Hello, and welcome to this return of Smacking of Smackdown, the only Smackdown review on the web that really matters. If you’re feeling generous do me a solid and Facebook/Tweet/Google +/Reddit/Tout/Carrier Pigeon this thing to everyone you know, because friendship is magic.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website, because recaps bore me and I’m not very good at them anyway. So what I do is just group things into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). But, in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in chronological order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Alberto Del Rio & Vickie Guerrero in-ring segment
Curtis Axel defeated R-Truth
Los Matadores defeated Los Locals
Brie Bella & The Funkadactyls defeated Natalya, Kaitlyn & Eva Marie
Alberto Del Rio defeated Damien Sandow
The Prime Time Players & The Great Khali defeated 3MB
Cody Rhodes & Goldust defeated The Wyatt Family
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
Good Luck with That, Curtis Axel
Thanks to many of you I know that when it comes to dogging on Curtis Axel I am one of the loudest and most obnoxious “haters” he has. In fact, I once was told that even if he had a good match I wouldn’t give him credit because hating Curtis Axel is popular and therefore I’m being a hipster or whatever and thus am incapable of giving credit where credit is due. This is bullshit for two reasons:
1) It kind of bothers me that people think I enjoy hating Curtis Axel. To watch something with the intended desire to dislike it is both counterproductive and masochistic. I watch wrestling because I want to enjoy wrestlers doing their jobs well, not because I want to find things to bitch about.
2) Curtis Axel isn’t the worst wrestler alive, but he’s definitely up there when it comes to worst personalities of all time. On a program that features fake fighting and Reality Television Stars, Curtis Axel manages to be the most unrealistic person on the show. When he talks or emotes or does literally anything other than wrestle, he acts like he’s in a Tommy Wiseau flick. And no, that’s not a compliment.
Admittedly I realize I focus a little too hard on his character than I do on his wrestling skills, so I came into this show willing to lay off on Axel’s overall awfulness and focus on the one thing he does well, but then he had to go off and have a wrestling match with R-Truth (a man that is incapable of having a good wrestling match) and shot that idea in the arm. So great job at doing what you’re told Curtis Axel, you goddamn sheep! You are the Milhouse to Paul Heyman’s Bart Simpson.
Come On Ladies
Ugh, this was just all over the place. Instead of trying to summarize whatever this was I’m just going to paste the notes I took while watching it:
- I thought Natalya, the Funkadactyls and Brie were friends due to Total Diva sisterhood or something.
- Kaitlyn looks about as happy to be there as I am watching this.
- Is Kaitlyn the new Natalya? (Possibly worst/most accurate thing I’ve ever typed)
- Please don’t let Eva Marie do anything please
- WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THINGS I SAID PLEASE
- Spear list: Roman Reigns>Goldberg>Kaitlyn>Batista>Edge>Christian
- The Bellas Dancing to Brodus Clay’s music is a very uncomfortable kind of weird.
So yeah, I didn’t like this.
So Many Heels
Let’s get this out of the way; this whole thing was dreadful up until the “Hallelujah” chorus kicked in and Damien Sandow saved us from Alberto Del Rio and Vickie Guerrero’s kissing 101 expo, thankfully before we saw Vickie’s chocolate starfish. WWE has a weird obsession with keeping the good guys/bad guys pairing when it comes to matches, except for the rare good guy/good guy super match. It’s something that’s always bugged me, because theoretically these guys should be wanting to face any competition that will raise their stock. What is it like backstage if a heel misses his flight? Do they say “Sorry Justin Gabriel but Hunico feel into a black hole and disappeared, and the only guy not working tonight is Zack Ryder”? I mean I don’t want to see Gabriel vs Ryder, but the theory just doesn’t make sense to me.
So when Damien Sandow’s music hit I was both confused and excited. I’m conditioned to think this kind of thing is a set up for a face turn, but that’s not what happened here. Sandow was basically the same kiss ass know-it-all impertinent cock sucker he’s always been, he just directed his vitriol toward someone who actually deserves it. It was an interesting way to start Smackdown, and admittedly I was kind of on the line to see if a face turn would actually take place.
But did a face turn occur? Find out after this brief Lucha tag team match. Stick around!
The only reason I can fathom that Los Matadores took on a masked Ricardo and Tyson Kidd was because 3MB was already busy, which is fine because holy shit did I love watching Los Locals (which is Spanish for “Los Locals”) flip around in masks and half of them getting the RVD stink off their gear. It was Chikara as hell, and if a time portal had opened up and Los Conquistadores had stumbled out for an impromptu three way dance, I might have cum in my pants. If the Colony had traveled across the multiverse and popped in for a four way, I would have died with a smile on my face.
WWE, please run with Los Locals. Don’t give them matching gear or any kind of backstory that makes sense. Keep Kidd in that poor man's Ultimo Dragon mask and black tights. Make the whole thing as ridiculous as they look, and I will buy all of their merchandise.
Hot Heel on Heel Action
And were back! Did a face turn occur? No, it didn’t! No applause for being tough and brave for Sandow after tapping out to the cross armbreaker, the commentators didn’t talk about PRIDE and all that other macho bullshit that people think are the tent poles of masculinity.
What did happen though is we had a fun wrestling match, that was actually aided by the fact that it was on Smackdown which has its own create-a-crowd-reaction feature, so they could have the crowd pop for stuff without making either of them the solid face. I usually hate the piped in stuff, but I was fine with it here because for the most part it was pretty on key with my reactions. I just wanted to watch two dude that I like wrestle each other, and that’s what I got.
I don’t know if this was some sort of experiment that WWE is trying out to make the line between good and evil a little fuzzier without eliminating the sense of morality these characters have, but if it means more heel vs heel or face vs face wrestling between good wrestlers, I’m on board.
Something Khali This Way Comes
I know giving Great Khali shit is another one of those things I do, but here’s the thing; I only give shit if it’s warranted. I don’t know if it was because the cute volume was up to 11 when he was doing the MILLIONS OF DOLLAS dance with O’Neil and Young in a pink shirt, but Khali was actually enjoyable in this match. He didn’t have to carry it, he hit his spots and played his role, and he got out before he became a liability. Where I come from, we call that a best case Khal-nario (I’m so sorry).
So Much Awesome Right Here
I don’t think I can effectively put into words how much I loved this. I just keep sitting here typing “this was awesome” over and over and trying to suppress my wrestling boner with my laptop. Not only do I have Cody Rhodes back, but I get his brother Goldust AND they are wrestling my favorite new thing in WWE with the Eater of World’s sitting outside the ring making things way more intense just by being there. I’m telling you guys, this was like porn. I could watch Goldust slap that sheep mask off Rowan's face all day.
I really wish Bray Wyatt hadn’t pinned the Miz as his next target, because I would love to see a Wyatt Family/Rhodes Family feud. It would honestly be a win/win, because Wyatt needs someone more high profile to go after, and Cody and Goldie need a real threat to keep them united in the dark winter that is WWE’s literal winter.
I really really wish Bray Wyatt hadn’t injured himself over the weekend and just made everything terrible.
If you need me, I’ll be watching this match again on loop.
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