlight Reel this coming Monday Night Raw. Ugh, I kinda did this to myself, didn’t I?
This Was So Much Better Without Triple H
When Curtis Axel debuted on Raw, this was my immediate reaction—
Congratulations to Curtis Axel for being Paul Heyman's biggest failure since ECW. #Raw— Andrew Johnson (@TheAEJohnson) May 21, 2013
No but seriously, good luck dude. Triple H is only 6 months away from dick kicking him to get himself over. #Raw— Andrew Johnson (@TheAEJohnson) May 21, 2013
And then this—
Never mind, I mean 6 minutes. #Raw— Andrew Johnson (@TheAEJohnson) May 21, 2013
After Smackdown, I can say that the biggest problem Curtis Axel had going for him was that Triple H was there, because he was fine on Friday. He seemed confident, capable, and even had a fun match with Sin Cara while debuting a sick new finisher. It just seemed to click, and Heyman was able to get his client over without having to worry about the COO gaming all over the place and literally smacking down the young talent.
By the way, when did Sin Cara return? I feel like I should have heard about this before now.
This Made Up For That Shitty Title Match
So even though Teddy Long screwed Kofi Kingston out of a title match to appease his tag team fetish, it pretty much worked out because this match was BOSS.
I don’t really know what it is, but I love watching The Shield fight as a unit. I wish that WWE would allow them to go to Chikara’s Kings of Trios so they can have six man matches with other actual three man teams. I mean, that’ll NEVER happen, but a guy can dream.
The go-home segment was probably the best part. Reigns’ spear is something I’ll never get sick of watching, and seeing Ambrose dropkick Kofi into the ropes with authority actually made me feel bad for Kofi’s spinal cord. The best way I can explain it is that it was art, and it was an actual joy to watch. It wasn’t the best match they’ve had, but even the 2nd best Shield match is better than the majority of anything else you’ll watch on WWE programming. I wasn't on board at first but now I believe in The Shield, and if you don't by this point than you’re insane.
Anyway, that’s it for this guy. Enjoy your Memorial Day Americans and your regular non-special Monday other countries. See you guys next week.
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot