Welcome to Commentfest for the August 6th edition of WWE Monday Night Raw. In case you missed it here's my Raw Deal column covering everything that happened.
How it works is I do a status update (on the TJRWrestling.com Facebook page) within a half hour before Raw starts and then as you watch the show you throw in your (usually sarcastic) comments on what you saw. Then after the show is over, I come back, look through the comments, pick out some of them one by one and save them on my computer. Then I go through it and add sarcastic comments to some of them although not all of them because a lot of times they can stand very well on their own. I don't post names, but I'm sure you'll recognize your comment if it made it into this column. Reader comments are in green & blue while mine appear in the brackets when necessary.
When you put it all together it ends up being one magical column known as Commentfest. There were 1000+ comments this week. Here is this week's edition.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...BOYS AND GIRLS...CANTONIANS OF ALL AGES.....Are you ready? NO! I SAID....ARE....YOU....READY?! Are you ready to see thousands UPON THOUSANDS of recaps of Lawler getting KICKED IN THE HEAD? Finally, a recap we all can enjoy! (don't forget to use the hastag #rawisrecap tonight). You're on TJR.WRESTING.COM...and this is....RAW....IS....COMMENTFEST!!!!
It's Raw 1005 episode and I can think of 1005 things I rather do than watch the Chaperone with the outdated haircut, mundane voice, and awful selling. (Yet you're watching. Another win for HHH.)
No Jericho, Brock, or Reks tonight, but hey we get to hear HHH grumble on about a rematch. Maybe this will cure my insomnia. (Reks carried this show, didn't he?)
Welcome to the 1005th episode of "As The Game Turns" where the Crippled Assassin wonders whether he can still compete in THIS BUSINESS~! or not.
Did you know? The Great Khali has a longer World Title reign than Mr Perfect, Jake the Snake Roberts, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Owen Hart, Arn Anderson & Scott Hall combined. Happy Burthday Great Khali. (You forgot Ted Dibiase Sr. too!)
I hope the guy who pitched getting rid of Nickelback got a raise.
Oh boy, starting with Jerry talking. This show has promise.
"This is not the way Monday Night Raw usually starts." With a promo? This is why we liked when he got kicked. Unfortunately, sense was not knocked into him.
Did the kick cause brain damage? Jerry shoulder bumped Punk as he passed him. Totally deserved that kick.
KICK HIM AGAIN, PUNK. But this time in a vital organ. Clearly kicking King in the head accomplished nothing.
Looks like Punk realized if he wants to be in the main event, he has to cut his hair like Cena.
Ohhh Cole, how quickly you forget using Jack Swagger to pummel The King on multiple occasions!!! The WWE - YOUR place for continuity!!! (I wish we could forget that awful angle. I really do.)
CM Punk just brought up Lawler/Cole at WM. Heel Turn complete. (The pain! Make it stop!)
Punk is stuttering a bit tonight. Did he catch the John Laurinaitis disease?
Punk saying all this stuff to Jerry really makes me wonder why in the hell I'm suppose to root for Jerry.
Punk's not being a star, but he's being the hero Gotham deserves.
So...basically Punk is stating the truth and we should hate him? (Hmmm...well...I don't.)
Lawler...you can go through the Pit of Despair, or through the Shrine of the Silver Monkey...THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
Jerry Lawler is part of a main storyline on RAW... Where do we complain about Unsafe Watching Conditions again?
Why does Ryback's theme song sound like a Mortal Kombat arcade game?
I would be afraid to eat at the same buffet as Ryback not because of his size but if there will be any food left for me.
The "Feed me more" sign in the background is like an eye chart. Can someone read the bottom line for me?
Goldberg with the Jackhammer! Wait, wrong guy, move, and decade.
I know I'm not suppose to be thinking this, but Logic doesn't think Swagger was suppose to land on his head like that on the back body drop.
Kudos to the kid who gave Swagger a pep talk. Reminds me of the kid who said "Good job, good effort" to the Miami Heat. (Well played.)
John Cena!! Woooo! Omg!!! - says...who? (Lawler.)
Uh oh...Canton is having a Canadagasm right now. Look out, people! (No. I need two Canadians in the ring. Just Natalya by herself is wonderful though.)
Stone Cold Steve Layla with the sparkling white knee brace.
The only way I could possibly care less about Layla is if she was Kelly Kelly. Or Aksana. Or Rosa Mendes. Or Alicia Fox. Or...
Natalya once had a last name, but for some reason all divas lose their last names after a year. (At least Beth has one.)
Did Cole just say all time diva greats?! That made me spit out my vodka! (Yes he did about Layla. Mmmmm vodka.)
So...this Diva's match is pretty good. Of course, it's not enough to have a good match. Send Vickie out there and have the camera focus on her looking impatient.
This is why Nattie should be on my screan more often.
What happened? I totally zoned out for the diva's match. No joke here. I didn't pay any attention. (Vote Linda.)
If all women skipped around the office like AJ unemployment wouldnt exist.
Can't tell if that was a promo or one long shriek. (Hey Vickie.)
That just turned me on........to how great AJ's character is, I mean seriously. I think she and I should go down.....to the comic book store and discuss how to take it farther.....in the WWE.
OK isn't this unsafe working environments? The board of directors have no problems with the GM of RAW attacking it's talent on screen? Shouldn't the other wrestlers stage a walkout at the end of the show? Right? (That's just crazy talk.)
Things Triple H accomplished: Stephanie McMahon. The end. (Well played. And good for him. Really.)
If I was the COO of a world-wide company, I'd make every week my career retrospective. (Can I call you Paul?)
This is the closest Chyna will ever get to being back on WWE TV, unless the boys in the back watch her at work in her new job.
They got Charlie from Lost to Twitter during the show? Quit slumming it, Charlie. (I'm listening to "Driveshaft" right now.)
No Jerry, you get in the WWE Hall of Fame like you are drawing a number for the Royal Rumble.
Can we go back to 2 hours of Raw? (I support this.)
My opinion of this King storyline? In the immortal words of Peter Griffin: "on your mark, get set, terrible."
You know who keeps reminding me that John Cena is still a thing? John Cena.
Remember when Cena/Miz was the main event of Wrestlemania? Yeah, nobody cared then either.
Wait...John Cena isn't in the main event? Has the world come to an end? Did the Mayans come back early? Are there millions of angry Canuckleheads pouring over the border as we speak? Actually, one of those wouldn't be bad...I'm just not saying which one. Something has to be left to the imagination, after all.
Josh is out there because you suck, Cole.
There's a grown man in the front row leading the "Let's Go Cena" chants against the "Cena Sucks" stuff. Odd visual. (Crowd plant?)
Super Cena Zord activated.
Seriously. When Cena starts the shoulderblocks.... just move. You know what's coming. We ALL know what's coming. It's not rocket science. Just duck or something. Christ. (Thanks for posting, "real to me" guy. )
"If you want to see Punk vs Lawler in a Tables Match press any key. Where's the any key?"
I really want to see HHH return soon. I miss him. I mean, we haven't see him in over a week now.
Kane is angry about Ron Paul not being a viable candidate.
If this were most other people, I'd be criticizing the skit. But it's Bryan, so I'll let it be. I like him too much.
Comedy heel jobber vs comedy face jobber. The crowd goes meh.
So the people in anger management aren't freaked out when a 7 foot tall, 300 pound welder walks in?
Every time I hear Aksana's music, I just want to solve a murder case in a trench coat so badly.
Hmmmm a snake...a sock and an infatuation with a hot chick? ummmm sure there is NO hidden message there. (Gee I wonder.)
WWE: Everyone in the world is talking about HHH's future. And by everyone in the world, we mean the people we pay to do whatever we want. (Oh so true.)
Boredus, your Funkadactyls can rub on each other all they want and I still won't be interested in this segment.
If the mood lighting is up for this match can we at least have the disco ball going?
Sandow and Rhodes as a Tag team? Oh thank you WWE. Please keep them together. Like seriously.
They should call Sandow the "self-proclaimed intellectual savior of the masses." Like Shelton and Charlie used to be "the self-proclaimed world's greatest tag team."
Cara is dancing. Bring back Hunico.
Kane looks more sad than mad.
Katie Vick reference!!!
Ha ha ha, Kane in anger management recounting his wwe backstory is magnificent.
Yes! They brought Kane's kayfabe history up!
Kane has saved this anger management skit. Hilarious.
Kane's story telling reminds me of Dr. Evil in the Therapy scene of Austin Powers. (Yes!)
Don't we all have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose? Don't we all?
Too much logic in that Kane speech.
Harold is my new best friend!
Oh, Bryan's facing truth. Maybe a heel can finally get a victory. (Nope.)
Kane just did more story continuity in one segment than WWE does in years.
Apparently Triple H has accomplished a lot.
Did I just see a sign that said "Mr. Small Package?"
Nice, Truth remembering his flub from a few years back.
Katie Vick >>>>> Michael Vick.
Brock Lesnar superfan. He only owns one shirt. Rough economy.
I'm listening to RAW more than watching it, and I thought Lesnar was coming out to confront Bryan. I'd love that match. (Thanks fantasy booker man.)
Daniel Bryan vs Ken Shamrock in a "who will 'snap' first" submission match @ Wrestlemania...make it happen!! (He's gonnna snap!)
I'm as big a HHH mark as you'll find (outside of people being paid to be HHH marks), but seriously? Enough with this. It makes me embarrassed to be a fan of his to see all this shit. We get it, we don't need to see Matthews and Cole literally get onto their knees and blow him.
Uh oh! Justin Roberts just used ~SERIOUS VOICE~! (You know it's serious now.)
Ah, yes. Mr. Levesque. All those years of banging Stephanie, making babies, and being hated by the entire locker room have paid off.
How did he tie that double windsor with only one arm? (Thanks for posting, guy who thinks somebody else can't assist in tying a tie.)
Triple H is happy cause he's getting the show of respect that he didn't get at Summerslam. You know, the one where the crowd was smarter and saw past the BS?
"One was having Ric Flair become my bitch and the other was burying the entire RAW in one single year." - Triple H
I didn't wanna be the guy who.... nah f**k it I wanted to be the guy to bone the bosses daughter and put in line to take over this company when he retires (Vince will retire in 30 years when he's 97. Maybe.)
God, I wish this show was in Canada or New York because they would tear this segment a new one. (Raw in Montreal in September.)
"You Can Do It!" It's still real to them, dammit.
"You can do it!" Rob Schneider is in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
You're wrong, Triple H. I didn't care.
Can we please have Brock run down and physically abuse Hunter again? (Maybe in January.)
Even if this is a storyline, there's still some heartfelt emotion coming out here...I have to respect him for that, at least. The man cares about THIS BUSINESS!
Thank you Hunter...for the fakest retirement segment ever. (Thanks for posting, Ric Flair.)
Bib-bibbity-bibbity-bibbity-THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Lobster head needs to go back to the sea.
I miss Christian as World Heavyweight Champion. (So does he. And me too. Let's hug it out together.)
If Orton would share some of his stash w/ us, this match might be a tad more entertaining.
Sheamus makes Orton look black by comparison.
Okay tag match. Nice of Ziggler selling the back breaker and brogue kick. Ziggler should just sell his losses like a street fighter character.
Hey, former World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette. Eh, his tile run was still better than Khali's.
Are we still doing this Be A Star thing? Can people just stop calling Alicia Fox a boy so we can move on from this damn thing?! (I think I enjoy it too much.)
Kane on commentary > then Cole and King as a team.
Otunga huh, does this mean we actually get a Ryder win? (Apparently yes.)
Kane, for the love of whatever dark god you serve, chokeslam Cole!
WOO WOO WOO, ZACK GOT A WIN, YOU KNOW IT. (What a push.)
Otunga bumps worse than Vickie. (Accurate.)
What exactly does being the #1 socially active show actually mean? Does it mean that WWE plugged social media more than anyone else during the show? (I believe so.)
WE LOVE LAWLER, SO THAT'S WHY WE'LL PUT HIM IN A MATCH HE CAN'T WIN! - Said stupid WWE universe member kids.
Oh my god, CM Punk facing John Cena?!?! You don't say?!?!
So what exactly did Cena do to earn a title shot? Was there some #1 contender match(es) that I missed? (His name? Sure.)
I chose the steel cage. I didn't choose Lawler.
I'm just glad that this John Cena kid is finally getting a title match. He's worked so long and so hard and to finally get this opportunity must be... wait, what?
I can't hate anything AJ does. She could recite the alphabet while skipping around the ring wearing her ninja turtle costume and I'd be touching.............uh, I mean watching intently.
When someone says you get the first shot, you don't debate it, you ball up that fist and sucker punch the dude. (Free advice. You're welcome.)
Jerry Lawler still has one of the best punches in the biz. Give him that one. (Maybe he should punch himself on commentary then.)
Punk imitating Andy Kaufman is fantastic. That's what I love about Punk, he's obviously a very knowledgeable wrestler, and he respects the history of the business.
STOP THE MATCH! There's blood!
Stop the match!!! I see blood.
That was the worst Rock Bottom I ever saw. (And left handed.)
I wonder if Punk asked permission to borrow Hornswoggle's toolbox.
Punk covered in blood and freaking out is bomb. (Bomb = good in this instance.)
Super Cena tears open the cage in T-minus 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
Punk's ripping off Magnum T.A. and Tully Blanchard.
Punk uses Master Lock and chain. Cena is confused. "Climb it!" Cena: Lift the cage!
I'm supposed to be a good person and cheer Cena for this, but beating on a washed up, brain-dead commentator merits much praise.
Thats all the time we have left folks! What a crazy night! This is Cantonian McCommenfester saying good night, and (insert copyrighted phrase here)! And now, John Burgundy. (Quite the last name there.)
Cena had no one to push him to the top of the cage like the WWE pushed him to the top of the roster.
Why was Punk beating up Archie Bunker anyway?
I really think if they wanted all the fans to boo Punk and have him as a 100% Heel, Raw needed to fade to black with Tony Schiavone saying "CM Punk, you can go to Hell!"
Well thank you for watching tonight's episode of Raw ladies and internet marks. All I can say is we brought to you an above average show featuring the career of Triple H, Katie Vick, and the best in the world CM Punk. That's all the time we have for you tonight from the channel 4 news team, the number 1 news team in San Diego. I'm Brian Fantana subbing in for Ron Burgundy who hasn't been seen since his Catalina wine mixer with Tits McGhee. Remember always Sex Panther it up on your naughty dates. As Ron would say, "Stay classy San Diego", I'm the Fantanator saying till next week.
Thanks for bringing us home as always, John Burgundy.
That's all for this time. To join in on the Commentfest fun be sure to check out the TJRWrestling.com Facebook page. Fozzie will be hosting next week. Until next time, thanks for reading.