Welcome to Commentfest for the August 6th edition of WWE Monday Night Raw. In case you missed it here's my Raw Deal column covering everything that happened.
How it works is I do a status update (on the TJRWrestling.com Facebook page) within a half hour before Raw starts and then as you watch the show you throw in your (usually sarcastic) comments on what you saw. Then after the show is over, I come back, look through the comments, pick out some of them one by one and save them on my computer. Then I go through it and add sarcastic comments to some of them although not all of them because a lot of times they can stand very well on their own. I don't post names, but I'm sure you'll recognize your comment if it made it into this column. Reader comments are in green & blue while mine appear in the brackets when necessary.
When you put it all together it ends up being one magical column known as Commentfest. There were 1400+ comments this week. Here is this week's edition.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....BOYS AND GIRLS....CANTONIANS OF ALL AGES.....are you ready? NO! I SAID- ARE...YOU...READDDDDDDYYYYYY?!! Are you ready for BROCK LESNAR? How about for Triple H? How about their segment getting recapped every 15 seconds after it happens? Are you ready for HBK to possibly make an appea...oh, it's not for sure? Well....shit. Are you ready for Punk to turn a little more Heel? Are you ready for Vickie Guerrero to shake that cougar ass like Elaine Benes? Are you ready for LIFE TO BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF JACKSON ANDREWS?! I think we're all ready for that one....anyways, get your hashtags ready (#kneestofaces #rawisrecap)...because you're reading TJRWrestling.com...and this is....RAW....IS....COMMENTFEST!!!
Santino holding the US title is like real life. Foreign companies own most of the US... (He is Canadian. We're a little foreign.)
The Raw Deal, just another name for Kelly Kelly's lady parts.
Time for the only reason to watch Monday Night Raw..... Jerry Lawler's commentary.... err... I mean Commentfest.
Before it begins, I hereby state that until Swagger wins 2 straight, I am witholding comment. And just for Canton, the following: I DUNT THANK I KAN SPEEK OR SPEEL TOO GUD TOODAY. PLEZE FERGIVE ME. YAY HAKSAW. That is all. (Two wins for Swagger? Yeah we won't be seeing you for a while.)
Commentfest, where anonymous people on the internet have opinions more valuable than commentators for a worldwide brand.
I hate sitting thru the last 5 mins of ncis than we get to raw and I hate sitting thru 10 more mins of video packages. (So why not have it on another channel and then change it to Raw right when it's about to start? You're welcome.)
NOT NICKELBACK FTW!!!!
Did anyone else expect Punk to start singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me" at the end of Raw last week, or was that just my sick mind? (Hey Lita.)
The brand new RAW? What's so brand new about it?
Did AJ just steal HBK's white suit from Wrestlemania 25? (I laughed.)
God knows skipping to the ring like a twelve year old high on pixie sticks engenders respect.
Big Show vs. Orton? I'll be in serious danger of falling into a coma.
"For the first time ever on RAW," glad they added that last part, or else Velocity would be pissed. (That's a 2003 reference about Cena/Bryan. Google it.)
At this stage in his career, CM Punk could grab a live baby from the crowd, eat it, and still get cheered. (Thanks for posting, Gene Snitsky.)
Again, over the top bad acting by AJ...
Since there was no fire before the show, are we not allowed to say "the 1002nd episode of RAW is hot!" 924739802 times like they did last week?
YES I AGREE! Cancel the match! We don't want Big Show in the mix. (Agree.)
I have a quote from a fellow Canadian by the name of Drake which applies to AJ. “Women need attention therefore women will complain, develop hatred for men and say that you’re the one to blame.”
Life is regret. Regret is life. No one has no regrets. No one has no life. Except for us. We're sitting here watching Raw and snarking about it on the internet. We have no life...oh, god. (Shoot comments!)
Wasn't Punk here to pick fights and start a revolution? I thought Miz was the champ trying to get out of matches. (It's like he has changed...evil.)
Punk isn't speaking kayfabe...the triple threat is a terrible main event...he's concerned about buyrates.
Cena acts so surprised. Didn't you feud with him last summer idiot?
John Cena, showing that mathematical equations are not his strong suit, believes that all of 1 1/2 episodes of RAW now equates to "each and every week".
Watch out AJ...Cena will try to marry you.... (Thanks for posting, Ric Flair.)
"Hi. I'm John Cena. Newly divorced. How are you?"
Punk is exaggerating and distorting what happened to justify his actions...he can't be a heel! Source: tjrwestling.com
Punk is apparently concussed. Or he forgot about Cena AA'ing Show EVERY TIME they wrestle.
The champion deserves to be in the main event? Isn't this the same guy who basically said don't worry when he wrestles because he brings down the house? (On Twitter yes. On television no.)
Punk vs. Mysterio it is then.
Your choices are: Fake Diesel, Isaac Yankem, D.D.S or Kane.
That segment was boring but I did like the back to the future reference.
After last weeks choices, I'm surprised this week the choices aren't Dude Love, Cactus Jack or Mankind.
In case you didn't know, Raw is sponsored by 7-11 tonight. So I guess we can expect a cameo by an Indian clerk or a toothless woman with 6 kids tonight.
Need an opponent for CM Punk? Why not Zoidberg?
What?! Who's this guy that sounds like Cole who just referenced the Punk/Mysterio rivalry? (I yelled into his headset.)
Did he just say Rey could be the most popular ever? In that logic...wait. What I'm I saying? Logic?!
You know, I kind of liked the opening segment, but there was one thing that really bugged me. Cena actually said something I agree on! He said that Punk had become one "those guys that come out here and demand respect". I get that he's supposed to be a heel, but I just wish he could be the cool, no bullshit kind of heel, not the whiny, cowardly heel like 97% of heels nowadays. Punk's been champion for twohundredsomething days and he has defended the WWE Championship in TLC, Elimination Chamber, Street Fights and much more kinds of matches, why is he suddenly afraid of a Triple Threat? (Cowardly heel. It's how WWE always books them.)
Some kid said he found an Alex Riley action figure in his sandbox. He was later told that Cena had buried it there.
Do you think Jeff Hardy ever gets pissed that they gave AJ the entrance music he wanted to use? (Clever.)
Can the RAW set catch on fire again? I'd much rather see 100 recaps of that again.
Am I the only one to realize Rey has question marks cause his name is Mysterio, kinda like mystery... Oh no one cares, carry on. (Pretty sure that's been the idea since he used the name so you are not the only one.)
At least Cena's ex wife was able to successfully cash in on her "money in the bank" contract. (Wonderful.)
When will they tell me to Tout? I can't do anything without WWE telling me to do so. Also should I put on clothes to Tout I dunno. I don't wanna mess up my clothes when AJ comes back on screen.
Cole referenced Rey and Punk's past AND correctly calling a sunset flip. Color me shocked.
Vendettas are personal. Someone has been to the Department of Redundancy Department.
Looks like Punk got the infamous BALLS FULL OF BOTCH on that 619.
If anyone has been given a character turn, it's Lawler. Punk just added a heelish tweak to his same character, whereas Jerry has gone from "CM Punk is a champion we can be prude of " to "CM Punk turned his back on the WWE Universe" just for attacking The Rock.
So glad Rey didn't win clean with that splash. It never looks like it hurts anyone, which is why it annoys me that so many people get pinned after taking it. (Thanks for posting, Kevin Nash. Timely huh?)
Looks like Rey has been making plenty of Suicide Dives...head first into a bowl of guacamole.
"How does he get his own parking spot?" Are we expected to believe the rest of the crew rides on a single bus?
Al-Bore-to Del Sleep-O looks pissed off. Maybe he still can't find his charisma.
Wade Barrett is in fight club?
Oh really, a Wade Barret vignette. I approve.
About time we have a decent promo...come on back Wade!
I wish the Barrett Barrage was sent on Rosa Mendes's boyfriend. He needs a good ass whooping.
Lawler said he didn't know that a GM could make snap decisions like that. I just lost IQ points from hearing that and my blood pressure went up. (It's not like Lawler has been at 800+ episodes of Raw right?)
In a moment of unbridled enthusiasm, I thought the vignette was going to be for Dean Ambrose, but Wade Barrett is sufficient enough.
Oh auto correct you fool, spelling wide parrot instead of Wade Barrett.
I set my ringtone to Brodus Clay's theme, now I can't stop calling my momma.
I wonder if Canton hates Americans after we stole that game from Canada today? (I don't care about women's soccer. America gave me the NFL. I love it.)
I don't know what's worse; Christian getting a jobbers entrance, or the fact that he's there to put over Del Rio.
Christian didn't get an entrance? He's Captain Charisma, not Dwayne Gill or Iron Mike Sharp!! (In because of Iron Mike.)
Sorry Cole, the only way Lawler goes to Smackdown is if a sixteen year old girl is going to be around for him to show around.
Did ADR try and hit the Whoopie Cushion? Is ripping off moves from Doink part of his destiny?
How is using the boot legal when on a foot (when it will do more damage) and illegal when empty? (Don't ask questions!)
Hitting someone with a boot is cheating? How is that different from using it when kicking? (You too!)
WWE: Where Grand Theft Auto is encouraged.
Edberto JBel Ribiase seems upset that Ginger H is stealing his car. (Quality names!)
Only in WWE will Jerry Lawler defend breaking the law if a ''good guy'' does it.
Only a white man could commit grand theft auto on TV and get away with it. If a black man did this, the entire state of Kentucky would be calling the cops and half the Texans in the arena would get their guns and chase after the car.
Dear WWE Universe, It is not ok to be a bully. It is ok to steal cars. And make sure you do it on live TV so you can show off. Sincerely, The Cantonian Irony and Hypocrisy Council
"You! You're the fan whose hand I WILL SLAP! YAY ME!" -Randy Orton (He was looking for weed.)
San Antonio must have the worst police force in the world if they haven't caught Sheamus' white ass by now. "All units: be on the lookout for a stolen sports car driven by a 300 lb blindingly white Irish hooligan with hair like Beaker."
"But officer, I wasn't really stealing the car, I was just borrowing it! Like Seamus on Raw." (I bet it happened.)
I like how when Big Show ditched his camouflage attire, it was up against Orton, who went AWOL on the Army. Symbolism guys.
"Wow!That Big Show/Orton match was amazing!" - No one. (I know that guy.)
Hawkins on Raw, MARK OUT
Summerslam promo is pretty sweet. It's got that Wrestlemania treatment.
So if the Godfather had Ryback's gimmick, would he say "Feed. Me. Whore!" ?
"I like to call Ryback the human wrecking ball." Oh Cole, you're so witty and clever. Think you're clever enough to survive me running you over with a Hummer ten or twenty times?
Did the WWE just show the same Ryback promo they showed on Smackdown and say it was from today? Huge fail!
F**k you Tyler Reks. I will never forgive you for taking Kaval's spot on Team Smackdown for Bragging Rights. (Thanks for posting, only guy that cares about Bragging Rights.)
Dear Cole and Lawler: You guys are absolutely the worst announce team I have ever had the displeasure of listening to, and I've heard Tony Shiavone and Larry Zbysko call Nitro. Listening to you makes my ears close up and run to the back of my head. I know you are probably just following orders or whatever, but couldn't you guys just ACT like you have been paying attention the last few years. No, it's not a shocker when Cena picks up Big Show. When a returning superstar's music hits, the proper saying is "Look who's back!" and not "Could it be?" Who else would come out to a wrestler's theme music, other than the wrestler himself? Would it be too hard to also pretend that you care about the current product? I mean, you guys are kind of acting like you're killing time until the following week. It's annoying. Maybe in a parallel universe, KIng still has talent, and he's paired with Regal, while Michael Cole is managing World Champion Jack Swagger, but we live in this reality, and it sucks ass so much that we have to invent alternate ones like the one I just mentioned. I am just so done with you guys, it's not even funny anymore. It's time for a new team, guys. Please be grateful and move on please. Thanks. Sincerely, Fozzie Bear, Director of Human Resources, Cantonia
Goldback! Goldback! Goldback! Goldback! Goldback! Sorry about that...I got caught up in the moment. It's been a rough day. DON'T JUDGE ME!
Lie back? That's something I wish Beth would do with me. Don't tell my wife. (It's between us.)
"This 3 hour Raw was a bad idea. We don't have enough talent. Just do more recaps of me and Cena. That's works." Triple H
It's the rape enthusiast AW, shouldn't he be in jail? (For making a tasteless joke? No. He's just an idiot.)
"Hashtag I won't be making any rape references or Vince will have my black ass!"
Would it be too pedantic of me to point out that Mother Teresa did a lot wrong?
From a Kobe Bryant reference to Mother Teresa, he must have really gotten his ass handed to him about the rape joke.
As Primo and Epico celebrate...one thing rolls through their mind: "Is...is this...winning? This incredible feeling...could that be what it feels like to win?" (They get paid the same either way.)
I want sandows facial hair! It would make me feel sophisticated like him. (Yeah, but you didn't capitalize his name or use an apostrophe so you have work to do.)
The Sandow/Clay story is so simple, but so awesome.
Sandow should be wrestling Sheamus at Summerslam.
Cameron's ass looks so concerned. So do her breasts. (They have feelings too.)
If Naomi's ass were a country, I'd want to be President of it.
God damn it! Charlie Sheen references! Even when he's not there, Sheen's annoying! >_< (Somebody needs anger management. I just did it too.)
That yes/no exchange amused me.
Earplugs in, Yelly's back.
Would you look at that, the whore has landed. (Ha. Welcome back Kelly.)
Every time I see Kelly Kelly, there is only one person that I think of. Crazy Crazy!!
This should be spectacular. Let's go wardrobe malfunction!
Remember when Jackie Gayda's boob slipped out of her top and she just stood there because she didn't realize it was out? Good times. That's what I'm thinking about instead of watching this "match". (Google it, kids.)
Man this divas match is approaching classic matchups such as Melina/Alicia Fox.
EVE!!!!!!!" YES!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!!!!!!!! (Whoa Excitable Eve Guy alert.)
I'd rather see Claire Lynch on my TV than Kelly Kelly, thats how much I can't stand Kelly's yelling.
Where in the blue hell is Beth Phoenix? (Ask Edge.)
That divas match had more botches than a Sin Cara match.
Haha. King needs to have his car stolen. I mean borrowed. I'm sure he'll love that. Just like the doofus that he is.
Hey, look, it's everyone's favorite part of three-hour RAWs! The recaps! (Oh...them.)
Why are they still on ADRs car? Unless that car comes back to run someone over I don't give a crap. (Trying to give Sheamus a "personality" I think.)
The greatest wrestler of all time. Thank you hbk...for everything. #reallove
I bet we'll see close ups of the fans' "shocked looks" and "sad faces" when Lesnar beats down HBK. Gotta have something for the video packages, eh? (Don't say "eh" unless you're Canadian. Please and thank you. I'm polite like that.)
Paul Heyman! Is it wrong that I'm more excited to see him than anyone else in this feud? (Thanks for posting, editor of Ponytail Magazine.)
Paul Heyman is so good on the mic, he could get JTG over. (Don't go crazy here.)
Brock Lesnar doesn't care about being entertaining, he's just in it for the paycheck.
It's all about the Game...buy my new T-Shirt!
I love Paul Heyman... he never needs to leave the WWE. He could be a huge asset for anyone when Lesnar leaves. (Yep, but he's not a suckup so he never lasts too long there.)
Oh goody another episode of the "Triple H is the toughest, smartest, scariest guy in the world" show. (Twelve years running.)
So Triple H never takes any wellness tests these days? (Yeah I'm sure he does...INSERT MAJOR EYE ROLLING.)
King would make a terrible eye witness wouldn't he? "No, no, officer. He borrowed the car. It was a joyride." This out of date ring announcer is just...ugh! >_<
Bon Jericho at his 80's best!!!
Y2J on commentary! Yes! Yes! Yes! And Dolph wrestling! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Did you know? Albert Einstein wore a Chris Jericho shirt underneath his clothes whenever he invented things.
Alex Riley needs to go back to hanging out with Miz. It couldn't hurt his career anymore than it did before.
Ziggler vs. Jericho makes my tighty whities tingle. Don't print that.
If Alex Riley would have given away that a drop kick was coming anymore he would have been yelling kick me.
Sonofabitch Riley won a match over Ziggler. (Would you say that to his face?)
The school boy of death for the victory! It's not the 1-2-3 kid moonsault over Razor Ramon though... nothing will top that shocker.
I might just sign up for Tout just to see that. (Can be viewed without signing up, Mr. Uneducated Tout guy.)
I was bullied once...this big Ginger Irishman stole my car.
The only time I like to hear the words "be a star" is in a Pearl Jam song.
Be a star, steal a car.
Kane's other hand must get really cold in the winter.
Remember when Kane was obsessed with making Cena act like a grown up so he beat the crap out of Zack Ryder weekly? No? Neither does creative.
Spoiler alert: Cena wins.
Miz will be in YouTube pre-PPV matches again soon enough. (It's important to have goals in life.)
Daniel Bryan is on a level all by himself. No one in the WWE can touch him right now.
Tom Arnold? Seriously? Tom Arnold needs to be reminded who Tom Arnold is.
Lebel lock, Yes lock, No lock. What's next, the Sher Lock?
Choke him with a tie and spit in his face, Bryan! (Reference too old? Yeah? Okay, then.)
The "Maybe, I'm not quite sure, we will just see how things play out" lock?
Wow! Head butt from across the ring connecting to Cena. Amazing. Seriously. (He does it fairly often.)
That was the best Main Event match in quite some time.
Cena is one strong dude. Seriously. Old news but still. Damn.
Daniel Bryan gave Cena a great match....in other "thats obvious" news, gravity loves to keep you down.
My God, that was some powerful sh*t with Punk cutting that promo on commentary. From the heart.
It's the Big Slow with the Weapon of Mass Digestion to end Raw #1002. Not a happy ending...unless you own the Chinese buffet Big Slow is planning on closing after the show. Then, you're a happy, happy man. Out of food, but happy.
Raw was pretty good this week. Couple of good matches, decent good segments to bad segments ratio, AJ's butt in that suit. All in all, no major complaints this week.
Well, that was fun! Thanks for making my first commentfest an enjoyable one, everybody. See you next week I guess. (Congrats on breaking your Commentfest virginity. Hope they were gentle.)
Figures I fall asleep. So..ahem.......OMG!!!! WOOOOO!!!! ITS KELLY KELLY!!!!!! YES! YES! YES! YES! YEEESSSS!!! ITS ABOUT TIME!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! (That's the delayed Crazy Crazy.)
Well that's all the time we have for you for tonight ladies and gentlemen. We have learned that tout and twitter are unfortunatly running wild throughout the WWE Universe. AJ is actually a compelling GM after all. John Cena still has no game when it comes to the ladies. Christian did indeed get 1 more match. Ryback was fed two more. Rosa Mendes should be on TV all the time but we didn't get to see her because of some douchebag that needs an ass whooping by Bane. 2 of the worst in ring divas put on one (i will just stop right there, nothing newsworthy with that match). Ziggler may be loosing his touch. Kane got more vengeance. And John Cena actually sold a wrestling maneuver. Sweet Lincoln's mullet I have lost track of time. Baxter needs his daily pawdecure/bubble bath, Tits....I mean Veronica Corningstone may be calling any minute, and Brick has invited me to another pants party. Have a great rest of the night Cantonia and remember please don't punt baxter, dont love lamps, and by God dopn't wear sex panther as a cologne.
You stay classy Cantonia. I'm John Burgundy.
Thanks for bringing us home as always, John Burgundy.
That's all for this time. To join in on the Commentfest fun be sure to check out the TJRWrestling.com Facebook page.
I think Fozzie will be hosting the next two week's of this, so I'll be back to hosting in a few weeks. Until next time, thanks for reading.