Hello, and welcome to this week’s Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over, but first we need to go over the rules of this blog.
The first rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: You must talk about it with all of your friends by using the Facebook “Like” button or “Share” on Twitter, because I’m desperate for attention and if you don’t help me get more readers I swear to God I will cut you.
The second rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: No carnies. I can’t stress that enough.
It’s time to smack it like a teenager that says Nickelback is a better band than The Beatles. Little assholes.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. What I do is generally put things in two columns; Smacked Down or Smacked Up. It makes it easier for me to lump everything I like and/or hate together, but it makes it crazy frustrating for readers that didn’t watch the show or can only think in a linear sense. So, for the benefit of sanity, here are the show results in the order they occurred:
John Laurinaitis & CM Punk in-ring promo
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeated The Prime Time Players
Damien Sandow vs. Yoshi Tatsu never occurred due to elitism
Kane defeated CM Punk
Santino defeated Cody Rhodes
Sheamus defeated Randy Orton
Got it? Okay, now for the stuff I didn’t like. I need to keep it short this week, but since there wasn’t really a whole lot of stuff on this week’s show, I don’t see that being a problem.
Nothing About This Was Enjoyable
While I’ll admit usually the prospect of watching John Laurinaitis blatantly admit that he was planning on cheating in his match with John Cena in front of a live crowd, it skipped right over hilariously stupid and straight into repetitive nonsense, and as soon as CM Punk came out to tell Johnny that he wasn’t a man and he was lame and gay my brain got fuzzy and my eyes turned into static like in cartoons.
I don’t understand CM Punk’s motivation here. Laurinaitis clearly has bigger fish to fry (and yes, you’d think the WWE Champion would be the biggest fish in the WWE. You’d think that) and Punk should really be focusing on the guy who’s sole motivation is taking away the one thing that sets Punk apart from guys like The Miz; his championship status. But no, it’s more important to come out and make slew middle school insults at the guy who has match making power and can make your life a living hell if he chooses, DAYS before you have to face one-on-one with a submission monster. I don’t know why Punk had that deer in the headlights look after Laurinaitis booked him against Kane. I thought he got off easy. Great decision- making skills, Punk. Maybe next week you can walk through Harlem in nothing but your underwear and a sign that says “I Hate [TBS Edit] Everybody.”
Jesus, Just Kiss Already
I like Randy Orton, but there’s always been something about his babyface promos that come across as homoerotic. It’s because he’s a close talker, and I think he does that because he thinks that’s intimidating. And it is, just not in the way I think he was planning.
This was the gayest thing on this show. Keep in mind, this moment was followed by another hour of oiled men rolling on top of each other. I’m not against it mind you. I have nothing against the gay community. In fact, I think we need to pro wrestling needs to get out of the dark ages and incorporate more gay characters in their programming. I think we’re way past the point where we should have an openly gay WWE Superstar that isn’t a drag queen stereotype. How insane would it be if the Randy Orton character (not just him, but any big name in WWE) came out as either gay or bi-sexual, and it didn’t change his character at all. It would give his close talking promos more context, and when the guy he was trying to intimidate him was about to call him gay or fag or pillow biter, he just pointed at a nearby “BE A STAR” sign and they had to shut up. That would be fantastic.
It’ll never happen, mind you, because WWE is run by a confused old man that thinks all gay people are hair dressers or transvestites. I just think enough is enough, and it’s time for a change.
Santino Wants To F**k The United States Championship
On the other end of the spectrum, we have a man that wants to have sex with his inanimate championship belt. I know I just advocated for a more progressive and open stance on sexual lifestyles on WWE programming, but I think the moon is far enough for one day.
Okay, Maybe Air Crazy Isn't So Bad
I have to admit that while the tag team match wasn’t anything inspired, it was still fun and it kept my attention. I don’t know why they didn’t take this time to have one more set-up for the PPV match, but whatever. I like Young and O’Neil, and watching four African American WWE Superstars take up a full segment on television was pretty cool. Also, I think I was a little hard on the R-Truth/Kofi combo. I like Kofi Kingston, and I still wish his teaming with R-Truth had more depth than “we have nothing to do, let’s be partners” but I can accept them as the tag team champions for the time being, especially if they keep having fun matches like this. I still wish Kofi would wear a t-shirt with a spider on it instead of his dumb Best Buy t-shirt, because it might make R-Truth snap and start being funny again. Also, I think it would be cool if Little Jimmy was revealed to be Drop Dead Fred walking around on his knees. I have a lot of weird ideas.
Damien Sandow Is The Right Kind Of Obnoxious
First off, Yoshi Tatsu sighting!
Now that we got that out of the way, I want to say that this week I’m back on the Damien Sandow bandwagon. There are so many things about his character that I equally love and despise:
-Holding his mic like it’s a brandy snifter.
-Bright effeminate colored wrestling gear.
And that’s just his appearance. He also enunciates like a pompous English major and wears a towel like an ascot. He’s a pretentious asshole, and he’s ideal for the mid-card heel position. He’s the only guy I’ve hoped for a Ryback appearance, because I want to see him get stomped in the worst f**king way imaginable. So kudos dick head, I hope you get Rybacked, or Backryde, or whatever the f**k he does to people.
Daniel Bryan: From Squashed To Squasher
Watching Zack Ryder get torn apart by The American Dragon was very refreshing for two reasons:
1) It’s awesome that Daniel Bryan is now at a point where he can go up against anyone below the World/WWE Title level and completely own them. He should be in that position, because even though he’s 5 foot nothing and vegan, he’s still a submission monster and kicks harder than Zinedine Zidane.
2) It signifies we’re finally past the Zack Ryder experiment, and now he’s back to doing what he’s good at; making online videos and getting trounced by better wrestlers.
It’s nice. It makes you feel like you just cleaned your house. Do you know that feeling? I like that feeling.
The Daniel Bryan/ CM Punk Feud Has Finally Started
I’d be glad that this feud finally started in proper fashion, if Bryan’s tricking Kane into beating the dog shit out of Punk with a chair hadn’t aired TWO DAYS before the PPV. Why couldn’t you take the time and energy you put into CM Punk ragging on John Laurinaitis (AGAIN) to let Bryan and Punk have a face to face with microphones or pipe bombs or whatever the f**k they’re called. For God’s sake WWE, it’s like you want these guys to fail.
Regardless of how mismanaged this match has been, the Punk vs Kane was bonkers. When you think of Superstars that have good quality wrestling matches, Kane isn’t one of those guys that come to mind. He’s not bad; he just isn’t someone you can usually count on for that sort of thing. A lot of people are probably saying Punk carried the match, but that’s not really fair to Kane. He really brought it here. Punk is consistently good between the ropes, but he can’t really carry anybody. Just ask Mark Henry.
I’ve Missed You So Much, Cody
Last week Cody Rhodes wasn’t on Smackdown and it really made my mood sour. This week he was and I’m in better spirits. I wonder if there is a correlation.
As far as “Champion vs Champion” matches go, I’m not really a big fan of them. Don’t get me wrong, the match was enjoyable as hell to watch. But, they always give me an ominous feeling that they’re going to lead to unification matches, and while a lot of people might think unifying the US title and the Intercontinental title is a good idea, I don’t and here are a few reasons why:
-In the early 2000’s there was a culling of secondary title belts where over the course of a few months they cleaned out the majority of the belts leaving only the world title belts, the tag belts, and the gimmick belts (Divas and Cruiserweight). It was a disaster, because they eventually realized their rosters were too big for such few prizes, so they eventually brought back the secondary titles.
-The US and Intercontinental title belts are NOT equal. They even went as far as to admit it on television this week. The problem isn’t that there are too many of them, it’s that WWE doesn’t know how to use them properly. Back in the 90’s the WWE used the European title as a stepping stone to the IC title, which itself was a stepping stone to the WWE title. It’s not useless, it just needs to be used in a way where its value is realistic and holding it can have meaning. Maybe it could be the big title on NXT or something.
It also doesn’t help that the roster split is meaningless thus devaluing the prestige of these secondary titles, but that’s another conversation for another day. This stuff is easy to book, WWE. I did it all the time in GM mode on Smackdown vs. Raw. Get your shit together.
I Wish Every Smackdown Main Event Was Like This
I think Sheamus is officially off my shit list now.
That took a lot to type, because every time I hit the space key I had flashbacks to 18-second-gate. But, Sheamus has been making it really hard for me to stay mad at him the past few weeks by having quality wrestling matches. It’s so frustrating, because part of me still wants to be angry at him. But then I remembered I’m not a jaded 16-year-old and it’s time to grow the f**k up and stop being a baby about this.
Orton and Sheamus have GREAT chemistry together. I don’t understand it honestly, because their styles are pretty polar. Orton is a fast moving tactician, Sheamus is a high impact hoss. But, they work well together, and I honestly wouldn’t mind seeing them feud for the coming months in a possible slow heel turn for Orton story. That, or Daniel Bryan can just come down and beat Sheamus in 17 seconds for the World Heavyweight title after shooting him with an elephant gun.
Okay, maybe I’m not totally over it.
So what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? What kind of toppings do you like on your ice cream? Let us know in the comment section. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks, and we’ll see you next week.