Hello friends and comrades, and welcome to this week’s Smacking Of Smackdown. We’ve got a lot of stuff to go over this week, and while I’d normally say let’s just get right into it, this week I’m pleading with you; PLEASE like/share this with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, and Google + by using the share buttons at the bottom of the article. I made a lot of promises to Johnny C about making this column more popular, and if I don’t deliver… HE’S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS.And that makes typing waaay more difficult.Any crap, it’s time to smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack (oh no) smack, smack, smack (I’m stuck in a loop, I have no catchphrase) smack, smack, smack (I’ve got to rap this up, I look like a fool) smack, smack, smack (Oh God, please give me a punch line to end this quickly, I think the reader is starting to notice and it’s getting awkward) smack, smack, smack… her? I don’t even KNOW her! (Nailed it).<!--more-->For those of you that just read these reviews and don’t watch the show, here’s a list of the events as they happened. That way when things start getting on non-linear you won’t think the space time continuum collapsed, and you’ll realize I’m just a really inconsiderate writer.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santino defeated Jack Swagger in a cage match to retain the US title
Teddy Long & John Laurinaitis backstage promo
Drew McIntyre defeated Hornswoggle
Mark Henry defeated Ezekiel Jackson
Teddy Long defeated John Laurinaitis
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeated Epico & Primo
Michael Cole, Sheamus, Daniel Bryan, AJ in-ring segment
Big Show, Randy Orton, & Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes, The Miz, & Daniel Bryan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Okay, now lets talk about the stuff I didn't like. I think I've been a little overly negative and preachy this week, so be warned.
(Smacked Down aka Natalya Farts)
“He Is The Former United States Champion”I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I really don’t, because Jack Swagger hasn’t been a thing for close to two years now, and being a forgettable World Heavyweight Champion is really the least of his problems. If anything we should try to forget that whole title reign and just try and start scratch with Jack and his new GOP haircut. But, I’m a nitpicker, and I just can’t let it go.I understand this is more about context then anything. He’s in a US title match, and he is the recently upheaved former US champion. But, when in the history of ever, did they announce someone to the ring as the former whatever they were the former of? The man has accomplished more than being the US champion, even if you exclude the World title run. He’s was Mr. Money In The Bank, he was ECW Champion, he was Michael Cole’s wrestling coach, but the one thing you bring up as he’s making his way to the ring to try and seek some redemption is a reminder that he lost his belt to a doofus playing an invisible trumpet. It just seemed so unnecessary. Like I said it’s stupid nitpicking and I’m not proud of it, but I’d would have been way more accepting of the whole thing if when he got to the ring he looked at Lillian and said, “Thanks for rubbing it in, bitch” before posing in the corner or doing pushups or whatever.
The End Of An EraI’m not really interested in talking about Triple H and Undertaker’s “End Of An Era/Attitude Era Apocalypse/Death Of Real Men Wrestling Hell In The Cell Match” with special guest referee Googly Eyes McGee, but I think for you to say that you are the last of your kind when you’re on the same card as The Rock, Chris Jericho, and Kane (all guys who were in the same WrestleMania when you faced each other for the first time 11 years ago) takes a lot of balls.Well balls, and whatever Triple H has left after Stephanie and steroid abuse took their cut.
Drew McIntyre’s Transformation Into Drew McIntyre: Week 1Now that Drew McIntyre is done being MVP, it’s time for him to hit the reset button on his career and learn to be Drew McIntyre again, but beating up Hornswoggle and taking a big chop from The Great Khali isn’t really the way to do it. Don’t get me wrong, watching a 6’4 Scotsman beat the living piss out of a fake leprechaun is pretty fun, but I’ve just spent 9 weeks watching Drew McIntyre crawl his way out from under the rubble that is his career, and I’d like to see something happen that isn’t so expected.I didn’t read the spoilers, and I still knew he was going to face Hornswoggle. I knew because that’s what the villains in charge do when they want to give another villain an easy win, even though Hornswoggle has a better win/loss record than the majority of the guys wrestling every week on Superstars (RIP relevant Chavo). Even when Khali came big arm swinging down to the ring I didn’t buy it, and just assumed he was carrying Hornswoggle in his pocket and was going to just hand him to Drew gift wrapped, like a giant Punjabi Santa. And, as much as it pains me to admit it, I’d rather have seen anything happen other than Drew spending a few minutes beating the f**k out of a midget to get off of unemployment. Seriously, I would rather have seen him accidentally pin The Great Khali after tripping over his gigantic orthopedic wrestling boots or something, because then I could have at least written the title “Drew McIntyre’s Transformation Into Mickey Whipwreck: Week 1”.
She Isn’t Worried About You, IdiotThe most unintentionally funny moment for me this week was when Aksana was begging Teddy to not go through with his match with Laurinaitis, and Teddy taking that as Aksana being concerned for his well-being. The second he started talking about how Laurinaitis tried to take away his pride, she should have just said “F**k your pride, if you win I have to wrestle a monster. You better take that dive, dick head.”
Johnny Ace’s Chicken LegsThere are a lot of things John Laurinaitis does that I love, but wearing spandex is not one of them. But, despite how uncomforting it was, I have to give credit where credit is due; Johnny Ace don’t give a f**k.I’m not sure what the purpose of this whole thing was. I think they had a plan written out, but then Otunga spilled some of his coffee on it and they had to just wing it once they got out there. The whole point of this match was for Laurinaitis to get some sort of vengeance from Long, but instead of seeing Teddy suck it up and take an L for his employee girlfriend, he… I don’t know what he did. Did he ask Orton to come down and take Kane out of the equation? Did he just throw caution to the wind and hope that the wrestling God’s would see an injustice being done, and move Randy Orton’s black heart toward the ring to protect Aksana? Or, did he just remember that Orton is such a vengeful and dangerous lunatic that he would predictably seek to further even the score with a guy that welcomes people back with chokeslams?I like to think that he is just the only one who is hyper aware that he’s on a wrestling show, and saw “Teddy Long vs. John Laurinaitis, Kane comes down, Orton RKO” on the call sheet as he was walking past the gorilla position. Then he got out his pen, and before he could write in “and den der is a tag team match playa” his music hit, and he had to leave.I don’t know. This is the stuff I think about. Be glad you’re not me.
So This Is The Foundation Of Orton’s WrestleMania FeudMy problem with Kane vs. Orton in what I expect will be a 6 minute match at WrestleMania isn’t so much that it’s happening, but why
it’s happening. And the real problem is mainly, that there is no why. Now I’m not unrealistic. I’m not asking for a well-planned feud that recalls events from years prior. Kane isn’t CM Punk. I don’t really expect an intricately planned story that is built on the hatred Punk had because Orton kicked him in the head a year earlier. This is shooting fire from the ring-posts embrace the hate glove smothering Kane. I don’t need a whole lot of substance, but I do need a reason. I don’t care if it’s because Orton stole Kane’s shampoo commercial or Kane took the dog in the divorce, just give me something to point at and go “that’s why these guys are fighting” regardless of how stupid it is. I’m willing to forego good storytelling if I can just get some goddamn structure. You don’t build a house by putting up walls first, WWE. If you ever build that f**king Hall Of Fame you might realize that.Seriously, I hope they come up with a real reason for the hatred soon, and if they do I hope it’s because Kane is literally possessed by a jealous DDP on an anti-RKO crusade, and he is mentally controlling Kane like a puppet with the power of yoga. That would add all kinds of batshit crazy subtext.
Wow, That’s A BummerIt doesn’t bode well for the tag team division when your tag team champions are facing R-Truth and Black John Morrison, and zero shits were given. The crowd was dead for the entirety of the match. If you watch it with the sound off and just pump crowd cheers into your mind with the power of imagination, it still wouldn’t work because of the stoic glares coming from the audience. You can tell the wrestlers noticed it too, because they were desperately trying to get the crowd’s attention. Kofi went “boom boom boom” and planted his feet in faces, and the audience just shook their newspaper. Primo busted out a cartwheel and the audience collectively checked their Twitter accounts. R-Truth did a spinning whatever, and they audience gave a golf clap while they thought to themselves “God, this is boring. When is that recap of what The Rock did on Raw going to start?”The worst part of this is that it wasn’t a bad match. In fact, it was quite good. But, because WWE has spent ZERO time giving Primo, Epico, and Rosa any kind of personalities (aside from “Latin” and “Spanish Speaking = Boo”) and shoehorned together the team of R-Truth, Kofi Morrison, and Little Jimmy for no reason other than they were saving the Usos for house shows. So while WWE is definitely to blame, it’s not all their fault, because you (and by that I mean me as well, don’t get mad) don’t stand up and cheer your ass off when good tag team wrestlers are applying their trade. And really, it all boils down to the fact that when the WWE asks us what we want for our birthdays, instead of saying “good wrestling matches and intelligent storylines” we scream “COBRA SOCKS” with slobber all over our damn mouths. Goddamn it people, this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m Not Sure What They’re Going For HereI understand the idea behind having Daniel Bryan and Sheamus in the same ring at the same time talking to the same announcer. It’s a good idea to have these guys interact more than they have, because for the past few weeks it’s been Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton or Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk and Sheamus hasn’t really done anything other than pointing at the WrestleMania sign. I agree that they need to be in across the ring from each other more than they have been lately, because if they aren’t their match at Mania is going to seem less important. Since you can’t have them go one on one and tag matches don’t really add any substance to a feud, they need to talk more to each other, and that’s fine.The problem is that this interview didn’t really do anything. It was just a rehash of what Bryan and Sheamus have been saying about each other for weeks, only this time they’re saying it to each other’s faces, just like Alex Riley would prefer. This interview didn’t really add anything new to the story; it was just a rehash in a different setting. Bryan is vegan and lives a clean lifestyle and that’s why he doesn’t need luck to win at WrestleMania. Sheamus admits to being lucky and he’s proud of where he came from and he hates bullies. It’s exactly what they’ve been saying for weeks, only now Michael Cole is standing between them awkwardly.It also didn’t help that it didn’t really feel important. Everyone was huddled over to one side of the ring, and there was never really a danger of violence erupting. It’s weird when WWE just has people talk and not throw fists or get in each other’s faces, because more often than not that’s what ends up happening and I’ve come to expect it. This is one of those rare occasions that I think WWE’s ridiculous sense of pageantry probably would have made this whole thing seem more important than it was. If this were Raw, they would be standing behind podiums and shouting at each other with shaking fists, while Michael Cole stood between them wearing a robe and a powdered wig. I understand it wasn’t a debate, okay. I get it. I’m just saying this was so dull I probably would have preferred one.Well, it was
dull, until this…
“AJ, Shut Up”…Then it was just infuriating.I understand that Daniel Bryan is the bad guy, and he needs to do things that make people go “you suck!” and boo him. I get that. I get that Bryan Danielson didn’t tell April Jeanette Mendez to shut up; it was just a line he was reading as a character. But, someone backstage (Vince) thinks that having a man verbally put a woman in her place doesn't contradict the whole "Be A Star" thing they keep preaching but obviously don't really believe. I don't see why this was necessary.I know it might seem like I'm bitching about nothing, but I'm not. Your World Heavyweight Champion is a vegan hipster that drives a Prius, not Biff Tannen. With one line, Daniel Bryan went from “cocky overconfident champion with deep seated insecurity issues” to “verbally abusive asshole that made AJ look like she wanted to cry” and it made me HATE the guy that put those words in his mouth. But my real problem with this whole thing wasn't who said it, but the reaction it elicited from the crowd. As soon as he told her to shut up, people didn't boo, they laughed. It wasn't a comedy segment. It was a guy telling his girlfriend that her opinion doesn't matter and she shouldn’t talk, and to just stand there and look pretty, and when people laugh it makes me think they think that is acceptable behavior. That’s concerning.But I think what upset me the most was that after Bryan told AJ to shut up, Sheamus didn’t grab him by the shirt and lift him into the air and scream “What did you just tell her to do, you little asshole? F**KIN APOLOGIZE. NOW.” Instead he said “AJ should be wearing a catholic schoolgirl’s uniform” because he’s sexist and possibly a pedophile, and even though he hates bullies he’s fine with putting down a 90 pound girl when she’s standing right there
. The WWE is one of the largest entertainment industries in the United States, and it says a lot for the people running it and watching it when no one will just stand up and say “hey, you need to treat these ladies with respect” and not get called gay. It sets a bad precedent, because if even their biggest and strongest and most anti-bully Superstar won’t stand up for women, then who the hell will?
(Smacked Up aka Cody Rhodes, et al.)
The Board Appointed Smackdown General ManagerI think it’s great that Otunga felt it necessary to bring up that Ace’s one-night-only Smackdown GM position was “board appointed” even though Long was board appointed to run Raw as well. I always enjoy it when people brag about things and misconstrue facts so it makes them look more important than they really are. Like the guy that calls himself and “Executive Assistant”. He’s just too proud to admit he’s a secretary that also makes his bosses coffee and gets rid of the dead hooker smell in his office.I hope they continue this storyline into a place where through some zany happenstance Teddy and John are forced to work for a week as each other’s assistants. That way next week Otunga could announce Laurinaitis as the Assistant Regional General Manager Of Smackdown only for Teddy Long to come out and go “Assistant TO THE Regional General Manager” and John can say something like “this is going to be rough” and then Otunga can look at the camera and make a smirk and then everyone says “That’s what she said” in unison.
So This Isn’t The Worst Thing EverWhile I have a history of knocking on Santino, I have to begrudgingly admit that I’ve been enjoying him this week. I’m not ready to say I’m a fan of his or anything, but like I’ve mentioned before, my feelings toward Santino are entirely situational. When he’s in the ring and his buffoonery is relevant to what’s going on around him, I’m fine with it. When he’s backstage making his cobra strike plastic cups or punching meat, I groan and want to watch something else.My point is, I don’t dislike him as a whole, so I’m fine if WWE wants to suddenly make him more competent and give him a secondary title, because honestly who cares. It’s the US title, it’s barely even a thing anymore. Its prestige went away so long ago that if they suddenly started calling it the European Championship I probably wouldn’t care less. Honestly it’s probably even less prestigious than the European Championship, and that belt has been defunct for 10 years and was once held by Mideon.My point is lighten up people that are lamenting that this is horrible, because it’s not that bad. Santino is extremely popular right now, and he’s got a title. That’s better than giving it to a guy who’s only personality is WHOO WHOO WHOO I’m a one-dimensional stereotype.I still hate the Cobra, though.
Here’s A Cage Match For Your TroublesAs for the cage match, it was cool. I prefer my cage matches to be more about escaping the cage than trying to get pinfalls, so this whole thing worked for me. Santino and Swagger have an odd chemistry that works, and I’m curious to see where they go with this. It’s a good chance for them to finally do something with Swagger, especially after the inadvertent skull murder by swinging door that Vickie was responsible for. I’m not saying I want Swagger to fire Vickie and turn face, because I DO NOT want to cheer for Jack Swagger and his LEGO hair, but maybe they can do something that makes me care that he’s on my television. If WWE wants someone to be a sexist asshole then they should probably make it Swagger and not their vegan who calls himself a role model, because honestly he already kind of reminds me of Biff Tannen.
Let’s Go JohnnyIt’s rare for me to like so many different things within the first few minutes of the show, but dammit I really want one of those masks.
Say Please, BitchLOL Teddy Long’s face.I’m a little disappointed that Laurinaitis didn’t tell Teddy to do a soft shoe and sing him “I’m Sorry” to keep Aksana out of a match with Kane, but I only say that because I hate Teddy so much.
Mark Henry Is All Out Of Bubble GumI’m not going to call Ezekiel Jackson vs. Mark Henry a good match because it lasted for like 2 minutes and it was nothing more than watching two big boars run into each other at the zoo, but it was still entertaining because big guys throwing forearms and haymakers at each other like they’re trying to set off car alarms in the parking lot is enjoyable in its own way. I especially enjoyed the moment where Jackson legit bloodied Henry’s nose, and it powered Mark’s red lantern ring and he went f**k nuts and completely wrecked shop. That or he was dangerously close to revealing that his body does indeed pump Kool-Aid and he needed to wrap things up fast
These Guys Are Really Good At Tag Team WrestlingThis is one of those moments where I wish I was good at making GIF files, because watching Primo pull the ropes apart and Kofi spill out like he was being sucked into a vortex was tight as hell. For the love of God people, why aren’t you cheering for this stuff, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
This Is Pretty CoolFrom last week's Smacking Of Smackdown
...I’m happy with this, even though Cody didn’t have another “Embarrassing Big Show WrestleMania Moment”, because seriously, where do you go after you’ve already mentioned the sumo wrestler and the boxer? The only thing worse then those losses is when he spent WrestleMania XVIII at WWF New York with Billy Gunn. That’s a much bigger loss when you think about it.
It’s one thing to make an offhand joke about how Big Show spending WrestleMania X-8 (instead of XVIII because ATTITUDE) high fiving ten year olds and slumming around Times Square with Billy Gunn being his most embarrassing WrestleMania moment, but it’s another entirely to see your joke come to life on television. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think WWE reads The Smacking Of Smackdown and take writing points from a guy who blogs at a website that is often mistaken for a prostitution rating site, or a website about toilets (it happens more than you think). I’m not one of those self-deluded people that think Cody Rhodes scours the Internet to steal ideas (although if you’re reading this Cody, feel free to steal anything of mine anytime (he’s not going to read this)). I just think it’s cool that the people who write the show I review have the same priorities when it comes to showing the world what real embarrassment is.HINT: It’s not getting paid five figures to dress as a sumo wrestler and slap another fat guy in the tits for a few minutes.
The 6 Man TagOr, “Five Important People Plus The Miz”.Its nuts how in 1 year we’ve gone from having The Miz as THE GUY to him now just being Ken Kennedy. Actually, I think I’m willing to say Miz is less important than Kennedy, because I like to think that they have a picture up of Ken Anderson in every locker room with a wreath around it to remind everyone why you don’t drop Randy Orton on his glass shoulders.As painful as it is to watch Miz just regress further and further, I still enjoy Michael Cole’s unending devotion to him. Booker T barely said anything negative, and Cole launched into a vehement Miz defense that ended with him referencing GI Bro and shutting Booker the f**k up. God, Michael Cole, why can’t you be like this all the time?Anyway, the tag match was fine for what it was, because it was full of people I like watching wrestle. It flowed naturally, and it ended with the feuds that needed to progress progressing. Big Show choke-dragged Cody Rhodes out of the ring and then chased him to the back, Sheamus going Celtic Warrior on Daniel Bryan all over the barricade, and Kane Orton brawling for *checks watch* it might be still going on, I have to check. Everyone trudges forward on the road to WrestleMania, except Miz obviously, who is a gas station attendant on the road now, and his sole purpose is to fill up everyone else’s tanks and get tipped with RKO’s. Maybe one day many years from now we’ll stop by his gas station and he can tell us a heart tugging tale about the hopeful career he once had, and how he still thinks about that one promise he will always keep, that one perfect day on Gordon Street.At least he’ll try to, until he's replaced mid-sentence by Charleton Heston.What did you think of Smackdown? Let me know in the comment section. Thanks again for reading. If you made it this far, a winner is you. See you guys next week.Email: firstname.lastname@example.orgTwitter: TheAEJohnson