Hello good sirs and lasses, and welcome to this week’s Smacking of WWE Smackdown. We’ve got a lot to go over this week, so let’s skip the part where I ask you to leave a comment below where you correct my spelling and grammar (because I no longer care) and get right into the vegan meat substitute and potatoes of this thing.You ready? Because it's time to smack it... down. (I'll be honest, I'm not feeling very well so I don't really have a catchphrase in me today. Maybe next week I will. Sorry.)<!--more-->If you're like me and you spend your Friday nights hanging out at the roller rink picking up babes, then you probably didn't watch the show. Since I don't write things as they happen and tend to jump around, here's a list of the events in the order they occurred.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teddy Long benches Randy Orton and sent him home from school early
The Big Show & The Great Khali defeated Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett
The Big Show killed Mark Henry and destroyed Teddy Long's Office
Hunico defeated Ted DiBiase
Epico & Primo defeated The Usos
Daniel Bryan defeated Sheamus by DQ
Jinder Mahal defeated Ezekiel Jackson
John Laurinaitis made Smackdown exciting
Tamina Snuka & Alicia Fox defeated Natalya & Beth Phoenix
Santino won the battle royal to determine the 6th entrant in the Elimination Chamber match
Okay, now lets get into the stuff I didn't enjoy. Forewarning, it's a lot this week.
(Stuff that makes me roll my eyes and pour a drink.)
School Nurse Teddy Long Saying Randy Orton Can't Play Kick Ball
Legit injury aside, Randy Orton's concussion couldn't come at a worse time. It's the last pay-per-view before WrestleMania and the stage is getting ready to be set for the big show. Is it a good idea to take a man that had a concussion out of the dangerous match he was scheduled to be in less than a week after said injury? Very much so yes. I'm not saying it wasn't a good move. It just sucks, because Orton is one of the best wrestlers in the company, and he has a history of pulling out great spectacles in gimmick matches. That, and I hate the fact that he received the information was by getting called to the office so Teddy Long could break the news that not only is he being pulled from the pay-per-view, but he's going to be removed from the premises by security, because apparently Orton is super dangerous even when he suffers from a traumatic brain injury. Teddy Long really takes advantage of the fact that the good guys show such amazing restraint when dealing with him, because good lord does he ever come across like a condescending asshole. He's lucky that Randy doesn't go all Captain America on him and just kick him in the face on basic principle. If he's not careful, one day a good guy is going to get tired of his shit and destroy his office.*Hint*Foreshadowing*Hint*
Way To Go, Braveheart
It's fun to see that when there is an immediate threat of a dangerous Superstar with severe emotional problems running amok and destroying his personal belongings in his dressing room, his response is not to immediately suspend him and have security taze his ass, but to let him get it out of his system, hide in the hallway, allow security to remove him at their convenience, and NOT punish him in any other way whatsoever. Meanwhile, Mark Henry gently pokes Long on his stupid K Mart suit, and he's talked down to in front of a large audience and sent home indefinitely, and then allow the big white guy who kicks people in the face come down and kick him in the face.Teddy Long is the worst GM ever.
Dear God, This Is Never Going To End
Last week I thought I gave WWE a very easy out with the Hunico/DiBiase feud, and instead of graciously taking it they are allowing themselves to stay stuck in this rut of either Hunico or Ted rolling the other one up and pinning them. It's like it's Groundhogs Day or something.Anyway, I'm done reviewing these matches, because at this point I'm just repeating myself and I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be a enabler to Ted and Hunico's obsession with each other. Maybe when they finally get to the point where instead of locking up they just admit their true love and have a passionate embrace I'll pay attention, but until then it's time to just fast forward and move on with our lives. Enjoy chasing your respective white whales, you couple of Ahabs.Speaking of things that just keep happening over and over again...
I'm Pretty Sure 20% Of The Show Was A Re-Run
I really hate to bitch about good wrestling on a wrestling show, but the tag team division's lack of depth is so evident it's depressing. I like Epico and Primo, and I think The Usos are extremely underused and should be given more opportunities, but not because of default. This match consisted of the entire tag team division as it stands. There is literally nothing for Epico and Primo to do other than wrestle the Usos until a new team is formed, and then one of them can get suspended for using synthetic marijuana, and they can wrestle the Usos again. I love tag team wrestling, and I so desperately want to see a resurgence of the division, but I don't have much faith anymore and I just kind of want to watch it die with dignity, and not with Hornswoggle winning the belts with Lord Littlebrook or Max Mini and having the titles retired because Vince McMahon doesn't want his illegitimate son (because he's old and forgets things, like how making beautiful women fart in a wrestling match isn't a good basis to establish her character) and his tiny friend to get hurt defending them.My point is, either shit or get off the tag team pot WWE. Stop messing around with me.
Ezekiel Jackson, Where's Your Pride?
I'm not an Ezekiel Jackson fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I do remember him more fondly than the pathetic creature he is now. I remember once a long time ago when Ezekiel Jackson was a monster that decimated everyone in his path. I remember when he was so dominate he became the last ECW Champion in history by convincingly beating a guy that literally no one else on the brand could come close to defeating for nearly a year. I remember when he was the tank of the Corre, and he eventually dethroned his superior by torture racking the Intercontinental title off of his body. I remember an Ezekiel Jackson that put the goddamn Great Khali on his shoulders and TORE HIM IN HALF
.Last night Ezekiel Jackson tapped out to the camel clutch applied by Jinder Mahal. The guy I just described in the paragraph above tapped out to Jinder Mahal. Jinder Mahal.Good. Lord.
Well, At Least It Was Silent
In what started as a good women's tag match that was furthering the program between Tamina and Beth Phoenix, it quickly devolved into horrible parody of women's wrestling that we're all very familiar with on WWE television. And, all it took was a silent fart into the face of a referee to make it all unravel.I've had some discussions with a few people that have said I shouldn't be so quick to hate on Nattie's gaseous gimmick, because while it might be stupid, it could be something that pushes her back into the title picture and could lead to bigger things. Since this is a company run by Vince McMahon and he thinks this whole thing is awesome, I'm not saying that isn't a possibility. But, regardless of whether or not this whole gimmick leads to another Divas title run, international recognition, millions of fans, movie deals, and the greatest career any woman could ever dream of, she'd still be the girl that f**king farts on TV because some out of touch old man tells her to.What I'm saying is, regardless of the possible fame it could bring, at best Natalya is a Wayans brother. And that's not a compliment.
Drew McIntyre’s Transformation Into MVP: Week 7
I loved the battle royal, and i'll get more into it later, but it was a shame to see the one guy that could really benefit from a victory that would bring him back up from the bowels of Smackdown's roster and give him an opportunity to reclaim the status he once had get tossed out of the ring by a guy wearing a f**king stocking on his arm.
(Stuff that makes me go yaay and pour another drink.)
A Dashing Barrage
Earlier I spoke of how horrible the tag team division is and I stand by that claim, especially when my favorite tag team in the company is one that doesn't really exist. I love that they are finding reasons to get Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes to tag up, because they are fantastic when they apply this two enemies working together against a common enemy thing. It's like watching Rayland Givens bringing along Boyd Crowder to a shootout, or when Zuko broke Aang out of Fire Nation prison so Aang could give frogs to Sokka and Katara to suck on. Well, not exactly, but you get my point.Despite the fact that it was in a losing effort to Big Show and Khali (ugh) it was a fun match because I got to watch Cody and Wade just own them until the end, when Big Show embraced the hate and chokeslammed Barrett through the ring. Cody and Wade clearly have disdain for one another, but they are so good at working together to chop down the giants they're against, they still make it work. I think my dream booking would be both Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes becoming the world champions of the entire WWE, and teaming together to win the tag belts and periodically defending them against the Usos. That would rule.
You Should Probably Give The Big Show What He Wants, Teddy
Remember earlier when I said someone might finally have enough of Teddy Long's bullshit and wreck his office? Yeah.While I absolutely LOVED seeing Mark Henry show up to point out Teddy Long's extremely obvious lack of star power on Smackdown, I have to admit the best part was watching Big Show just demand a match with Daniel Bryan, and when Henry started talking shit, Show just dropped
him and then punched a hole in Teddy's plasma TV. Everything that followed this was bullshit, but actually watching Big Show rip apart the one thing Teddy truly loves, his status, in front of his eyes was a thing of beauty. Maybe Drew McIntyre should watch this segment on loop and gather some courage, so the next time that little jerk openly mocks him on national television he can just smack him in the mouth and throw a plate of haggis at his TV screen.
Daniel Bryan Is Really Good At This Whole Being A WWE Superstar Thing
Remember when all of those smarmy know-it-alls were saying that while Daniel Bryan is a great wrestler, that didn't mean he had what it took to be a real WWE Superstar? Yeah, those guys can suck it now.Watching Daniel Bryan evolve from indie darling to legit dick head star has been one hell of a pleasurable experience. He's gone from being The Miz's wrestling superior but personality inferior to being one of the most well-rounded and complex characters on television today. For a long time people have said that Daniel Bryan is too small to be a main-eventer in the WWE and that he'd never make it, and instead of falling to this stigma he's embraced it and developed an entire character on this premise. There aren't a whole lot of people that can pull that off effectively. He goes out and says he's the best in the world (without actually saying he's best in the world, because that's CM Punk's thing) challenge two guys that were evicted from the building, and then makes Lillian Garcia (who he referred to as "announcer") declare him the winner of a match that he didn't even participate in. He didn't even need to bring up the whole vegan thing to get massive amounts of heat (which is good, because this whole vegan=lame thing has kind of run it's course, especially because living healthy and living longer isn't
lame). He's doing great, and he's making everyone who didn't believe in him eat their own hats. It was a great segment, and it didn't need anything else to really make it better.But then Sheamus came out and made it better anyway.
This Is Going To Be A Great Feud
When I read one of the message boards this morning I saw a lot of people complaining about how WWE "gave away" the WrestleMania World Heavyweight title match for free, and that's dumb for a few reasons:1) Who said this is going to be the title match?2) If it's goal was to just have the match for free on television so they can't have it at WrestleMania, and this was to satisfy everyone that wanted to see it, then mission NOT accomplished. If anything, it made me want to see it more, because it ended in typical Daniel Bryan fashion; with a DQ finish due to Bryan outsmarting his opponent. This time he followed Christian's example and he infuriated his opponent to the point of mercilessly beating him until he's disqualified when he spit in Sheamus's face, which to be honest would probably set me off too. Bryan plays the douchey underdog so much better than the hard working heroic underdog, and Sheamus is better as an unstoppable hoss who loves ya than he ever was as a red-headed-Irish bastard. I don't care if it's a year late; I'm excited for the prospective matches these two can put on.So yeah, hate on it all you want. It's still going to be great.
While seeing John Laurinaitis show up to give this show a much needed injection of EXCITEMENT and endorse David Otunga as his choice of battle royal winner and replacement for Randy Orton was great and made me smile from ear to ear, it also made me sad because he wasn't there to lock Teddy Long in a crate marked "Ship To OVW" and take over. Still, a little bit of Johnny Ace goes a long way, and getting to see Otunga calmly drink coffee in his Harvard shirt while Laurinaitis pumps him up was pretty great. Hopefully they can turn this into a weekly segment, where he just shows up to say hi and subtly call Teddy a failure until he eventually breaks down and cries.
Hey Look, It's Derek Bateman, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, And Yoshi Tatsu!
You know, somewhere
in there.Part of the reason I liked this battle royal as much as I did is because unlike most battle royals, it was full of guys that I like. Derrick Bateman (aka The Goddamn Bate-Man) is awesome and he's funny on Twitter
, Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel are two of the best workers in the company, and Yoshi Tatsu... well I just really like Yoshi Tatsu, and I like seeing all of them on TV.The other reason is that it was sick
. I know I give Hunico a lot of crap for being an inner-city thug who is obsessed with Ted DiBiase, but the way he eliminated Ted by backflipping him over the rope was freaking incredible. But it wasn't just that, the whole battle royal was full of awesome spots. McIntyre press slamming Kidd over the top, Primo dicking Epico over by tossing him without any remorse, and Justin Gabriel and Primo's elimination series were all fantastic moments that made the whole thing feel special and important. Hell, even Ezekiel Jackson woke up and realized he was Ezekiel Jackson, and started rolling chumps left and right. It was a lot of fun to watch, and it was definitely the highlight of the evening, despite the ridiculousness it bore.Speaking of which...
Well, I Guess It Could Be Worse
Wow, how over is Santino?When I originally heard that Santino would be replacing Randy Orton in the Elimination Chamber, I obviously reacted negatively, because why wouldn't I? He's f**king Santino. He's spent the last however many years being a goofy caricature of a professional wrestler, like a wacky drawing come to life. His comedy is trite and boring, he appeals to the lowest common denominator, and have a mentioned HE WEARS A COBRA STOCKING ON HIS ARM? I don't hate him, but I'd rather not have to deal with him, and the people that think he's hilarious are the same people that are probably responsible for "Two And A Half Men" being such a success. I haven't always had such contempt for him, because that tea party was pretty wonderful, but for the most part I feel like Santino is a drain on my patience and a regular annoyance in my viewing experience.And yet... it works. I can't really explain it, but it does. The fact is that Santino does appeal to the masses, and while he's never going to be World Champion (if he is, I swear I will buy a cobra sock and eat it) he's a benefit to the WWE and putting him in the Elimination Chamber match was the right call. He definitely gives the casual fans someone to cheer for, and in reality he's really not that bad.Besides, it could have been someone like Tyler Reks, which helps me keep this whole thing in perspective.Anyway, I'm exhausted and ill and this was a chore to get through, but I do it for you the fan. You complete me. Also I need to point out that this week Smackdown is live, and I'm debating on whether or not to do a live blog or just write it up in this format the following day. What do you guys think? Would you rather have a live blog or this? Let me know.Anyway, if you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks for reading.Email: firstname.lastname@example.orgTwitter: TheAEJohnson