I’m not one of those people that just criticize wrestlers blindly. In fact, when the Internet gets together and unanimously decides they are going to hate someone, I try to at least be objective and see if their argument is founded. For example, years ago people decided to hate John Cena because he’s “boring” and “can’t wrestle”, a falsehood he’s still trying to escape from. This might be a surprise to a lot of you, but Cena isn’t boring, and he can wrestle. In fact, he can wrestle better than a lot of people, especially in big match situations. I’d prefer if people hated him they did so for the right reasons, like how he can be extremely misogynistic and such a blatant corporate puppet you can see his stitching.
So know that when I’m criticizing Triple H, it doesn’t come from a knee jerk Internet hive-mind reaction, but is actually through years of observation and thought. And I can tell you after all these years of contemplation that I’ve come to the conclusion that COO Triple H is f**king garbage, and he does more harm on-screen to his product as the boss that imposes his will freely than a hundred Little People Court segments. Seriously, ever since “I love you pop” it’s been all down hill.
If you had never watched wrestling before last night and had no idea who Triple H was, you could learn everything you needed to know about his character in that 4 minute segment with Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox— contradictory, subversive, antagonistic, and inappropriate. Those are the four attributes best associated with the on-screen COO of WWE, who struts around like a big muscular toucan bird in a $600 suit.
When he walked into Vickie’s office (if you can call it that, it’s not like she has any furniture aside from one shitty fake plant in the corner) he refuted Vince’s earlier claim that Daniel Bryan is not WWE material, and said that size doesn’t matter. Then, he immediately looked at Maddox and made a crack about how he’s too small to wear men’s sized clothing. It was the most amazing display of immediate self-contradiction I had ever seen in my entire life. Isn’t the Brad Maddox type guy the one you’re trying to get over? The Daniel Bryan’s, the CM Punk’s, the guys that don’t look like Mason Ryan? Take a look at the NXT roster, the group that Triple H is directly responsible for, and make a tally of how many giant muscle machines you see. It’s not as many as you might think.
So why, why, WHY are you contradicting yourself on live television? WHY? It defies logic. Despite how many great things you can argue that Triple H has done for the WWE backstage (and it’s a lot, just look at Full Sail NXT and the complex they’re building) he’s completely shitting the bed when it comes to on-screen advancements. But, that’s pretty much Triple H’s MO: be the best and coolest guy on the screen, and make everyone else look lesser just for daring to occupy the same space.
I dunno, it could be worse. At least he didn’t wave a piece of bacon in front of Vickie’s face, whisper “this is you” and then oink a whole bunch. Then again, there’s always next week.
[Note: Some people have pointed out that Triple H wasn't commenting on Maddox's size, but instead inferring that he was dressing too effeminate. I disagree, but if true that makes the whole thing a little more terrible. Either he was ridiculing Maddox for being too small or for being a girl, so I guess take your pick as to what you would you rather hate him for.]
Tumblr: Andrew Johnson Is A Robot