Hello, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown, the only Smackdown review on the web that really counts (the rest are Ice King’s fan fiction). If you’re feeling generous do me a solid and Facebook, Tweet,Google Plus, Reddit, Tout, and Carrier Pigeon this thing to everyone you know, because friendship is magic.

ALSO do me a favor and check out this year's TJR Halloween Special. It's got pictures of cute cosplay girls and crazy people. It's really something to behold. 

In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website, because recaps bore me and I’m not very good at them anyway. So what I do is just group things into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). But, in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in chronological order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.

~~RESULTS~~

John Cena, Damien Sandow, & The Real Americans in-ring segment

The Usos defeated Ambrose & Rollins

The Wyatt Family defeated The Prime Time Players

Miz TV featuring Randy Orton

The Bellas & Natalya defeated AJ Lee, Tamina, & Alicia Fox

John Cena, Cody Rhodes, & Goldust defeated Damien Sandow & The Real Americans

~~~~

Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.

(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com

Miz TV

I’m not one of those people that gets wax poetic about Shawn Michaels, but after a strong showing on Raw I was starting to reconsider my stance on his post-wrestling career usefulness and was actually a little excited to see him on the show. 2013 Miz is mostly garbage, but when he wants to he can still turn it on and I was curious to see how he would do against someone like HBK in a battle of words. Unfortunately we ended up with the bait and switch and Miz TV proved once again that it is a giant waste of time.

Here are the things Randy Orton covered during his Miz TV interruption:

-Big Show is banned from WWE for life

-Miz is a joke and no longer good

-He is the WWE Champion

The reasons why this whole thing was unnecessary:

-You or more likely Triple H is going to cover Big Show being banned in exhausting length on Raw anyway, so what’s the point

-Tell us something we don’t know

-You’re holding the WWE title and we have eyes

So thanks a lot Miz TV. You’re really pulling your weight around here.

Dolph Ziggler: Peddler of WWE Wares

Jesus Christ.

I thought Dolph had already sunk as low as he could, but I guess I was wrong. It’s one thing to be relegated to trying to move other people’s merchandise while lamenting about “the good old days” (aka 8 months ago) but it’s another to not even be very good at it. WWE should just have Bonecrusher Baker and Pancake Patterson do this full time and leave Dolph get tadpole splashed by Hornswoggle, or whatever is more insulting than that (Hint: There’s nothing more insulting than that).

John Cena Stands for “Bad Stuff”

Oh man alive, where to begin.

I guess the first thing I should mention is how popular John Cena seems to be on Smackdown. It’s weird how a simple thing like piped-in cheers and carefully arranged shots of young kids in Cena merchandise can make the whole arena seem like they don’t want to watch him die in a plane crash. Seriously, the editing was fantastic.

For the most part Cena’s return to Smackdown promo was a rollercoaster. It started off with Cena mentioned that working Tuesday’s was going to be a more regular thing for him since he’s the WHC (I…don’t know how to feel about that) while simultaneously recapping the past week’s events for people that didn’t watch the video package four minutes prior. Then he started to ramp up all Cena like with his “Want some come get some” shtick and I had just picked up my phone to play Angry Birds when I heard the theme song that has been my ringtone since WrestleMania. I don’t want to speak for everyone, but thank God the Real Americans showed up.

What happened next was undoubtable the highlight of the promo, because genuine and courteous Zeb Colter politely invited John Cena to join the Real Americans, and for a few glorious moments I got to imagine what that would be like. Think about it; how awesome would “Real American” John Cena have been? Cena just says “I accept your offer” then joins in with “WE THE PEOPLE” and heads off to pick up his own “Don’t Tread on Me” flag at the gun store. Next week he shows up looking like Bill Paxton in Weird Science and throwing his flag like a javelin. It would be the BEST.

Unfortunately Cena dashed that dream by comparing Jack Swagger to Biff Tannen (asshole is stealing my jokes) dropping jokes not even 8-year-olds would find funny (“B.S. stands for Bad Stuff!” “F**k you”), and sexually harassing Antonio Cesaro. Luckily Damien Sandow emerged to quiet the roaring speaker cheers to put Cena in his place. A lot of people were pissed about Sandow’s loss following his cash-in but you need to understand something; John Cena is the demi-god of the WWE. Surviving him is usually the best you’re going to do, so if you can look like a beast while still losing, that’s something to be proud of. Sandow is getting a main-event feud with the top guy in the world of professional wrestling, and with the inclusion of them Rhodes Boys we’re getting another dope 6-man tag. Call me crazy, but I’m going to go ahead and call that a win.

Roman Reigns Is Going to Be So Good, Ya’ll

I really enjoyed watching 2/3 of the Shield take on the Usos, but the whole match I couldn’t stop thinking about Roman Reigns. That probably sounds weird, but it’s true. From day one since they arrived on the scene, I’ve taken a shine to Reigns. I wasn’t a very big Jon Moxley fan and I thought Tyler Black was alright, so they didn’t have that indie shine for me like Bryan and Punk did. But a Samoan hoss with the sickest spear alive? Sign me up boy. Sign me the hell up.

During their pre-match promo I started getting those good chills watching Reigns give Ambrose “Are you serious, bro?” faces when he took it upon himself to speak for The Shield, and when he lit the babyface fire ablaze when confronted by the Usos and Big E I put my hands on my mouth like I was Stefan. It was boss as hell.

I don’t know how much longer The Shield is viable as a unit, but planting these seeds was a good start to their eventual separation. If you want to make assumptions about their futures, think of it like the rookies in Evolution: Reigns will pop as the face a la Batista, Ambrose will be in it for the long haul not unlike Orton, and Seth Rollins… well he bumps really well.

Bray Wyatt Has Teleportation Powers

The Wyatt’s are finally getting that main-event rub by attacking top tier indie dudes, so when they trounce the best merch peddlers on the roster it feels a tad less thrilling. But, I’m always up for watching these two hone their craft. Harper is secretly the most solid hoss they have on the roster, and Rowan is doing subtle little character moments (like wrestling with his mask on as long as possible) to really sell himself. It’s all building to something, and I’m getting those silly giggles just thinking of the possibilities.

The best part though was at the beginning. Bray Wyatt went from creeping the hell out of me from the Titantron by delivering a haunting promo that ended with “Ashes, ashes, we all fall down” (brrrr) to instantly materializing in his rocking chair on the ramp while Rowan and Harper stared daggers at O’Neil and Young. I don’t want to say it wasn’t the editing powers of pre-taped television, but I gotta be honest; part of me wants to believe Bray Wyatt is Randall Flagg.

Brie Bella Going to Work

Week after week Brie Bella continues to impress me. She’s gone hard the past few months in tightening up her in-ring performance, but this week she showed that she’s been watching her tapes and sold a Tamina clothesline like she was getting decapitated. I’ll be honest, this match was pretty easy to dismiss. The combination of Alicia Fox and her continually fluctuating moral alignment and Natalya, I don’t blame anyone for turning their nose up to this. But, if you pay attention to the good stuff (it was short, Brie was awesome, AJ in shorts) I think it’s fair to say it was worth watching.

On a related note, if anyone would like to get me a GIF of Brie Bella putting her Seth Rollins shoes on, that would be great.

I Guess Smackdown Is the 6-Man Tag Show

This is what I wrote last week in regards to Smackdown’s role in the WWE landscape:

“I understand that Smackdown isn’t really that important in the grand scheme of WWE’s plans. The interesting story development happens on Raw, the fun of trying new things is on NXT, and the extra stuff is on Main Event and Superstars. Smackdown used to be “the wrestling show” where all the good in-ring action happened, but then Raw became a 3 hour show and they started filling in the time of their wrestling show with actual wrestling, thus making Smackdown the tread water program. Sometimes cool stuff happens, but a large part of the show is dedicated to maintaining status quo as to not screw up the big moments for Raw and PPV’s.”

I think this week’s main-event was a great example of this. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. The Rhodes Boys do babyface tag team wrestling beautifully with their hot tags and Rhodes fire, Cena brought the main-event intensity and feeling of importance, and it gave the Real Americans and Sandow a great opportunity to stretch their main-event legs. However, with the heroes emerging victorious it didn’t really do anything to excel their individual stories. It just gave an ending to the tale that began during the opening promo. 6-Man tags full of top tier hardworking Superstars is difficult to screw up, so it’s the perfect place to let status quo maintenance to occur. Once again, I’m not knocking it. I’m just calling a spade a spade.

Now if this whole thing was an obscure attempt to convince Jack Swagger to get his hands on a time-traveling DeLorean, I am 100% on board. Maybe next week he’ll show up the owner or a shitty Casino and married to Marty’s mom.

So what did you think of Smackdown? Let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you all next week.

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