Hello, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown. If you’re feeling generous do me a solid and Facebook/Tweet/Google +/Reddit/Tout/Carrier Pigeon this thing to everyone you know, because friendship is magic.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t use star rankings because star rankings are silly. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and split the show up into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Miz TV featuring The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show, & Triple H
Randy Orton defeated The Miz
Rob Van Dam defeated Damien Sandow
The Shield defeated Dolph Ziggler
Paul Heyman & Curtis Axel in-ring segment
The Wyatt Family defeated Tons of Funk
Daniel Bryan defeated Ryback by DQ
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
Rob Van Dam vs Damien Sandow
Ugh, what is it with this guy and unnecessary leg lifting? One of my biggest gripes with RVD has always been the fact that he doesn’t really wrestle in a way that makes sense. Admittedly he is doing things that are “different” but the fact is that “different” doesn’t always mean “good.” When Sandow went to slam his face into the turnbuckle, RVD lifted his leg up and gently placed it on the pad to stop the momentum instead of, oh I dunno, using his hands like any other human being in the world.
See, that’s my problem with Van Dam. When he’s showing off his incredible stretching abilities he’s taking me out of the match and making me think “Wow, look at that fake fighter go” while making air-wanks. It’s the same with the step-over side-kick thing he does that looks fake and stupid and OMG why can’t anybody counter that?! He’s moving with the speed of a rock golem. Just shove him over when he’s on one foot. I don’t care if he was trained to stand by Zach Gowen, if you push a guy with one leg he’s going to fall.
Also, I get that Ricardo is now RVD’s guy but seriously man, that’s the best outfit you could come up with? I knew it was only a matter of time until he showed up in a shitty air-brushed shirt but at least throw on a whistle and referee shirt or something Ricardo, you’re making me feel embarrassed for you.
Shut Up Curtis Axel, You Dork
Look I love Paul Heyman and what he said in this promo was gold, but even he wasn’t enough to save it for me. Curtis Axel is probably the least charismatic person I’ve ever seen on a television screen. Whenever he gets the mic and starts stuttering out his durps, I put my head in my hands. When he’s done and Heyman starts talking, I pay attention and I kinda/sorta forget about Axel’s awfulness. Then he forgets how to shake a hand and pounds his chest and screams and I start to wonder out loud if he’s mentally retarded.
From now on when he makes his entrance someone in the production truck should put up a nameplate that says “Curtis Axel: Human Disaster.”
Triple H is a Scumbag
He is, but wow at least this time he’s supposed to be one.
I dislike the assumption that since I’m an Internet wrestling blogger type person people assume I fall into all the stereotypes which is bullshit. I love John Cena (when he’s not being a misogynistic dick) and his dorky shirts, Roman Reigns is my favorite member of the Shield despite Ambrose and Rollins’ Indy cred, I think the dirt sheets are run by shallow uncreative dipshits that use deceit for page hits, and you couldn’t pay me to sit through a goddamn Ring Of Honor show. But, I am guilty of one very big stereotype: I hate Triple H and pretty much everything he represents with the passion of five fiery suns. When the Internet types are trumpeting their dislike of Mr. Game COO, I’m the mother**ker in the front row with the biggest goddamn horn you’ve ever seen.
And while he was a face, I felt like I was justified. When you’re devaluing your employees so that you can always be the biggest and coolest bro strutting out on stage, it doesn’t make you look good, it makes you look like an attention whoring ego monster. There’s nothing helpful about walking out to the ring to Pedigree people who are working their asses off to get noticed in front of a live crowd just to get your pop. There’s nothing positive about bumping the younger guys who are desperate for a WrestleMania spot so that you can take up 45 plus minutes at the biggest show of the year to have slow, plodding wrestling matches. Triple H behind the scenes might be making great strides, but Triple H the wrestling character is a pile of garbage that hasn’t brought anything of value to the screen in years.
That being said, Triple H the COO super villain is so amazingly perfect and well-timed it baffles me. Every story Triple H has inserted himself into in the past few years has literally died mid-flight (see “Summer of Punk 2011” aka “The summer that ended up being all about Triple H and Kevin Nash somehow”) so I automatically assumed this would be like that because, well, Kevin Nash. But here Hunter is doing something that he should’ve done a long time ago; he’s taking every criticism that’s ever been thrown at him both on TV and off, and he’s applying it to his boss character. Playing favorites? Check. Holding back talent? Check. Having a hard-on for Randy Orton? Big check. Hell, he’s even using the “King of Kings” entrance music, which is probably the most appropriate thing ever for an arrogant piece of shit to do. He stole Jesus’ moniker! The fiend!
And how beautiful of a heel was he here? He spoke truth about Miz’s decline into irrelevancy, Show being famous only because he’s big and wrestling at its heart is still a carnival sideshow, and putting Ziggler in that same small guy category he’s shoved Daniel Bryan into. He was so slimy I was begging for Show to knock his f**king teeth out, and that’s exactly what he’s supposed to be doing. Even if my personal dislike of Triple H is fueling the fire, amongst the masses I will no longer be in the minority of my Triple H hatred, and that’s kind of a nice thing. I generally disagree with pretty much every person at live WWE shows I go to, but at least now when I say “Triple H sucks” I won’t have to take shit from a dude in a t-shirt with sledgehammers and Latin on it.
Randy Orton vs Miz
Here’s a fun thing that happens to be true—Randy Orton brings out the best in Miz. I don’t know why but Miz brought some fire to this match, and for the first time in a long time he looked like a professional wrestler and not a talk show host playing pretend. It was invigorating to watch, and I like it when guys who aren’t top-shelf anymore but used to be look like they could convincingly win a match. The only reason Miz lost the match was because he let The Shield’s presence get in his head, but just like JBL said on commentary, if you’re going to let that happen you kinda deserve to lose.
My biggest gripe with the match, and pretty much the entire show in general, was the 500 pound elephant sitting ringside. Literally.
If you follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, how dare you) then last Monday you probably know where I’m going with this. For the monsters that don’t follow me, I spent the better part of that main-event voicing my displeasure at WWE’s complete disregard for continuity when Big Show—who a year ago signed a multi-year ironclad contract—played angry giant at COO Triple H because he was forced to watch Daniel Bryan get beat up.
This bothered me for a few reasons, the biggest one being that I’m a continuity nerd and when things are established and then completely ignored, it angers me. JBL and Cole kind of addressed it on commentary but not really, at least not in a way I found acceptable. I know it’s a pretty petty thing to let ruin my viewing experience, but it’s one of those things that nags at my brain until I can come up with some excuse to justify it. I swear to God it’s a miracle I’m a comic book fan, because if you think WWE is bad at this you should try picking up a DC Comic sometime. Every few years they just straight up erase shit.
So if you’re a super nerd like me and can’t let this kind of thing go, I’ve come up with three alternative resolutions to the Big Show contract situation:
1) Big Show claimed to have an ironclad contract when he was a heel, and heels lie.
2) Big Show at some point had an unspoken re-negotiation where he gave up his ability to never get fired for more money, and that’s why he came back smiling and waving as The Big Dad (™ HammerDialectic).
3) Big Show’s ironclad contract is in fact still intact, but he’s still pretty pissed about Daniel Bryan’s MITB cash-in from TLC 2011 and this is his passive-aggressive way of giving him a receipt.
So take your pick and we’ll move on, I guess.
The Shield vs Dolph Ziggler
When this match was announced by Triple H I instantly thought “Oh man, I’m going to get to see Reigns spear the shit out of Ziggler” and holy hell did he ever spear the shit out of Ziggler. Handicapped matches can be boring only if you let them, but the Shield understand that you need to give as much as you take, and they made Ziggler look like a pimp up until that sweet set-up for Reigns to turn Dolph inside out. It was beautiful and magical and made me giggle and make hand claps.
Fun fact: If I giggle and make hand claps, you are doing things extremely right.
I Know This Was Just Treading Water, But I’ll Never Dislike a Wyatt Segment
F**K YOU FAT DANCING HIPSTERS
FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS
Daniel Bryan vs Ryback
I gotta admit, I kind of love Ryback’s “DA BIG GUY” shtick. He’s either channeling Biff Tannen or babyface asshole Sheamus. Either way it’s working for me, and for the first time ever I am actually digging Ryback. I know I get on WWE characters for being bullies and the whole Be A Star campaign is bullshit, but if a heel wants to be a giant piece of shit that deserves to get his ass kicked, I’m all for it.
This match was, in typical Daniel Bryan fashion, very enjoyable. Bryan came out the gate like a rocket and really took it to Skip, and in return Ryback used his superior strength to toss Bryan around like a sock puppet. Unlike with a lot of other wrestlers Ryback is very giving with Bryan, which made the comeback believable, something you can blame on either Ryback’s hubris or Bryan’s skill. It was fun as hell, and even though I generally think DQ’s are bullshit ways to end things, it was very appropriate for this show.
A few positives that came from this:
1) Strange as it seems, this would be a good way to setup a Big Show/Ryback feud, which would be pretty wonderful. Ryback could mock Show for his inaction and Show can take out his frustrations on a face he’s allowed to rearrange.
2) Bryan has been taking a lot of beatings lately, but this one seemed more vicious for some reason. I don’t know why, but it did. It’s going to make his eventual triumph all the sweeter.
3) I get to say “F**k you Triple H” and not look like an Internet smark.
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot