Hello, and welcome to the Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over, but first we need to go over the rules of this blog.
The first rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: If you’re a fan of this blog and want to comment, but don’t want to use your personal Facebook account to do so, I implore you to nut up and create a fake account for the purposes of commenting. Since TJR is going through its “Wrestling Matters” phase, it’s made it difficult for some of our more dedicated readers to anonymously share their thoughts and opinions, and to be frank we really miss it. So stop sitting on the sidelines, and get back to calling us names for having different opinions than you.
The second rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: No carnies. I know you guys think I’m joking about this, but I’m really not. NO CARNIES.
It’s time to smack it around because she likes it rough, and while you might not be into that (and honestly a little intimidated and frightened by the prospect) it’s what she wants, and you want to make her happy. Marriage is hard.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. What I do is generally put things in two columns; Smacked Down or Smacked Up. It makes it easier for me to lump everything I like and/or hate together, but it makes it crazy frustrating for readers that didn’t watch the show or can only think in a linear sense. So, for the benefit of sanity, here are the show results in the order they occurred:
Eve, Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton, & Kane in-ring promo
Christian defeated Hunico w/ Camacho
Darren Young & Titus O’Neil defeated The Usos
Ryback killed two jobbers
Sheamus defeated Jack Swagger
Damien Sandow defeated Yoshi Tatsu
The Big Show blamed “each and every one of you” for being a meanie
Alberto Del Rio defeated Randy & Kane
Got it? Okay, now for the stuff I didn’t like.
Polling The Fans
There are a lot of generic good guy moves that I hate, but none more so than appealing to the audience to try and get an authority figure to make a decision in the pollers favor. I especially dislike the poll when a guy I usually like a lot is the one doing it. You could argue that it doesn’t scan for Orton to care so much about the fans when for the majority of his career he’s been an unstable lunatic that does whatever he wants all the time. But, since I’m convinced he has Asperger’s, it kind of makes sense that Orton would watch old wrestling tapes and just go with the basic tropes that all good guys use. He’s trying to be the kind of hero the WWE Universe recognizes, but it’s taking him a long time since he has the emotional range of a stapler.
To be honest though, I really wish he had just looked at Eve and said “Give me a title match or I’ll shit in your purse.”
Listening to Kane talk about being the Devil’s favorite son and why for some reason this makes him eligible for a World Heavyweight Title match was painful as hell. I don’t know what Kane was expecting here, but I didn’t feel the cold trail of fear run down my leg that I’m sure he was hoping for, I just felt embarrassed for him. Del Rio and Eve should have broken out into hysterical laughter the second Kane was done talking (and Orton a few seconds later, after seeing Eve and Alberto’s reactions, would start a big hearty fake laugh just to fit in) and Kane would sulk off to the back to go hide in dark basement corners while spying on Zack Ryder.
These Terminator References Are Getting A Little Ridiculous
I like to think that at some point over the last week Vince McMahon finally saw Terminator (or at least the poster) and thought “This is what Ryback is? Where’s his red eye and robot face?” So he went to one of his producers and was like “Hey, if Ryback is a Terminator, where is his red eye and robot face?” and for a second they thought he was talking about the way Orton’s face looks when he reacts to emotional situations, but then realized Vince wanted Ryback to look more like an android, and said “Well Vince, he’s not really a Terminator, he’s just a guy” and Vince just looked at them sternly until they went and punched Ryback in the eye until it was bloody and Vince was appeased.
That cowboy hat isn’t looking so bad anymore, is it Skip?
Blaming The Audience
Remember what I said about hating the generic good guy tropes in wrestling promos? Count that double for Big Show’s sitting on a stool promo. There is no lazier way to cement a recent heel turn than buy telling the audience they are to blame for his or her villainous deeds. It’s a bullshit out, and it’s uninspired. I’m surprised “Each and every one of you” hasn’t become a trademark on Wrestling Memes.
I think what bothers me the most about this though is that with Big Show --- who over the past couple of years has been shown to be a lovable but dangerous bear with a heart of gold --- they had a chance to do something different. He could have stuck with the alliance with Laurinaitis without fully going to the dark side. Hell, he could have even done this promo word for word, but with a different inflection. Part of what Big Show said has merit; he needs to have a job to provide for his family, so he’s willing to do anything to accomplish that goal. That’s all the motivation you need. He could have come out here with a “blame the fans” promo, but if he had said it with tears in his eyes or had even been reading from a prepared script you would know he was doing it because Big Johnny was making him. It’s a compelling story they could tell, and they wouldn’t have to change Big Show so dramatically just to fit the “I hate you because you didn’t support me now I’m evil” cliché.
Look, I’m aware that the idea I just pitched isn’t a perfect storyline, but it’s a hell of a lot more inspired than what they’re giving us; lazy, recycled, dog shit. Great job WWE, because in a few weeks there will be No Way Out of my indifference.
Good Guy Kane
While I loved watching Daniel Bryan beat the evil out of Kane with a chair while the audience chanted “YES” after every swing, I am not a fan of the result. Kane at this point in his career is not a good guy. We just spent the better part of 2012 being told he’s a lunatic and watched him try to murder Zack Ryder. Despite your feelings on that situation, he is not a man that should be cheered or felt sympathy for. He’s a nut job, plain and simple.
I don’t know why WWE constantly feels the need to turn both Kane and Big Show on a nearly constant basis, but I’m pretty sure at this point Vegas should take bets on how many times either of them will turn in a calendar year, if they already don’t. Shut up, you can bet on WrestleMania so I don’t see why you can’t on some of this other bullshit nonsense.
I’ll Give It To Eve, I No Longer Think She’s Horrible
She’s a less abrasive version of GM Stephanie McMahon. I don’t know if it’s the Clark Kent theory or I just have a thing for librarians, but the second she started wearing those glasses I’ve actually cared about what she’s had to say. I was going to say it was smart move by Del Rio to keep calling her beautiful while he tried to get what he wanted out of her, but I’m not sure if he was just being sly or kept saying it because he was smitten. I’m more inclined to believe the latter, because that’s what I would have done, and I like to think I’m not the only person who acts like a spaz in front of gorgeous women.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Christian
If you didn’t automatically assume I would love Christian being the Intercontinental Champion, than you probably don’t know anything about me. Christian is easily my favorite active professional wrestler today. To me he’s better than Cody Rhodes, and I hope you understand the gravity of that comment, because I am not just someone who says those kinds of things.
While I’ll admit that my bias for other wrestlers is somewhat blinding at times, I don’t think it is when it comes to Christian. He’s consistently the most underrated performer in the WWE. The guy puts on fantastic matches all the time. Even a five minute throw-away television match with Hunico was entertaining, because Christian knows what he’s doing and doesn’t ever phone it in. Also he’s one of the better talkers in the WWE, and is constantly over-looked for his promo abilities. People always say Edge was the better of the two, and that’s bullshit. Watch them closely and really pay attention to what they’re saying when they have a microphone in their hands. Edge’s inflection was always so sporadically intense that you couldn’t tell whether he was being passionate or a mocking dick bag. Christian talks with purpose, and when he needs to emote he does so convincingly and appropriately for the moment.
I’m not usually someone that complains about WWE’s biased “Greatest Of” lists, because they’re patronizing and dumb, but WWE.com’s recent “Masters Of The Mic” article is a goddamn sham. The damn thing had Santino on it for God’s sake, but Christian was completely left off. To be fair though, that whole list was a mess. The Rock was #3, and he’s basically just a catchphrase cartoon character akin to Scooby Doo or Slimer from “The Real Ghostbusters”. Great talkers are ones that don’t seem like they’re reading from a script, but speaking from the heart. Kermit the Frog is more natural on the mic than The Rock, and he’s made of wires and green felt.
How Cool Is This
Cody Rhodes might not be my favorite part of Smackdown anymore, but he’s cinched the second place spot in my heart by coming out and doing a few things:
-He reemphasized the importance of the Intercontinental Championship by saying that it’s worth fighting for.
-He said Santino was one of the things that dirtied the status of the IC title (I think he should have said Carlito instead, but to each his own).
-He announced that a rematch isn’t far down the road.
Two of my favorite wrestlers in a feud for my favorite title. Oh WWE; and here I thought you didn’t care about me.
Millions Of Dollars, Millions Of Dollars
Booker T said something about these two teams that I absolutely agree with; he likes the Usos, but he likes Young and O’Neil just a little bit more, and it has to do with their personalities. Young and O’Neil are silly bastards, but they are also entertaining to watch and know how to wrestle as a team.
Even though their personalities are what make them more marketable than the Usos, I have to say I thought it was funny as hell when Jimmy Uso told Darren Young his head looks like a boom mic.
Okay I’ll Admit, That Was Pretty Nuts
As much as I make fart noises when Ryback comes out, even I have to admit that watching him put two cruiserweights on his shoulders and march around the ring before dropping them with the thunderous roar of a perfect storm is f**king metal as hell. That’s the most I’ve ever liked Ryback, and I suspect it’s the most I ever will. Of course I say that, and next week he’ll do it again but with Hornswoggle as a fat green cherry on top, and then I’ll be buying my own airbrushed Ryback t-shirt.
This Buffoonery Was Pretty Harmless
I don’t have much to say about the Santino/Ricardo match, aside from the fact that it wasn’t as dreadful as I was expecting. Comedy segments in wrestling aren’t always bad, and when kept short and extremely stupid, they can be enjoyable. A couple of things I actually enjoyed:
-Ricardo running the ropes like the person controlling him got the triangle button stuck on their PlayStation controller and he couldn’t slow down.
-Santino making fun of Ricardo’s fear of a sock.
-Ricardo wrestling in his tux. Glorious.
Look, I read a lot of comments on Twitter that said this match was a waste of time and it could have been used to display more legit wrestling or another Funkasaurus squash. But, I’m not jaded enough to where I can’t enjoy watching a grown man in a tuxedo get trounced by the living embodiment of slapstick comedy for a few harmless minutes. It was stupid and it was fun, I don’t know how that’s any different than a fat dancing dinosaur.
A Decent Match Trumps A Bad Promo
I’m really trying to be more positive when I’m writing about Sheamus, opting to say only nice things about him in the coming weeks and ignore the things that I don’t like. So in the interest of this agreement I have with myself, I’m going to pretend the promo he cut about how he accidently on purpose ran over John Laurinaitis on Raw and how he’s sorry Big Show is a big fat cry baby didn’t happen and just get right to the decent match he had with Jack Swagger.
It was decent.
That is all.
Get Him Off! Get Him Off!
First off, Yoshi Tatsu sighting!
I can’t tell you how refreshing of a character Damien Sandow is for me. It’s not enough I feel legit dislike for a wrestling character, but Sandow reminds me of every pompous ass I’ve ever had an English Writing class with, and I want to see him suffer. Keep in mind that’s a good thing, because while I’m usually prone to siding with the villains, I actually want to see Sandow get his ass kicked. That’s an uncommon feeling for me, and it should only emphasize how good of a job he’s doing at being a pretentious dick. If he keeps backing into corners and begging with the refs for fair play just before ball-kicking his opponents I’m probably going to cry with tears of conflicted joy.
Also, he did a f**king perfect cartwheel. Creed Bratton would be red with envy.
Well, At Least This Happened
For some reason I really couldn’t get into the main-event, and I think that’s because I couldn’t decide if Kane was supposed to be a villain or a tragic hero again. So while I disliked it for the most part, I’m very happy with the result. Alberto Del Rio is a fantastic villain, and I think he’s due to have a World title run that isn’t being overshadowed by CM Punk or John Cena. Smackdown is the right place for him because he can build back the credibility he lost by being Punk and Cena’s bitch for the better part of a year on Raw, and I get to review his matches. Also, this means more chances to see a flying Ricardo, so I’m looking forward to the possibility of him finally “growing his wings and leaving the nest” so to speak.
Real quick before I say goodbye, I need to let you guys know that since next weekend is my anniversary, I will not be covering Smackdown as per usual. Instead, you’ll be graced with stand-up comedian Isaac Kozell, who you can get acquainted with at his Twitter right here. He’s really funny and cool, so give him a chance before you burn him in the comment section.
So what did you guys think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? Would you rather pee mayonnaise or sweat cheese? Let us know in the comments. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks, and I’ll see you guys in a couple of weeks. BEHAVE!