Written By Thomas and Aaron Briggs

Earlier in the week, I read an online report that Eric Bischoff labeled Bret Hart “bitter and sad” on twitter.  Now, not only is Bret Hart my favorite wrestler of all time, but Eric Bischoff also happens to be one of my least favorite people in wrestling.  I know news of this may be old, but the perfect circumstances of my feelings for these two men have inspired me to write an open letter to Bischoff on the subject:


Dear Eric Bischoff,


First and foremost, screw you.  I was there during the peak of both yours and Bret Hart’s careers, and you have nothing on the Hitman.  When Bret Hart was the best wrestler in the world, you were busy running WCW into the ground, despite the seemingly bottomless pockets of Ted Turner.  It's time to face facts and judge you for what you are... a one trick pony.  You created the NWO (which wasn't original to begin with) and that was it.  Your biography should end there.  Hell, the NWO wouldn't have been half as impactful had it not played off the successes of the WWF.  


As someone who has spent way too much time examining the business of wrestling, I am quite familiar with the career paths of both yourself and Bret Hart.  In fact, I’ve read both of your autobiographies.  Bret’s Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling was easily the finest piece of wrestling literature I’ve ever read, which is saying something considering how entertaining both Chris Jericho and Mick Foley's books are.  On the other hand, your Controversy Creates Cash was one of the worst wastes of money ever.  While Bret's book portrays the himself in an honest light, yours was more like witnessing the longest performance of self fellatio in the history of literature.  But hey, I guess it’s better to be performed on yourself than on Hulk Hogan again.


What I’ve taken away from years of interviews, tv time, and so called "literature" is that, Eric, you’re literally big old steaming turd.  "Well, you probably don't mean literally. That would mean I’m composed of some type of fecal matter, right?"  No, I mean it.  Sorry to break the news to you, but you’re literally a giant turd.  You probably even have a peanut stuck somewhere inside you.


I understand that Bret Hart can come off as bitter 99% of the time, but that doesn't give you the right to say anything negative about him.  Honestly, what Bret says, even if it does usually come off as bitter, is almost always accurate.  When Bret goes off on rants about anything from the Montreal Screwjob to Hulk Hogan's son Nick, it's not always what he says, but rather how he says it.  And within this simple fact lies the truth about you, Eric.  Bret has made disparaging remarks about Hogan in the past, and because of this you feel the need to get off your knees and protect the man you’ve been worshiping for the last fourteen years.


It’s comical, a defense mechanism you often use when encountering a hostile Twitter follower is to simply label them a “mark”.  Well, the only true mark is you Eric.  You are your own mark, and unless we fire up the DeLorean, 1997 isn’t coming back anytime soon.  


- Aaron

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On the latest episode of WWE Inbox, current WWE Superstars react to the return of Brock Lesnar.  To summarize: while the dude is scary, everyone thinks he’ll do great things for the company.  While the video was done in character, there really has yet to be that undercurrent of resentment towards Lesnar for leaving the WWE like there was for The Rock.  Personally, I’m glad the Brock Lesnar has been out of wrestling all these years.  Just think about it, had he never left, he might have fallen into any number of pitfalls associated with professional wrestlers.  You know what I’m talking about - steroid abuse, alcoholism, a broken down body, an addiction to painkillers, and a scorching case of herpes received from John Morrison’s girlfriend. (YouTube)

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Evan Bourne gave the world an injury update on Twitter yesterday, saying that he has no idea when he’ll return, but that he hopes to make the European tour in November.  He followed the tweet with the hashtag #ineedfrequentflyermiles.  Bourne followers know that he almost always finishes his tweets with a similar witty hashtag.  Even they, though, couldn’t have been expecting his next tweet, which was all hashtag: #ButWhoCaresWhenIComeBack AllThisMedicinalWeedIsTheTits IMeanSeriously,WhyDidnt IThinkOfThisEarlier I'veDoneNothingButEatCerealAndWatchToons!(Twitter)

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Former WWE superstar Bobby Lashley has reportedly met with Bellator's VP of Talent Relations to discuss the potential of working out a contract with the company.  Lashley currently has a 7-1 professional MMA record.  With the success of WWE superstar turned MMA star Brock Lesnar as a precedent, Bellator has to be excited at the prospect of working with someone like Lashley.  Of course, we all know how this story ends... with John Cena’s mouth bloodied five years down the line.  (PWTorch)

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According to PWTorch, WWE stock closed yesterday at $7.96 per share, a nine-year low.  This of course comes hot off the heels of the most profitable WrestleMania in history for the company, and the return of mega-star Brock Lesnar.  Following the bad news, we at Thursday Headlines got ahold of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon for comment.  “What more could you do to excite investors in the WWE, Mr. McMahon?” we asked.  “There is only one thing left for me to do...” McMahon answered...