Well, as TJR Reality Week draws to a close, I feel I must add my contributions. This all started when watching RAW last week and I tweeted how I didn’t understand if the weddings were real or not on ‘Total Divas’. What I mean by that is that I wondered if Daniel Bryan and Jimmy Uso actually had a real marriage for family and friends beforehand and then a staged ceremony for the cameras later on, similar to Daphne and Niles’ four attempts at a wedding for various family members in ‘Frasier’. Anyhoo, I was picked up on this by some of the other writers (I’m looking at you Ms. Hickey and Mr. Philips) and the whole reality thing snowballed from there.

So far there have been some cracking pitches for a reality show (don’t forget to vote for your favourite this weekend!) and here is the current run-down (hopefully with a few more still to come).

Mr. Lasher:

The Real Life Wrestler - following former stars on the indie circuit.

This is NXT – following NXT development wrestlers at the start of their WWE careers.

It is DDP! – a series following Mr Positivity and mortal enemy of Nancy Grace, as he sells his message (and yoga products) around the world.

Ms. Hickey:

3-MAB – an international air-guitar tournament hosted by 3MB.

Gorilla Position – the backstage travails of RAW seen through hidden cameras.

Ridin’ With Rybaxel – on the road with those crazy guys Ryback and Curtis Axel.

Mr. Johnson:

The WWE-Themed House – sort of like Big Brother but with Barbershop windows, a Fandango themed doorbell and the once a year opportunity for Triple H to break into your house and beat you up.

 

So, there’s some stiff competition there from serious backstage pitches to rather more, er, crazy ones (could anything beat Legend’s House though?!).

Without further ado, he’s my three pitches into the world we call reality.

 

80 Days Around the World with the Brothers of Destruction

I’m sure you all know the original Jules Verne story. Phileas Fogg and his man servant Passapartout attempt to circumnavigate the globe in eighty days after making a bet with his drinking buddies in The Reform Club. The journey takes in rail journeys and steam liners as Fogg makes it back to London a day late...before Passapartout informs him that they gained a day by travelling eastward and so Fogg wins the wagers and marries the ‘gal’.

There’s a modern reference too as in 1989, that erstwhile Python, Michael Palin, completed the journey in eighty days also with the rules being ‘no aircraft’ as they didn’t exist in Verne’s day. Palin met so many nice people and took in so many sights...until he reached the UK where he found rude people aplenty and The Reform Club refused admission after a journey of 79 days and 7 hours. Because they’re nice like that.

I would like to see The Undertaker and Kane complete the same journey but, obviously, in full WWE ring gear. I want to see Kane running for a last minute train only to find his brother walking slowly and ominously 100 metres behind him. I’d like to see masked Kane perform karaoke in a Shanghai bar (preferably singing either Firestarter by The Prodigy or YMCA, whatever they’ve got really). Watch a hot-air balloon struggle to take off with the 323lb Kane, the 299lb Undertaker, a film crew and 30 druids all clamouring for space in the basket. Marvel at be-masked Kane receiving a shave from a blind Bombay barber and relish the long, deep-seated conversations between the Brothers of Destruction as they sit on the Orient Express drinking tea from fine china. Also, I’d love to see The Reform Club attempt to refuse entry to these two monsters.

It’s a winner. Rest. In. Business class.

 

A WWE Idiot Abroad

This is uniformly ripped off from the Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington, Warwick Davis series. If you’ve not seen it, please do. Karl Pilkington is a British national treasure. Essentially, Ricky and Stephen send Karl (later aided by Warwick) to various locations around the world. It was essentially a ‘Bucket List’ of places to go. Not being much of a traveller, the fun comes from watching Karl interact with the locals and complete various crazy tasks handed to him at the last minute.

My pitch is to pair The Big Show with Hornswoggle and send them out and about around the world. Both have had crazy WWE careers (either Big Show in a diaper or Horny being, er, Vince’s son and then the anonymous General Manager of RAW). They can do comedy and, let’s be honest here, will probably fall out with each other as the stresses and strains take hold.

Each episode would begin, similar to the original show, with our two heroes in an office with, say, Triple H and Shawn Michaels in full DX garb, as they find out where they’re going. From there we could send Big Horny (okay, I’m still working on a name) out and about around the world. We could start nicely and send them to Mongolia to participate in the annual wrestling tournament there. So far, so easy. Or so they’d think.

From there they could participate in the Rio Carnival, trek to Machu Picchu, travel on the Trans-Siberian express, bungee-jump, swim with dolphins, meet gorillas and go to a Venetian masked ball. Obviously, for this to work, HornShow (maybe not) have to disagree on pretty much everything and only find solace at the end of the day in a cold beer.

This show has legs, it’s just depends if they’re the length of Big Show’s or Hornswoggle’s.

 

WWE Hell’s Kitchen

WWE has a long-storied link with cooking. There was JR’s cookbook, ‘Can You Take the Heat?’, The Uso’s YouTube Samoan cookery show and, er, well, The Rock always bragged he was cooking pie or something. What I suggest though is to throw in some of the most volatile wrestlers of all time into chef Gordon Ramsay’s cooking competition as they work in a professional kitchen preparing food for the general public. What would work is that it’s not only a cooking show but they also have to live together too so, after Chef Ramsay and lambasted them all for not fricasseeing the custard or something, we get to see them fall out over a glass of wine too.

For the roster, you’d have to go for the ones least likely to get on and/or punch Gordon Ramsay in that swearing little hole he calls a face. Roddy Piper is a lock. Paul Heyman and Zeb Coulter get tickets to the show by simply being awesome. The Iron Sheik is crazy enough to think all of these pitches are real and so would be in. Stone Cold would be the candidate to stunner the chef. Bob Backlund is bats**t crazy enough to win it. Bad News Barrett could cook up some bad news for the rest. Damien Sandow would be more relevant in the kitchen than he is in the ring these days. Goldust could, well, just be himself. Then we could have AJ losing it when her omelette sticks to the pan. Tamina smacking The Hot Road over the head with a coconut meant for a lovely korma sauce and, finally, Renee Young could look surprised at all the goings-on and just be, well, just super.

You could have guest judges for episodes too. JR would come in the barbecue challenge. Kurt Angle would have to make himself available for the milk recipe episode. Also, The Rock could come in for the pie challenge (yeah, that’s right, I made the gag twice).

WWE Hell’s Kitchen. The show where anything could happen. Even some romance. It really could be a case of when ‘boil’ meets ‘grill’ (Yep. I went there with a pun to end it all. Better than a third pie gag).

 

There you go. There’s my three pitches. Don’t forget to vote for your winner this weekend. Also, Vince, if you’re reading, even though I’ve stolen all of these ideas, I still wouldn’t mind a free Network subscription when it’s launched in the UK. Cheers!

 

Please follow me on twitter @HughFirth or email me on ashburnham54@yahoo.com All constructive criticism is appreciated.

I also write at www.whatculture.com (this is my archive of columns http://whatculture.com/author/hugh-firth )