Hello, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown, the only Smackdown review on the web written by a communist hipster douche. If you’re feeling generous do me a solid and Facebook/Tweet/Google +/Reddit/Tout/Carrier Pigeon this thing to everyone you know, because friendship is magic.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website, because recaps bore me and I’m not very good at them anyway. So what I do is just group things into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). But, in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in chronological order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Randy Orton in-ring segment
The Food Competition
Mark Henry defeated Curtis Axel
Los Matadores defeated the Plymouth Rockers
CM Punk, Wyatt Family in-ring segment
Tons of Funk defeated R-Truth & Xavier Woods
Antonio Cesaro defeated Titus O'Neil by DQ
Awesome Main-Event Nonsense
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
Of Course They Had a Food Eating Contest
In a move that was surprising to absolutely no one, WWE celebrated the holiday of giving thanks by jammed a bunch of their Superstars into a small room filled with fake looking food except for the one table that was filled with a bounty that would be used to make one guy blow chunks less than two hours later. I generally don't have a problem with stupid schtick like this as long as it stays short and backstage where I can ignore it, but when you cram a guy with more food than some impoverished children will see in a lifetime, and then put him in a match with a super-human who is basically a human Tilt-A-Whirl, I can connect the dots well enough to conclude that this was going to lead to something terrible.
Nice to see the Gooker is still working though.
I'm Not Sure How to Feel About This
Look, I'll be the first person to say we need more equality in wrestling. Not just gender equality, but little people should be treated with a little more respect for their in-ring abilities, especially if they are as good as Mascarita Dorada and aren't a wrestling buddy brought to life by the Blue Fairy like Hornswoggle. There shouldn't be a size requirement on whether or not someone can or should be successful in a choreographed wrestling match where the winner is predetermined. If someone is skilled, they can beat a guy twice their size. Rey Mysterio has made an entire career based on this principle.
So no, my issue isn't that a small person beat a big person. I like El Torito for his ability, and think he should beat everyone in 3MB with ease, because they are in-canon f**king terrible. Heath Slater got punked out by Flo Rida, so it's not that hard for me to imagine him jobbing to someone with actual in-ring ability no matter how tall they are. My issue is that I'd prefer if Mascarita Dorada—a guy who is genuinely more talented than the majority of mid-level talent WWE is currently employing—didn't have to dress like a goddamn bovine to get noticed.
I know we're probably a long way off from genuine equality in professional wrestling (unless you're watching Chikara) but I don't think I'm asking much when I say a little person shouldn't have to dress like a furry to get some decent in-ring action. But at the end of the day wrestling is still just carnival bullshit, and you need people that are different than you to point at and go “That's weird” so it's whatever.
You Are A Hypocrite, Brodus Clay
Or Hippo-crite, if you want to be punny about it.
Here's a list of Brodus Clay's grievances with Xavier Woods:
1) Xavier stole his entrance music
2) He also stole the Funkadactyls
3) He's a rookie
4) He isn't a main-eventer
And here's the reality of Brodus Clay's situation:
1) Yeah he used Brodus' entrance music, but it's not like it was written for Brodus. It was re-purposed to him when Ernest Miller didn't work out in WWE. So it's not really his music anyway, it's just one of those songs that's in the communal WWE pool that gets redistributed after a character has been gone long enough so only smarks and Internet types will be the ones that notice. It's a dumb thing to fight over, especially since neither of them is as good as Ernest Miller.
2) The Funkadactyls are not Brodus Clay's property. They are two free-thinking women who are currently more successful than the fat dancing dinosaur they accompany to the ring. Don't go down this road with me Brodus, it will not end well for you.
3) Xavier Woods has been a professional wrestler for close to 10 years, and has spend three of those years in WWE developmental. If he's a “rookie” than so is Bray Wyatt and his family. Please go try starting this outdated elitism with them Brodus, I dare you.
4) You are not a main-eventer, Brodus Clay. You are a fat dancing dinosaur that pals around with a guy that hits like a wrecking ball and has an Asian fetish. Xavier Woods might be the K-Kwik to R-Truth's Road Dogg, but at least he doesn't have a racist jokes at WrestleMania stink on him that he's still trying to wash off.
Adam Sandler Must've Written This Smackdown
What did I tell you?
Randy Orton Finally Shuts Up
Yeah, me too Renee.
Triple H is the king shit of unnecessary exposition, but Randy Orton is no slouch in that department either. Sometimes when I see Randy picking up the stick I pull out my pre-made list of chores to do while Randy Orton babbles on about the events of his day in exhausting detail and see how much I can get done before he's interrupted. Thankfully though Renee asked him a question he was confused about for some reason, and Orton had to clam up and walk away to try and process the question.
Still, it could have gone better. If I were writing Smackdown, the interview would've been even shorter:
Renee- You know you're going to lose at TLC, right?
Renee- Do you want to go back to the locker room?
Renee- Okay, go back to the locker room.
Mark Henry and Big E Langston is a Friendship I Can Get Behind
Because Ryback and Curtis Axel are still hanging out together (because seriously, who else will be their friends? They at least have something in common) the returning Mark Henry (!!!) was accompanied by new Intercontinental Champion Big E Langston (!!!) and they immediately became the powerlifting BFF's of my dreams.
If you follow Danielle Matheson on Twitter (and if you don't, you should) you'd learn that friendship based wrestling is the BEST wrestling, and it showed here. Big E kept Ryback out of the match, intimidated Axel when he tried to bail early, and assisted Henry with raising arms. It was fun, and if that Carlton and Uncle Phil joke wasn't already beaten into the ground, I probably would have made it here.
I also have to point out how good Henry looks, and I don't mean just because of his haircut. He's slimmed down a bit, and while he's still a monster of a man, he's more flexible and looking healthier than he has in a while. I don't know how much more Henry has in the tank, but the dude that high kicked Curtis Axel on Friday looks like he's got a whole lot more left.
Well This Just Kept Getting Better
A lot of things happened in and around the main-event, and I'm going to try and cover everything without my brain melting.
First, CM Punk spent some time wondering where the f**k Bray Wyatt took Daniel Bryan. Bray explained it by saying “It's all good bra, he's with us and comfortable and stuff” and Punk was like “Nuh uh” and got mad (I assume the Wyatts took Bryan because of his beard (I actually assume it's because Triple H is getting tired of those Daniel Bryan chants and think s that making him a psychopathic hillbilly will get us to stop cheering for the popular dude not named Triple H)).
This led to some shenanigans in the main-event tag team title match between my beautiful Cody and his golden brother against The Shield, because CM Punk had some energy to burn and The Shield is just as bad as the Wyatt's in his eyes I guess, so the match was turned into a six-man tag.
This was AWESOME mind you, because six-man tags are kind of Smackdown's thing, and they are insanely hard to screw up. But THEN shit got even more crazy when the Wyatt's showed up and started looking at everyone all creepily, some words were said, fisticuffs were thrown, and then Rey Mysterio and the Usos showed up and it was turned into a 12-man tag team match.
At this point I looked exactly like this:
It's one thing to make a 12-man tag match, but it's another to systematically build toward it through run-ins and nonsense that makes it all the better. I'm counting the three matches as one simply because f**k you, I'll do what I want, but mostly because it flowed like a wrestling match should. It was no longer a tag team title match, but I'm never going to complain when you add more great professional wrestlers to a professional wrestling match.
So what did you think of Smackdown? Let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading. Next week's article will just be a bunch of GIF's and me typing "And then I felt like this" so I can apply for a job at Buzzfeed.
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