Hello lasses and lads, and welcome to the Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over, but first we need to go over the rules of this blog:
The first rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: Leave comments at the bottom of the page. Also click the Facebook and Twitter share buttons, because it would be nice if some of you would help this blog get more popular and hopefully lead to me getting some sort of financial restitution. It’s not like I’m getting paid for this, you know. I still eat Ramen.
The second rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: Please take off your shoes before you come in, because we just got the carpet shampooed and we would really appreciate you not getting it dirty again.
It’s time to smack it like you think nobody is home, but then you hear the toilet flush and you have to try and compose yourself before anyone finds out what you were doing. Did someone hear you sinning? Were you quick enough? You’ll probably never know. And that will haunt you.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things, I actually review them. What I do is generally put the events of the show in two columns; Smacked Down or Smacked Up. It makes it easier for me to lump everything I like and/or hate together, but it makes it crazy frustrating for readers that didn’t watch the show or can only think in a linear sense. So, for the benefit of consistency, here are the show results in the order they occurred. That way you know what went on before things get all wonky:
Zack Ryder in-ring segment
Alberto Del Rio defeated Sin Cara
Primo defeated Darren Young
Cody Rhodes & Dolph Ziggler defeated Christian & Santino
The Big Show defeated The Great Khali
Ryback defeated Tyler Reks
Damien Sandow defeated Justin Gabriel
Sheamus defeated Chris Jericho
Got it? Good. Now for the things I hated, because it’s better to try and end these things on a high note.
Good Lord, They Actually Called It Zack Down
When I heard Zack Ryder was going to be the GM of Smackdown, I planned accordingly.
Every time there was a fist pump, a “whoo whoo whoo, you know it”, a reference to his first name rhyming with “smack” or a poor decision made by the person in power, I took a shot.
I was hammered by the end of the opening segment.
Zack Ryder: King Of Wasted Opportunities
For the past few weeks the WWE audience Universe has been subjected to the comings and goings of past GM’s who have been treating their time on the show as an audition of sorts. Vickie Guerrero used her time as GM to shake-up the MITB WWE Championship match, Foley righted some perceived wrongs, and Teddy Long made tag matches and had a backstage BBQ. You know the normal stuff.
Zack Ryder didn’t have to follow this same formula. He’s an active WWE Superstar who won his position in a battle royal, he wasn’t auditioning for anything. He could have used this power to do anything he wanted. He could have added himself in to one of the MITB matches this Sunday. He could have forced Sheamus to defend the World Heavyweight Title against him with both arms and legs bound on the mat by chains. Hell, he could have even tried get one of those iron clad contracts Big Show is always talking about to give himself job security. That way he could make all the stupid Internet videos he wanted and only show up to wrestle when he felt like it. He had all of this power for 2 hours; at the very least he could have made the Internet Championship a valid WWE title.
But no, what did he do instead? Put his name at the beginning of the show in celebration of himself and get threatened by a fat guy. I guess if you give a douche bag a dollar, he’s going to use it to buy styling gel.
Well, This Was Disappointing
This wasn’t a bad match. But it wasn’t a good match. I don’t know what, but it felt like it was missing something, and I’m not really sure what it is.
Prior to both of these guys joining the WWE I researched them in took in as much of their time in Mexico as I could. I don’t know how many of you have seen Dos Caras Jr. vs. Mistico, but these guys were f**king nuts. They didn’t do anything ECW crazy, like jump off of scaffolds or punch each other with glass glued to their fists, but they put on high-paced thrill rides that kept the audience on their feet. They made professional wrestling look like art. Now, because they’ve both been bombarded by WWE to wrestle whatever the hell their style is, the Lucha Libre has been sucked out of them and they’re just going through the motions.
And that’s bullshit. You don’t hire Dos Caras Jr. and Mistico to come to your promotion and then tell them they can’t be Dos Caras Jr. and Mistico. And by that I don’t mean the whole name change thing, I mean the very essence of what they are. Don’t get me wrong, Alberto Del Rio is doing fine, and he’s one of the most charming characters we’ve had in a while, but Sin Cara seems to have lost whatever was driving him, and is now stuck on autopilot.
I’m not saying they need to steal the show all the time. Nobody should have that kind of pressure to perform every single week. But, I do expect more from two of the world’s most famous luchadores deliver more than this boring 8 minute disappointment.
This Doesn’t Feel Right
Before you say anything, I liked this match. Primo is a fantastic, and Darren Young has proven he’s capable when he’s paying attention. That’s not what bothered me. I don’t know why I just realized what has been so obvious to everyone else for so long, but I’m not really comfortable with WWE taking A.W. away from the PRE to join up with the blackest black guys on the roster. While Primo was jumping through the ropes to give Young some nasty whiplash all kept thinking about was Cupid Cartman saying “A place for everything, and everything in its place.”
And that’s… that’s horrible.
Big Show Doesn’t Know How This Works
Why did Big Show think if he punched Zack Ryder in the face he would someone be granted the position of Smackdown General Manager for the evening? Who the hell made that rule, Biff Tannen?
Smile For The Video Package!
Yeah, smile you f**king sheep.
Don’t get me wrong; watching Alberto steamroll Sheamus and then arm break him off the ramp was metal as hell, but it the whole thing just screamed “now hold still so we can use this image for the video package”. And as much as I love the result, I don’t like being about to pick out the video moments as I’m watching them happen. It’s less obnoxious than Christian Michael posting photos of himself and that bear from Ted on Facebook, but more obnoxious than when John tries to talk about Batman.
3 Of My Favorites And A Dork
I’m a big fan of tag matches before a PPV, mostly because 3 of the guys in the match are my 3 biggest reasons for still watching this nonsense. Speaking of which, I haven’t been on a proper “Cody Rhodes Is Great” rant in quite a while, so prepare for some ass-kissing weather.
Cody Rhodes is better than Dolph Ziggler. Actually, to be more specific, Cody is a better heel than Dolph. A lot of you probably are going to disagree, but it’s true and here’s why. Dolph is fantastic at doing the show off thing and making other people look good by making their wrestling moves look like they are murdering him. He’s wonderful, and he is very deserving of all the praise and cheers that have been getting heaped upon him.
But here’s the thing, he shouldn’t be getting audience praise. He’s so good at being a professional wrestler that the audience has wised up and are starting to love him despite his arrogance. It’s the same kind of thing that happened to Shawn Michaels in the mid-90’s, and it worked like gangbusters.
Cody Rhodes on the other hand is a wrestling machine who can enchant you either with his fluid ring-style or his mesmerizing promo abilities. And, people hate his f**king guts. That’s a good thing. Hell, that’s a wonderful thing, because despite the “smart” fans who cheer for villains because it’s cool, Cody gets rained down with boos on the reg. That’s astounding in this day and age, so that leads me to one of two conclusions: Either Cody Rhodes is too good at being a despicable dickhole that people cannot justify cheering for him despite how awesome he is, or Cody Rhodes sucks and is not great.
And since the latter is impossible, that leads me to think Cody Rhodes is better than Dolph Ziggler at being bad. Disagree all you want, but this is science, or something like science, or something not at all like science because… oh whatever you’ve probably already skipped down to the next section anyway.
This Is How Every Great Khali Match Should Go
When Zack Ryder made this match I was prepared to guzzle the entire bottle of scotch and just pray I make it out of this alive. I decided against it however, and I’m glad I did because watching Big Show just say “f**k it” and drop Khali a minute in was a joyous moment. I always love it when the WWE Superstars seemingly become super rational, and in Big Show’s case he realized he was standing across the ring from a guy who can barely f**k walk and decided to just use his special right away and put this whole thing to bed. Make a note, everyone in the WWE. This wrestling thing isn’t that hard when you’ve got a closed fist of doom in your repertoire.
Side note: when did closed fists become legal?
It Can Be Killed
Okay, that might be jumping the gun a tad, but if Tyler Reks can cause Ryback’s torso to flash yellow even once, than clearly someone else with more talent and prestige will have no problem putting this guy to bed. Which I’ll be fine with, because now that Ryback has graduated from jobber school by killing everyone else in the class, he’s moved up to singles matches with other real WWE Superstars and it’s starting to show some chinks in his armor. And let’s face it, if Tyler Reks can get in a few offensive moves than 90% of the roster can, because they’re all trained professionals and he’s Tyler goddamn Reks.
Real quick Ryback Twitter account update:
93,949 followers, 0 tweets.
I on the other hand have 489 followers and 2,174 tweets.
One more quick update:
F**k off, Ryback.
Damien Sandow Is Becoming My Favorite Thing Ever
I really enjoy Justin Gabriel despite his Matrix haircut and anime clothing, but I’m enjoying Damien Sandow so much right now I could barely remember why I liked Gabriel in the first place. Which is concerning for me, because at first his appeal was that I loved to hate him. He’s a pompous elitist with bright colored mismatched tights and a way too on-the-nose theme song. He made me want to hold his face in the snow and shove lumps of ice down his jacket. But, because of a mixture of what I’m sure is mostly talent and beard, I’m now anticipating the “Hallelujah” chorus.
So, well done Sandow. You’re still a prick, but you’re my prick.
This Match Really Made Up For Everything Else Sheamus Has Been Doing Lately
I don’t know what to say about this other than it was a joy to watch. Sheamus and Jericho have this odd chemistry, and I think it has less to do with Sheamus’ talent and more to do with the fact that Jericho has great chemistry with everybody. Don’t get me wrong, Sheamus isn’t a bad wrestler or anything. It’s just that when you’re a guy who wrestles a style like him, it’s easy to get caught up with doing the motions, and forgetting to make those special moments that make watching wrestling exciting. He’s smash mouth, and while that’s great and all, you can only watch someone do the same thing so many times before it becomes stale. Also, the second he opens his mouth I want to punch it shut, because there is nobody on the roster that is a bigger heel than Sheamus, no matter how many little kids dress up like him.
But, thankfully, where he fails in being a good role model and having memorable matches on the reg, he makes up for it when he’s up against a guy like Jericho. I don’t often recommend you to watch a match in its entirety while already knowing the result, but this match is really good. If you’ve got some time to kill or a dump to take, you might as well enjoy a good match while you do your business.
So what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? What are your plans this weekend? Doing anything fun? Can I come too? Let us know in the comments. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks, and I’ll see you all again next week.