Hey friends, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown. I’m not Andrew Johnson, but am actually just a very convincing Andrew Johnson android. I’m exactly the same in every way, except I don’t understand emotions and have no genitals. So not that different, really.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton in-ring segment
Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes
Curtis Axel defeated Wade Barrett to retain the Intercontinental Championship
AJ Lee defeated Natalya
Aksana & Kaitlyn backstage interaction
Alberto Del Rio defeated Chris Jericho by DQ
Christian defeated Drew McIntyre
Daniel Bryan defeated Randy Orton by count out
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
The Miz Continues To Make Everything Horrible
Jesus, this guy.
I’m someone that has defended Miz a lot, even in those early days when it was easy to jump on the hater bandwagon. I had a goddamn Chick Magnet t-shirt, one of the dumbest shirts in WWE history. He didn’t deserve it then, but holy crap does he deserve it now. He took a perfectly enjoyable Intercontinental title match (not great, but perfectly acceptable) and just made it garbage with his commentary.
Despite all of his flaws it’s nice to have JBL around. When Miz got into the ring and started antagonizing Axel, JBL accurately pointed out that it would be dumb for Axel to fight Miz for the sake of honor or whatever bullshit thing the WWE faces hold to such high regard. It’s like he’s the only rational mind in a sea of meat-headed morality.
What is it about becoming a good guy that makes all the wrestlers turn into complete and utter dipshits? Because if there’s a way to avoid that someone better tell Dolph Ziggler before he kayfabe concusses his way into becoming 2013 Dynamite Kid.
Aksana Selling Kaitlyn’s Water Bottle Like She’s John Cena
Akasana must be watching her tapes.
Chris Jericho vs. Alberto Del Rio
I don’t know, this just felt off to me. Jericho and Del Rio have good chemistry, but I didn’t feel like there was anything at stake, and because of that I couldn’t get invested in what they were doing. They’re good together, but not so good that I can just sit back and enjoy them wrestling each other. I need a reason, even if it’s something as simple as Del Rio promising Jericho if he wins he gets a title shot. Something, anything, to keep my attention. But they didn’t so I just played Candy Crush until I heard the announcers say Ziggler had shown up.
Post-match, everything was pretty baller. Del Rio is fine as the charming babyface, but he really shines as the crafty opportunistic heel. It’s a role he was freaking born to do, and despite how unbelievably adorable babyface Ricardo is, he’s a natural when it comes to being the Grover Dill to Del Rio’s Skut Farkus. Take note WWE Universe; it’s always the cute ones that hurt you the most.
Daniel Bryan Is Killing It
Highlights of this interview, in no particular order:
- Daniel Bryan in his YES! shirt
- Daniel Bryan wanting to “rage against the machine”
- Randy Orton actually talking like a normal human being with empathy and emotion for the first time in f**king ever
I know I just criticized Miz for getting wrapped up in WWE’s weird sense of honor, but there’s right way and a wrong way of going about it. Miz sat on commentary and talked shit on Curtis Axel for the entirety of his match, then got in the ring and tried to goad him into taking a swing. Daniel Bryan went out and did pretty much the opposite. He acknowledged Orton as a top-shelf competitor that he respects, spoke of the shock and embarrassment of having his match stopped, and demanded Orton to take him more seriously as an opponent to the point where Orton got frustrated and promised to level him.
Now, which guy do you want to cheer for? The bully that interrupted another guy’s celebration to taunt and intimidate him, or the guy looking his opponent in the face and telling him he will not be deterred? If you said Miz than you’ll love this guy called Sheamus. He kicks people who like to read!
Speaking of which…
Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes
As painful as it is to watch Cody Rhodes get a big fat finger and thumbed L on his forehead, it was still a fun match to watch. Sheamus is very good at making his opponents look like stars up until he ramps up and murders them with White Rage or whatever. It was also nice to see him bust out the Cloverleaf, because main-eventers who’s backup finishers are submissions make me clap my hands like a seal. It’s part of the reason why I loved Cena so much when the heat started to build on him, and it’s why I can still forgive Sheamus the wrestler when Sheamus the talker starts being terrible.
I don’t know where this is really headed since Sheamus already beat Sandow at Pre-Show-Back, but maybe it’ll move toward a tag team feud. Sheamus has proven that he can beat them individually, but Team Rhodes Scholars has his number when it comes to handicapped bouts. Maybe he’ll align with another Superstar that thinks might=right and books are for gay nerds. What’s Triple H doing? He’d be perfect.
CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAAAN! AT LAST YOU’RE—SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA
Oh man. Oh man. OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN.
It’s pretty well established that my love for Christian is powered by five fiery suns, but watching him get trounced by the Hounds of Justice was rousing. He went from wasting 1/3 of WWE’s 2nd worst Trios team—Khali, Hornswoggle, and Natalya have the #1 spot cornered—to being the newest target of WWE’s greatest Trios team. That means either Christian is getting a run at Dean Ambrose (YES) or getting a tag team partner and taking a swing at Rollins and Reigns (DOUBLE YES) which I would love, because tag team Christian is a Christian we haven’t seen in a long time, and he’s freaking skilled in that role.
I am very excite, you guys.
Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton
This was so much better than their match on RAW. I don’t know if editing was in his favor, but Orton actually moved with some urgency. Like, you know, he was trying to win a wrestling match. Bryan is a bullet but he can’t carry an entire match alone. That’s too much to ask from anyone. Unless you’re having a squash, it takes two guys to do the work and make something memorable happen. This wasn’t really as good as I think it could’ve been, but it was a step in the right direction.
I did enjoy the finish though. Count-out victories are notoriously phony when it comes to the win/loss record, but most would just take the W and move on. But Bryan is so caught up in his self-imposed insecurities that only he would look at a win as a negative. It was a good way to continue the build toward his continued breakdown without treading water.
Anway, that’s all I got this week. I’m Android Johnson, and you’ve just been Smacked… or something. How does he usually end these? I’ll figure it out.
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