Okay, I'll play it straight with you: this isn't going to be a normal Smacking Of Smackdown. For that I apologize. Well, kind of apologize. You're still getting something for literally nothing.
My excuses aren't really that good either. I went to a Halloween party on Friday and didn't get to watch the show live, which normally wouldn’t be a problem since Smackdown is always uploaded on YouTube in completion. Sometimes it’s a little grainy and the stills I take look like shit, but it’s something. Unfortunately, nobody uploaded anything but clips this week, so YouTube was a bust. And since I went ahead and told Hulu to go f**k themselves, I was kind of out of options.
So instead of a regular Smacked Up/Smacked Down kind of article like we usually have, we’re going to do two Smacked Down’s instead from the limited information I gleamed from the clips on WWE.com. So take it or leave it, but this is what’s happening today. I’ve got Frankenstorm to prepare for, and I am not ready for the apocalypse.
Also, sorry for the late posting of this column. I’ve been having internet… co-neck-tivity problems. Or whatever the little icon in the corner of my screen box says. Am I tweeting? Rabble!
Anyway, it’s time to smack it like the blackness would hit me. And the void would be calling. Let’s do the time-warp again. It’s just a jump to the left, then a step to the ri-ri-ri-right.
All images courtesty of WWE.com
Wade Barrett Is Keamy From “Lost”
Ever since Wade Barrett has returned he’s been this directionless mass of destruction that just causes shit everywhere he goes and doesn’t really bother to have any motivation or a point. He’s like a wild dog chasing a car. He’s like hurricane that doesn’t know east from west, it just moves in directions. He’s like some asshole with a chip on his shoulder that rode on a freighter to an island that may or may not exist to do a job, even though he wasn’t a 100% sure what that job was; he was just glad he could shoot people and blow stuff up. Wade Barrett is like a mercenary, only not a cool one with a personality like Wade Wilson. He’s just some dickhead with an itchy trigger finger and no real motivation other than he gets to shoot people. He’s like that psycho kid from Battle Royale, only amazingly less developed.
There was no real reason for Wade Barrett attacking Randy Orton, at least not one that would satisfy me. It was just mindless prodding, and it didn’t really do anything to progress the Del Rio storyline. It was just another week with Wade Barrett being shoehorned into other people’s shit because the writing staff doesn’t know what the hell to do with him.
And that’s okay if you don’t know what to do, WWE. It’s fine if you don’t want to keep someone with such talent on the shelf while you think of a plan for him either. I didn’t like the slew of jobber beat downs he was taking part in, but at least his actions were consistent. For weeks Barrett was brewing something with Sheamus, and now he’s switching to Orton for… what exactly? It doesn’t make sense. At least you knew why Martin Keamy killed Ben’s daughter Alex; he was an asshole and Ben wouldn’t surrender himself like he wanted. Wade is just being destructive because he’s bored.
If this leads to another Orton/Barrett feud I won’t exactly hate it, but I won’t be thrilled either. If someone gets thrown down another flight of stairs though, I am O-U-T with a big red [F**K THIS] stamped on it.
This Segment Was Very Bad aka Sheamus Is Still An Asshole
Show of hands; how many of you saw this segment and immediately thought “Johnson’s going to hate this.”
If you raised your hand, you were 100% correct.
I’ve been a big backer of Big Show ever since he used whatever magic that made Mark Henry awesome on his own career and became one of the best reasons to watch WWE programming. He turned heel and the fog seemingly lifted on his career and killing whatever was making him suck for the past *checks watch* forever. The dude was suddenly cutting amazing promos, saying things with honesty and purpose. He stopped f**king around with the troglodytes and just wrecked whatever assholes got in his way. He dropped Great Khali in like a minute in a half, simply by punching him in that giant chin and bailing like it was beneath him. Show has been having a fantastic latter half of 2012, which made what happened on Smackdown even that harder to handle.
Show was not good here. Neither was Sheamus, but I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve stopped expecting anything from him other than rolling my eyes and gnashing my teeth in anger. This whole thing was silly, but I thought Big Show talking to Sheamus with some honesty could save it. The honest talking points he chose were poor though, saying it would be impossible for Sheamus to hit the Brogue Kick on him because he’s a giant. That’s stupid because A) Yes he could, it’s not that hard to get tall guy on his knees and then kicking him in the face, Daniel Bryan does it all the time and B) you have a great opportunity to tell Sheamus exactly what his faults are (that he handles situations with anger and violence instead of with calm discussion, that he’s a sexist/racist bully that is no better than the supposed “villains” he just loves to fight, or that he’s a terrible role model that should be ashamed of his behavior) he picks “You can’t kick high enough.”
I don’t handle bullshit well unless I have something to cling to, and by taking away Big Show’s greatest strength --- his ability to cut through the bullshit and just be open and honest about why you’re terrible and how he’s going to murder you --- left me with nothing to grasp and I fell into the crevasse of frustration; a place where WWE often leaves me as it fat dinosaur dances away. What I got instead was Big Show meekly trying to give Sheamus the business and Sheamus basically just shouting “Yer fat and I like fightin’ and IT’S FIGHTIN TIME NOW” and then bum rushed the poor army of independent talent that was standing between nutless Big Show and this unbelievable Irish asshole. I don’t know why Booker T even bothered with a debate. Even if he forced Big Show to Skype in on an iPad that was standing in the corner, Sheamus would have still tried to fight the tablet. He’d throw it around like a confused ape handling luggage, get frustrated, and then he’d get bored and sit down crisscross applesauce in the middle of the ring and play Angry Birds.
Anyway, I’m sure the rest of the show was fine, but I couldn’t really tell you; they only had these clips and like 30 different versions of “JBL yells at referees” which is fine if watching a retired bully pick on zebras is your thing. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks for reading and I’ll try to be more prepared next week.
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot