Total Divas is back after a month-long hiatus, and I’ll be honest with you, I kinda missed it. For as inane as the show could be at times, there were moments that made me chuckle and I definitely enjoyed the peak behind the curtain, no matter how contrived it was. So when the show came back for the second half of its first season last Sunday, I’ll admit that I was looking forward to it.

Then I watched the show and remembered why I was thankful for the hiatus: Eva Marie. My old nemesis.

She was all over this episode, and she was terrible.

We see her flaunting her Maxim spread to the fellow Divas, and rubbing it in the Bellas’ faces that she was in Maxim and they were only on the cover of Maxim Español. Then she was at a signing where she responded to her fans with the same, “Oh my gawd thank youuuuu” that she responded when her fiancée proposed to her in a hotel room earlier this season. Then she tried sneaking behind Nikki Bella’s back to ask Brie if she would consider tag teaming with her since Nikki was on the shelf with an injury, which is even ridiculous to make up considering the Bellas are twins!!! Then she comes out as a valet for Brie’s singles match at Summerslam and thinks that because there were a few Eva Marie signs in the crowd, it was her match and now she’ll become fan favorite, whatever the fuck that means. Then, in front of the Bellas and their mother no less, she has the audacity to utter the worst trash talk I’ve ever heard:

“Bellas gonna ball? I think it’s more like ‘Bellas gonna fall.’ Just sayin’.”

And then she struts away like she just dropped the mic.

Where’s my Jack Daniels? It’s going to be a long half-season.

The only good that came from this was Brie Bella’s monologue about how they were in the company for seven years and Eva Marie would be lucky to make it a whole year, which was seriously speaking some truth. I’ll tell ya…you really have to be awful to make Nikki Bella a sympathetic figure.

In other news, Nattie pissed her pants in the middle of a match. Nobody saw. It wasn’t even noticeable at all. If she played it off like nothing happened, she would have totally gotten away with it. But that wouldn’t make for a good reality TV storyline, now would it? So she gets mad at Trinity, throws a hissy fit that everybody can hear, then gets upset that people found out about it, so much so that she’s considering not even wrestling in her Summerslam match until TJ talks her back into it. Seriously, I hadn’t even heard that Nattie pissed her pants until this episode of Total Divas aired. It wasn’t on any dirt sheet. Listen, I understand that this show is getting Nattie more publicity than she ever could have received just being another Diva on the WWE roster, but the things they make her go through are a bit ridiculous.

What this storyline did show me was that fellow WWE Diva Alicia Foxx should have been cast on this show. In the 20 seconds of airtime she received, she already proved to be more charismatic and interesting than Eva Marie showed in an entire half-season.

Another interesting point brought up is that John Cena admitted to shitting his pants in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. For those who aren’t hardcore wrestling fans like me, Saskatoon is the town where WWE Hall of Famer Bret “The Hitman” Hart won his first WWF Championship. I doubt WWE has been back there since 1993, so Cena was pretty much lying. I do appreciate the fact that he has self-depreciating humor and is willing to go the extra mile to make this show watchable.

The only storyline on Total Divas that even rivals the horridness of anything Eva Marie is the saga of Ariane and Vincent. She had kicked him to the curb last half-season, and there was much rejoicing (yayyy), only to bring him back because she realized she couldn’t live without him. This week, Vincenzo was acting a fool and embarrassing Ariane at a work function (in other news, grass grew today), so she pulled him into a corner and gave him the business. We do delve deeper into Ariane’s past and find out she was raised in a not-so-loving home, which is why she has anger problems. Oh yeah, and she got out of a car and threw her drink inside the car in front of her for going too slow. So there’s that.

The final storyline on this week’s episode deals with John Cena’s very real torn triceps injury, and the Bella boyfriend match with Cena taking on Daniel Bryan at Summerslam. I actually got a chuckle out of Nikki calling Bryan “fuckface” when he kicked Cena in his arm during the match. They showed Brie’s reaction when Bryan won the WWE Championship, but didn’t bother to show Bryan losing it minutes later to Randy Orton, which you would think would seep into the Total Divas universe because Bryan being WWE Champion should be a big deal, but obviously the producers didn’t think it was worth mentioning.

Also, JoJo was in this episode…I think.

So Total Divas is back in all its glory. I really think that my enjoyment of the episodes this half season will have a direct correlation to how much airtime Eva Marie will receive. Since she was heavily featured in this week’s episode, I wasn’t impressed with the overall quality. Maybe next week if they tone her down, I’ll enjoy it more.

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @PocketSeagull.