Hello friends and well-wishers; welcome to another edition the Smacking Of WWE Smackdown. We have a lot to go over today, but first I’d like to beg you for some comments/Facebook likes/Tweets because dear God I feel like I’m drifting and I really need the ego boost.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things (because seriously, who reads recaps? You skim the recap until you get the results and the insight, go ahead and admit it, everyone does it) instead I actually review the show. And I mean like a real review, and not something with some stupid star rankings on it. But, since most people need things spelled out for them, I went ahead and put it in two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). And in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Miz TV featuring Team Foley & Team Ziggler
Damien Sandow defeated Kofi Kingston
Layla, Kaitlyn & Natalya defeated Eve, Alicia Fox & Aksana
The Miz & Randy Orton defeated Dolph ZIggler & Alberto Del Rio
Sheamus in-ring segment
Wade Barrett vs Kane went to no-contest
Antonio Cesaro defeated Sin Cara
Big Show defeated The Great Khali
Okay, now the worst stuff first, but don’t worry it gets better. Well, kinda. Keep in mind this is the most apathetic I’ve felt about a Smackdown since I started this column, so this probably won’t be the most encouraging article ever.
Photos courtesy of WWE.com
Hiroshima (C-C-C-Cody Hit His Head)
In what was probably the worst wrestling-related news the entire week (and that includes the news that WWE is probably going to fire a ton of people soon, because f**k off already JTG, seriously) is that Kane took away all of Cody’s HP points with a back body drop and he doesn’t have enough mana to heal himself before Survivor Series. This sucks hard, and has irrevocably damaged Andrew’s interest in a PPV I didn’t have a ton of interest in anyway. The Survivor Series match --- neutered as it was --- remained the one deciding factor on whether or not I’d throw down some dollars to see this show (or at least suffer the company of drunk dudes carrying around their replica tag belts at a BW3s for a couple of hours) but now that Team Ziggler is only going to have half of Team Rhodes Scholars involved I’m probably going to just cut my losses and watch football in my house by myself instead. I love wrestling and often I’ll choose a PPV over football, but I’m not willing to pay to watch a show I’m only mildly interested in or hang out with loud/drunk wrestling fans in DX shirts who still think Chris Benoit jokes are appropriate and funny, because those people are seriously the worst.
They Have The Intercontinental Championship On The Wrong Guy
Here’s the problem I had with the Kofi/Sandow match; throughout the entire contest I couldn’t stop the thought of “Damien Sandow should be the champion here, not Kofi” from taking a constant Christmas train ride around my brain. Nobody is less deserving of the faith that has been put in them by WWE management than Kofi Kingston, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s a bad wrestler (he’s not) or that he’s only being given his push because of the color of his skin (he isn’t, don’t be obtuse), but it does have everything to do with the fact that he’s just not the right guy for the job he’s been given. Nothing about Kofi Kingston screams “main-event talent” to me. I’ve never seen that much in Kingston, and when Air Boom became a thing I thought he finally found his place. He’s a good tag team talent, because he can hide his weaknesses and shine when it matters. There’s nothing wrong with being a tag team guy. Just ask Billy Gunn; he did fine for himself with a series of partners, but then he dumped the lips off his butt and started calling himself “The One Billy Gunn” and everything went to hell. Having the Intercontinental title isn’t going to improve Kofi’s image in our minds. He’s been bumming it with R-Truth for the majority of 2012, giving him a belt and calling him a “Wildcat” isn’t helping anybody.
Damien Sandow on the other hand is a fresh character with a crisp offense and a tag team partner that has been sidelined. He’s got value, and he hasn’t been damaged by years of borderline irrelevancy like Kofi has. The Intercontinental title only means something when it’s on a guy that is either already somebody or has the potential to be. The Kofi Kingston ship has sailed, and it’s time the belt is put on a guy that could do something with it other than mock Miz into a temper tantrum. Give him the chance to sink or swim, it’s better than letting Kofi use it as a piece of drift wood while he doggy paddles in a circle.
What The Hell Is Happening Here
The Divas division is a mess, and it’s clear that even they don’t know what the f**k is happening anymore. Just a few weeks ago Natalya was working as a heel and Aksana was given sympathy points for getting dumped on TV, but now here we are where unless you’re involved in the only Divas storyline (because only one can happen at a time for some reason) you’re an ambiguous character with zero motivation beyond “to point or not to point” because pointing makes you good and scowling means you’re a super bitch. It’s disgraceful, and it’s insulting to the WWE audience members that actually pay attention to this bullshit.
I think a good role for Teddy Long as assistant to Booker T’s asshole would be for him to come out to the stage with a venn diagram with one circle for points and claps, one with a big frowny face, and one with a butt with an air symbol coming out of it, and he could write in the Divas names so we know where the hell they stand.
I Wish Sheamus Would Forget How To Talk
I’ve mentioned this about a million times by now, but Jesus Christ I wish Sheamus would get hit in the head and the part of his brain that understands language would get knocked loose and he became this mute wrecking machine that communicates through punches. When Sheamus isn’t acting like a shit head and is just throwing fist bombs he’s one of my favorite wrestlers in the world, but when he stops to make me understand the motivation behind his actions, I want him to die. He’s constantly trying to rationalize his behavior so that he still falls in line with what a 65-year-old man considers heroic behavior, which is basically reacting to anything with violence. Here are the adjectives WWE wants you to believe represent Sheamus;
And here are the adjectives that really describe him;
The thing that separates Big Show from Sheamus is that he’s not pretending to be something he’s not. He’s all of the things Sheamus is, but he at least knows he’s an insecure asshole, and he’s embraced it to become one of the WWE’s most well-rounded and relatable characters. Sheamus is just as insecure as Big Show, because he’s sort of realized that if he isn’t the World Champion, he doesn’t really have much left to hang his hat on. He’s not the biggest guy on the roster, and he’s not John Cena, so if he can’t be World Champion what is there for him to do? Become the next Randy Orton? F**k. That.
That’s what Sheamus should be acknowledging; that he’s not only battling the Big Show, but he’s fighting off the stench of mediocrity. He’s not a well-rounded enough character to be anything else, but if he would show this kind of depth he’d be more relatable to us. That’s why it’s so hard to get behind Randy Orton; he’s basically a dickbag with a cool finisher. There’s nothing to sympathize with. But if Sheamus showed us that his real vulnerability is emotionally, that gives him depth. Sure he can break your jaw with his fists, but a well-placed truth bomb could bring him to his knees. Why aren’t they focusing on stuff like this?
Probably because in order for them to get across these story points Sheamus would have to open his mouth and NOT sound like a dip shit, so maybe they should just make him a Red Lantern so that the only reason he needs to open his mouth is to vomit blood to charge his ring. Besides, his voice is ridiculous. Seriously man, drop the heavy accent. Kofi Kingston isn’t Jamaican anymore and nobody seems to care. You can still be Irish without sounding like you’re trying to sell me cereal.
Oh Look, A Miz TV That Actually Accomplished Something
I’ve been super critical of Miz TV since its inception, and rightfully so because about 99% of the time it’s a waste of time and only makes everyone involved look like a dipshit. This week however it served as a platform for Miz’s continued face turn, which is long past due in terms of making Miz seem fresh. Foley is doing his best to still make some sense out of this whole mess of a situation, and is actually doing pretty well when it comes to working with his team in promo-land. Mick Foley is legit one of the best talkers in the history of wrestling, so having him captain the Miz TV ship so to speak by carrying most of the load was a good idea, even if Randy Orton couldn’t help himself from dragging the pace to a halt by basically telling everyone to f**k off.
It carried over well to the tag match too. I don’t know if it was WWE’s pumped in reactions, but the crowd seemed like they really wanted to get behind Miz as a face. They cheered for his offense and popped pretty well for him getting the pinfall, that is until Orton hit his RKO and everyone lost their goddamn minds. I think babyface Miz has some legs, and it’ll be interesting to see where they go with it. Either it goes well and Miz starts a new chapter of his career with some momentum, or he drops off in a few months and becomes the next Zack Ryder. Which if that happens I’ll probably just break out my old chick magnet shirt and ask Miz to sign it at Wrestle Reunion in a few years when he's forced to team with Morrison against the Bashams or whatever because he didn't save his money. Seriously that would suck, but atleast I could get an autograph and picture for probably $10 so it wouldn't be all bad.
If One Of Your Talents Is Jumping, Antonio Cesaro Will Mess You Up
Here’s what worries me about Cesaro vs R-Truth at Survivor Series; Truth isn’t a particularly talented dude at selling offense, which sucks because most of Cesaro’s appeal comes from the fact that his offense looks like it’s killing you. When he wrestles dudes like Sin Cara and Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel he looks like a beast, because he can throw these lighter dudes around like they’re garbage bags and wreck them with elbows and uppercuts. Sin Cara isn’t his best opponent, but he’s good enough to where Cesaro still looks beasty and walks away as a more imposing figure. Truth doesn’t have that skill set, so they’re feud is one I haven’t been able to get behind. I’d much rather watch Cesaro take on everyone in the non-existent cruiserweight division forever, because seriously, he could just f**ks those dudes up on the reg and I’d clap and smile.
Anyway, what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? Are you watching Survivor Series tonight? Let us know in the comments. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks and I’ll see you guys next week.
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