Hello you Lords of Winterfell, you Pirates of Penzance, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of Smackdown. I’m not Andrew Johnson but I’m going to try my darndest to fill in for him by reviewing Smackdown. Like Mr. Johnson, I, the Lonestar, sure do appreciate it when you leave comments on the bottom of the page, especially if they’re pertinent to the show I’m reviewing or telling me how good/terrible I am at creating free content for you to read. I’ll also take random Jurassic Park quotes but just this once.

Now it’s time to smack it like a horse jockey attempting to outrun the apocalypse in a crappy big budget CGI effects-laden popcorn flick starring a safe, white actor.

In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean Andrew doesn’t recap things, he actually reviews them, because he thinks star rankings are stupid, as is giving the reader a detailed description of what happened. He thinks it’s lazy and patronizing, and if you wanted to watch a show you’d pull up the video instead of trying to imagine it. That’s why he lump things into two columns; things he likes, and things he doesn’t. He thinks you can figure out which is which. Anyway, for the uninitiated, he likes to put the results at the beginning, that way you won’t get all confused about the time line later when things are all out of order. Since I’m filling in for him, I’ll be doing the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RESULTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Del Rio and company, Christian, Daniel Bryan and Sheamus opening promo segment

Sin Cara defeated the Miz

Miz, Rhodes, Mysterio and Sin Cara backstage segment

Kane and Daniel Bryan backstage segment

Kane defeated Kofi Kingston

Matt Striker interviewed Randy Orton

Orton defeated Tensai

Orton avoided a Ziggler sneak attack

Antonio Cesaro Scherfuffle

Wade Barrett Promo

Kaitlyn defeated Beth Phoenix

Sheamus defeated Daniel Bryan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got it? Alrighty then, let’s start with the bad stuff so we don’t all hate ourselves later.

Wanking Motion, the segment:

Maybe it’s because I’m so used to watching and reviewing NXT but the opening segment, featuring Del Rio and his minions making their case for Sheamus’s Brogue Kick being evil incarnate, was looooooooooooong. I’m pretty sure episodes of Ed, Edd and Eddy started and resolved entire storylines in the same time it took……wait, what was the point of this segment again? I don’t seem to recall Del Rio or Sheamus saying anything especially new. And did Christian really admit to not being the same wrestler since he took the Brogue Kick from Sheamus at last year’s Night of Champions? That’s....close enough to the truth to be sad. Holy crap guys, I think Christian might be wrapping his career up, which might explain why the WWE seem to be using him to plug whatever gaps they have in the program instead of putting him in long term storylines.

Also, Celtic Cross>Brogue Kick>Texas Cloverleaf>White Noise>Irish Curse Backbreaker. And banning moves is still stupid.

Sin Cara vs the Miz

Remember when the Miz was higher on the WWE totem pole than C M Punk, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler or Sheamus? Yeah, those were dark times. Kinda like the ring during a Sin Cara match. HEYO!

Seriously though, I don’t know when it was decided that Sin Cara could only do hurricanranas and the Indy Wrestling apron Enzu Giri but it does not result in entertaining matches, especially not against Captain Faint-beard himself. Or to put it another way, the most interesting thing about this match was that the Miz reacted to the Sin Cara lights. That ain’t praise.

Randy Orton admits that Sheamus vs Del Rio will go early at NOC:

Right in the middle of an interview with Matt Striker he seems rather annoyed to take part in, Randy Orton theorizes that if Del Rio defeats Sheamus and wins the title and then Ziggler cashes in his briefcase to win it from Del Rio, he could fight for the championship later on in the night. This, of course, insinuates not only that Orton knows the match order of the PPV but that the championship match will happen before his match because he’s Randy Orton and is therefore above the champion and his championship. Call it the “John Cena Effect.”

Do I have to explain to you why this is dumb? Also, does Orton not think Ziggler would consider cashing the briefcase in on Sheamus? Double also, the fact that Orton is now talking about the championship and his enemies (Vickie later in the show) are taunting him about it means he’s probably gonna be in the title picture again soon. To which I say this: if Cena becomes WWE Champion and Orton becomes World Heavyweight Champion in the next couple months I’ll probably have to get a crew-cut, buy some white shirts and eat a big ‘ol pint of vanilla ice cream so I can match the WWE and its blandness.

Beth Phoenix=Jobber:

The Divas Division only has so many women in it, much less capable female wrestlers, so I can understand why Beth Phoenix has been put in this position, again. However, I still can’t believe Beth f**king Phoenix lost to Kaitlyn in order to build her up for a Diva’s championship match. No wait……this spot was meant for Natalya wasn’t it!? Then you realized she’d be cheered because they’re in Canada, leaving your good girl #1 contender looking pretty silly, and instead shoved Beth Phoenix in there to take the dive. Shrewd move WWE, shrewd move.

Read My Lips: I don’t care who the GM is:

You know what easily replaces a general manger for a fake sport? A graphic that pops up after the commercial break and before the next match officially announcing that the two wrestlers who almost got to blows 3 minutes ago will fight at the pay-per-view. That or a casual announcement by Michael Cole during match commentary. It doesn’t need to be hard so I don’t understand why the WWE makes it so hard with all these annoying general manager storylines. I care more about what I’m eating for breakfast tomorrow morning than I do about who’s “running” Raw, Smackdown or the WWE.

Daniel Bryan, Saver of Worlds:

Here’s a list of things of ludicrous things Daniel Bryan has had to do this year and somehow became more popular through doing.

  1. Lose the Championship in 18 seconds at Wrestlemania in order to give Cena and the Rock more time for musical numbers.
  2. Interact with Charlie Sheen.
  3. Yell “NO” at fans in order to kill his “YES” soundbite.
  4. Feud with Kane.
  5. Anger Management vignettes.
  6. TV wedding
  7. Hug a grown man.
  8. Team with Kane.

Daniel Bryan is on a type of roll right now that happens very rarely in the wrestling industry, one in which he turns pretty much anything thrown at him into gold. Somehow he has managed to turn hugging into a thing to be cheered. In professional wrestling. One of the most ironically homophobic things around. Just as he took that idea and knocked it the hell out of the park he took his little moment in the opening segment and had me in stitches with his explanation as to why if he had goatface, it would exist because of how many times Sheamus has kicked him in the head.

That funny moment plus a funny anger management themed vignette with Dr. Shelby and Kane revolving around stress balls and a main event match against Sheamus? It’s my lucky freakin’ day!

Wrestling interviews never go as planned:

As much as I disliked Miz vs Sin Cara, I dug the backstage encounter between the two of them, Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio that set up their fatal four way match at Night of Champions. It wasn’t complicated but wrestling doesn’t have to be in order to be effective. Each challenger has a reason to fight Miz and each presented their case, even if Sin Cara’s argument was just to point. With so many more competent challengers the odds seem pretty low on the Miz retaining his title, though using WWE logic that means he’ll probably win.

Did anyone else notice how much bigger Sin Cara is than Rey Mysterio? I mean, Cara was in the foreground of the shot but damn!

Tensai vs Orton:

I like Tensai. I think he provides a different look than the usual typical WWE superstar (and Big Show) and he tends to have pretty good matches with the company’s top stars. Too bad he usually loses those matches. It’s the same story here against Orton: good match and a loss for Tensai.

Probably my favorite thing about this match was the fact the Tensai fought to prevent Orton from hitting some of his moves, which made it feel more like a fight than most. Why the hell wouldn’t someone grab his opponent’s leg in order to stop a jumping knee drop? Why wouldn’t he try to keep a rope-assisted DDT from happening? It’s just a little bit of effort but I think it goes a long way in creating an entertaining bout.

Kane, surprisingly enough:

So yeah, Kane has quietly been putting together one of his best runs to date, despite being in what is probably the twilight of his career. His chemistry with Bryan is off the charts right now and the inclusion of Dr. Shelby is beneficial as well. You gotta think that chemistry puts the team past Kofi and Truth and into a tag team championship.

This would be the part where I would complain about this make-shift tag team of two singles wrestlers taking the titles away from a more permanent tag team, but Kofi and Truth are the definition of a make-shift tag team of two singles stars anyway so f**k it. Bryan and Kane for Tag Team Champions. Hell, Bryan and Kane for President.

The first W stands for World:

One great thing about the modern WWE is that it truly is a global representation of the best and brightest wrestlers of today. In this Cesaro centric segment alone there’s a Swiss man (who speaks five languages) in the ring with a Lithuanian woman, who get interrupted by a Canadian and a dinosaur.

Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan:

If you can’t enjoy a quality, free Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan main event I don’t think we can be friends. Michael Cole brought up a great point in this match, that most of Sheamus’s moves target his opponents back which makes the Texas Cloverleaf a pretty appropriate finisher. In a way I would argue that because of this the Cloverleaf makes more sense than the Brogue Kick does, which despite its power doesn’t synergize nearly as well with his other offense.

Oh my God, I’m a huge nerd, aren’t I?  

Anyway, what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? If you had to choose between a lifetime of those crappy semi-sweet chocolate chips or really good Hershey’s brand chips just once, which would you choose? Let us know in the comment section. If you made it this far, a winner is me. Thanks for reading. Andrew Johnson will be back just as soon as his mission with central intelligence is over.

Twitter.com/LonestarTJR