The Smacking Of WWE Smackdown 12/20/13: Let's Deport Santa Claus
Hello, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown, the only Smackdown review on the web written by a communist hipster douche. If you’re feeling generous do me a solid and Facebook/Tweet/Google +/Reddit this thing to everyone you know, because friendship is magic.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website, because recaps bore me and I’m not very good at them anyway. So what I do is just group things into two columns; Smacked Up (good) and Smacked Down (bad). But, in case you’re the type that can’t function unless things are in chronological order, here’s a helpful guide to aide you in the mind-bending world of non-linear writing.
Randy Orton, John Cena, & Daniel Bryan in-ring segment
Big E Langston defeated Jack Swagger
Brie Bella defeated Tamina
Sin Cara defeated Drew McIntyre
Tensai defeated Brodus Clay
Damien Sandow defeated The Miz
Fandango defeated Kofi Kingston
John Cena & CM Punk defeated The Shield by DQ
Anyway, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.
(Most) images courtesy of WWE.com
John Cena and Daniel Bryan Are Marc Antony and Pussyfoot
There are fewer things that irritate me more than John Cena latching himself onto Daniel Bryan’s cheers to make himself seem gracious and fair. Don’t get me wrong, it’s smart. If I were John Cena I’d do it too. But it bothers me that Cena feels the need to play big brother to Daniel Bryan when it’s super unnecessary, but when he actually needs some backup (like when the Wyatt Family is chucking him off of loading docks) Cena is a f**king ghost.
You are a phony John Cena. I love you, but f**k off already.
Okay, Tamina Isn’t Good, Are You Happy Now?
I’ve been aggressively defending Tamina for the past two years, but after watching her inhibit the wrestling ability of Brie Bella (I’m still not used to thinking of Brie as the in-ring better to 90% of the Divas roster) with weak rollups, terrible splashes, and a seemingly lack of special awareness, I’m finally willing to admit that Tamina is hot garbage.
She does pull off the leather jacket nicely, though.
That’s Not My Sin Cara
I’m not against Hunico playing the part of Sin Cara going forward, but I need some time to mourn the loss of Mistico in a WWE ring. It could’ve been something wonderful if he had figured out how to adapt to WWE’s style and stop wearing banana peel boots, but alas it was not meant to be. Now we have a guy who is good but is basically Mistico on tranquilizers. So it’s whatever.
I have a suggestion WWE. If you’re going to commit to Sin Cara 2, than expand it to that Sin Cara/Power Rangers parody the Internet loves. Grab a bunch of lucha stars, put them in different Sin Cara colors, and just let them run around like WWE’s version of The Colony. I think it would be a bigger hit than you think.
What a Waste of a Hoss Fight
I love hoss fights. Love them. It’s well documented that putting two big guys in the ring and letting them go nuts on each other gives me a wrestling boner. When I saw Tensai and Brodus standing across the ring from each other, ready to smash, I got super excited because I assumed WWE knows about me and decided to give me a Christmas present.
So what happened?
They put Tensai—the most underappreciated big man in the WWE—against Brodus Clay—a big sack of fat and anger that is capable of insane amounts of badassery—and put them in a 2 minute match that ends with Tensai doing the flash pin and Xavier Woods goofing with Naomi and Cameron while Brodus derps away.
If you wanted me to tell me to f**k off WWE, you could’ve just said so.
Whatever, Present Miz
You know what I want for Christmas? For someone to go back in time and grab 2008 Miz, bring him to the present, and show him “Christmas Bounty.” Then he could track down his current self, and say things like “I’ll never be like you!” and make current Miz feel really bad. Then we would try to send ’08 Miz back, but we find that he can’t go back because Hank McCoy did something to screw up time travel for everyone, and he gets some flashy tights and becomes the All-New Miz, and work in the same company as current Miz but they never interact with each other for some reason.
In case you thought that was all confusing and stupid, remember that the next time you say Brian Michael Bendis is a good writer.
I Don’t Know What to Say About This
You know what, scratch all that. What I really want for Christmas is during every Fandango match we just have a hard camera focused on Summer Rae’s legs and show it on a split screen. I’ll probably subconsciously absorb some of the match that way.
Santa Claus is Technically an Immigrant
It’s crazy how enjoyable Zeb Colter can be when he’s not toeing the line too close to actual bigotry. It makes me uncomfortable when he makes incorrect and racist claims about Mexicans, but holding up a sign that says “Santa Claus is an Illegal Immigrant” and calls to deport him is so goddamn silly he’s hard not to love. I wish Zeb would try to deport fictional characters more often. It makes it easier for me to justify when I said “WE THE PEOPLE” with Zeb at WrestleMania.
As for the match, if you think I’m going to not enjoy Big E Langston trouncing Jack Swagger like he’s a first year at the Performance Center, than hello, and welcome to the Smacking of Smackdown, I hope you enjoy your first experience here!
Ridiculously dumb hashtag plugs aside, Cody and Goldie continue to impress as the tag team champions, just as Harper and Rowan continue to justify their positions as the heir apparent to the tag team crown. Both teams work so well together and make their styles mesh in a way that’s not clunky or dull. The match just flowed beautifully, and when shit exploded and Harper set up a beautiful clothesline on Cody for the finish I was surprised to find myself standing up. There’s something that can be a said for a match that makes you sit on the edge of your seat, but one that makes you actually stand up out of it without even realizing it? That’s pretty impressive.
So yeah, this worked for me. This worked for me HARD.
Holy Shit, Daniel Bryan is Dead
A lot of the time when the Wyatt’s jump people it’s pretty tame. Well, WWE tame. Coming from a company that used to set people on fire and threaten to cut off their cocks, chucking people into crates and writing mean things on them is nothing. So when Bray and company hopped out of the shadows to trounce Bryan once again, I kinda figured we had another slap him around situation, and then—seemingly out of nowhere—Rowan and Harper CHUCKED BRYAN OFF THE LOADING DOCK like he was a duffle bag full of cables. I had to stop and go “What the f**k just happened?” and ended up rewinding it three times. I know it’s not tying him to a symbol and crucifying him on television, but goddamn that was effective.
Friday Night Six-Man-Tag Handicapped Down!
I… I regret that joke.
Smackdown has had some incredible 6-Man-Tags this year, so I was kind of disappointed when Bryan was murdered and they downgraded it to a handicapped match. I should’ve figured that The Shield would once again deliver on making a disappointing situation rule.
This match had a lot of great things going for it; Cena wrestling like a normal human being and hiding his Demigod abilities, babyface CM Punk wrestling but not talking, Seth Rollins killing himself against turnbuckles, Big E Langston making the save and cementing himself as a player in the eyes of the entire WWE Universe, and this—
MOTHERF**KING SUPERMAN PUNCH ON SUPERMAN. FOREVER DO THIS, ROMAN REIGNS. FOREVER DO THIS.
So what did you think of Smackdown? Let us know in the commments. Next week is Christmas, so there will be no Smackdown report. A week without a Smackdown review. Shocking huh?!
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